Life Support

crazysillyjustright

2008-02-14T20:33:00.002-05:00

If you would like to continue to follow along, please visit our new blog, crazysillyjustright.

The End

2008-02-01T16:30:00.000-05:00

Just as Lost is beginning (Jason's favorite show), Life Support is coming to an end. After much thought, and weeks of knowing it was time to let it go, I've decided to put an end to our Life Support blog. Being the last post, there is much I'd like to share with all of you.

ON BLOGGING

Before July of 2007, I'd never blogged before. I'd tried a few times, but nothing ever sounded right. I think because it wasn't time, yet.

Life Support was started in July of 2007 to keep friends and family up-to-date on Isaac and our family as we navigated his first few weeks. Weeks turned to months and this really became our lifeline while we were in OH. I also blogged to keep a journal of all that was happening in our lives at that time. I did not keep any handwritten notes so everything I needed to say and think out was written here. Early on, someone who works with Jason (NOT us or our friends/family) contacted Joe Gartrell and the Canton Repository. That's where (most) everyone else joined our family on our journey to bring Isaac home. I had no idea how much our story would touch others. We were simply following a very crazy (but fantastic) plan God had thrown in front of us.

While I originally intended to continue posting, I feel Life Support has fulfilled it's original purpose. I also feel God pulling me in other directions. I'm somewhat of a creative non-fiction writer and want to focus my writing thoughts, there. I also scrapbook, or at least attempt to! Blogging for me takes up a lot of time--time I'd like to spend doing things I used to enjoy--kind of like finding myself all over again.

ON MY PASSIONS

I continue to be VERY PASSIONATE about adoption advocacy and supporting families who are living away from home while their loved ones are hospitalized long-term. Anyone who wants to join forces or support either/both initiatives, I'd love to hear from you. Until Journey's End blog will continue so please follow along, there, to see what God is doing in the lives of others. Three Voices, as well, will continue on.

I am also passionate about YOU. If at ANY TIME, today, or 15 years from now, you want to email me about our journey, our faith, our struggles (we've faced other life-changing struggles never mentioned here), adoption questions or just to catch up, I'd love to hear from you. I'll make sure this blog always has an updated email address on it.

ON MY FAITH

As a Jesus follower, I'm good at (the top 4):

--loving others

--following through on committments

--working hard

--being passionate about what I believe in

As a Jesus follower, I'm NOT good at (the top 5):

--praying (not because of how I do it, but because of how little I do it)

--reading my Bible (see above)

--giving God control of my life (especially in the little things)

--being respectful of my husband

--keeping my cool when I'm frustrated or angry

I struggle. I struggle in a lot of different areas, a lot of the time. Like everyone else, my faith-walk is full of valleys and mountain tops. You've been with us through an experience I never anticipated. I LOVE that God calls us to step out in faith (usually in a very big way so as not to let us think we can do it alone) and then provides the pathway minute-by-minute so we can't even begin to guess what's coming next. What an awesome God we serve.

One of my favorite worship songs is Bless the Lord by Jeff Deyo.

For Your beauty for Your goodness
And Your wisdom awesome God
Praise the Lord, oh my soul praise the Lord
For Your power for Your honor
And Your splendor mighty God
Praise the Lord oh my soul praise the Lord
Praise the Lord oh my soul praise the Lord

And I will worship You
I will bless Your name forever
I will worship You
Bless the Lord oh my soul bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my soul bless the Lord

For Your kindness for Your favor
For Your mercy gracious One
Thank the Lord oh my soul thank the Lord
For Your fire for your testing
And Your Spirit Holy One
Thank the Lord oh my soul thank the Lord
Thank the Lord oh my soul thank the Lord

And I will worship You
I will bless Your name forever
I will worship You
Bless the Lord oh my soul bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my soul bless the Lord

For Your suffering for Your anguish
And Your sorrow, humble King
Bless the Lord oh my soul bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my soul bless the Lord
For Your victory for Your triumph
And You'll soon come and reign over us

Bless the Lord oh my soul bless the Lord
Bless the Lord oh my soul bless the Lord

God is so good. From the moment I was born until the moment I die, God is good. All the time.

*******

I think it's amazing how God (and Satan) stay current. You can find both right here in blogland. While so many of you were encouragers, supporters, fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and prayer partners, there were also many here causing dissention and casting doubt on what was really happening here and in our lives. I did my best to ignore those people because Satan has NO POWER where God is ruling. I didn't want to give him a foothold (though my feelings were genuinely hurt with every horrible comment). I think it's important to remember that Satan will infiltrate wherever we'll let him. In our role as parents and significant others, as friends and neighbors and fellow bloggers. He knows our weaknesses and PREYS on them. That nasty, nasty devil.

ON ALL OF YOU

I cannot express enough how much your support, love, encouragement and prayers have meant to us. I would've been a lot more lonely, all by myself, if not for all of you checking in and leaving me comments everyday. And, I'm very sure God was answering the prayers YOU were sending up on our behalf. I could FEEL it. I wish there was a more tangible way for me to thank you for all you've done for our family.

So many of you have become loved friends. Please, if you want to stay in touch (because I'd like to), send me a personal email. There are still several hundred people checking in everyday...I only "know" a handful of you by name. Please, if you feel comfortable, I'd love to personally here from you--know who you are. I'd love to update those of you who'd like to hear from us in the future. I'd hate to lose touch with those of you who have become such encouragers of what we've been doing and what we want to continue to do.

ON WHAT'S NEXT FOR US

Jason continues to work as an attorney (although as of last Monday, in a different division) for the State of Michigan in Lansing. He's waiting to hear from the Michigan National Guard as to when he'll be going for his JAG training in Virginia. He's always wanted to serve his country and the National Guard is how he's chosen to do that.

I will continue to be a SAHM caring for Hannah and Isaac. We've started getting together with (healthy) friends on a limited basis and love it. In March, we'll be heading back to the Y so I can get in shape! I'll begin volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House in Grand Rapids later this month. Three Voices and Until Journey's End continue to be on my heart and mind. How the two will come together, I'm not sure, yet. I will continue to help those with adoption questions and concerns and will continue to send out weekly packages to families in need of support.

As a family, we'll be headed to Florida in March with Jason's dad. We're excited for our first family vacation (the first vacation for Jason and I since our honeymoon). And then, in April, we'll be headed to Canton and Akron (Ohio) for Isaac's adoption finalization.

Many, many blessings to each of you. I will pray an extra prayer tonight that God's will be done in each of your lives. Thank you for loving us. You've all been a part of God's plan in our lives. Just another step in this journey we didn't anticipate, but now, can't imagine life, without.

Papa's Little Peanut (better known as Tiffany Evans)

2008-01-31T07:30:00.000-05:00

My Papa.

My Gram.

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to discredit my parents or Jim as grandparents. Simply my thoughts and feelings about my grandparents and how much I miss Nancy and who she was and would've been.

***************************************

When Nancy (Jason's mom) died, I was devastated. Overwhelmingly, because of the loss of a Grandma for my children. Retired and living an hour away, Grandma and Papa (as Hannah called them) visited every couple of weeks. Grandma would smother Hannah with kisses and hugs while Papa would immediately get down on the floor for whatever activity Hannah was desiring to play. Grandma would oversee playtime while Papa made a fool of himself, laughing at every turn. I remember Jim asking (too early on!) if Hannah could have chocolate. Silly Papa.

That's what grandparents do. They love. With wild abandon. To no end.

When Nancy died, every memory I had with my Gram and Papa sifted through my mind. And heart.

Going for walks in their neighborhood in the evening, eating ice cream with chocolate sauce and peanuts while lying between them in their bed watching TV, playing dress up in Gram's high heels, playing with my mom's Barbies on their living room floor, going to work with Gram when she owned a Christian book store, going to work with Gram when she worked for Papa...the smell of their house...the cookies in the same drawer, everytime I came over...the placement of the furniture, the feel of the carpet. Every nook and cranny of where they lived and who they were and now are, etched into my memory.

Everything about them makes my heart swell.

It saddens me very deeply when I think about all the memories I have, that my children will not. It was my little eutopia, impressing my experiences and memories of a Gram and Papa onto my children. That special love and laughter that as a parent, I cannot emulate. That hidden door in their hearts that only opens for a Gram and Papa. I cannot imagine my life without my grandparents. Even more so, I cannot imagine that for my children.

My grandparents mean more than the world to me. And I think about this often...something I even shared with Gram a few weeks ago. When they die, those days will be among the saddest in my life. But I rest in knowing I will see each of them again, for eternity. I will only be away from them for a few, short years before I am reunited with them forever in heaven. I look forward to meeting Jesus, but I'll also REALLY look forward to being in the arms of my grandparents again.

*****************************

I don't like getting forwards. Impersonal. Usually unimportant. I don't even read them. Well, that's not true. I read some of them. The ones from Gram. Because if it's important enough to her, it's important enough to me. And that's the love we share. Period. That's it. Praise the Lord!

2008-01-30T13:28:00.000-05:00

My dad and Hannah. The UofM visual implies NO endorsement of any kind. We bleed green and white. My dad on the other hand...at least it's basketball season and our football coach is on the up and up...ha ha...

My mom and Isaac.

Gram and the kiddos. Look at those silly faces!

Papa and Isaac.

The tent we made and slept in. Ever sleep on concrete? Feels good.

Honestly, it's becoming more and more difficult to find time/desire to blog, here. For a few reasons:

--Life is busy! Every parent can understand that, right?! Early in the morning I check everyone else's blogs and after the kids are in bed, I'm a zombie.

--There are other things I'm focusing my free time on. I will be volunteering at the RMDH here in Grand Rapids within the next month. Only a few days a month to begin with, but another priority just the same. I feel very strongly about giving back to RMDH and meeting and caring for the families, there. I'm also very focused on Until Journey's End and Three Voices. Mostly, getting gift packages out and figuring out how to meld the two orgs together. I cannot stand to let either one go, so I'm prayerfully trying to figure it all out.

There are still many of you who follow our blog and I LOVE that. I just feel like our life is so....boring now! I feel like I don't have much to say. There are so many blogs that I follow that people seem to have these AWESOME daily "journals," I just can't get into that, folks. It's also difficult to say some things I want to say, sometimes, because this is my REAL LIFE. Not that "Ohio" wasn't, but it's different, now. It's much easier for me to take negative comments to heart when I reveal very personal things about my life as a wife and mom "in the thick of it." All that to say, I apologize if I'm not as transparent as I have been?! It's purposeful. And I'm not sure how to change that. Or if I want to.

Besides, I'd rather have ALL OF YOU checking UJE everyday, instead!

***********************

Our visit with Gram and Papa was wonderful. We had a great time, as you can see from the photos. I love to see Gram and Papa's eyes light up when we visit. Hannah kept wanting Papa to pick her up...I don't think she realizes he's a GREAT Grandpa and is older than her Papa. We (Jason, Hannah and I) made and slept in a tent on the floor. Can you say BACK PAIN? And I'm not even 30, yet!!!

We also visited my parents, Mike and Patty. We had a great visit and Grandma Patty (who has been an elementary school teacher for over 30 years and now teaches preschool) had a lot of fun reading and playing with Hannah. I know Hannah's a little smarty, but it makes me feel good when others notice too...especially a preschool teacher!!!

Sidenote: Have I ever mentioned my parents are divorced? Don and Lisa (Bio mom and Step dad) live in Charlevoix, MI and Mike and Patty (Bio dad and Step mom) live in Grand Blanc, MI.

My view on my parents. I've never thought of my step parents as step parents. I've always felt like I've had 2 moms and 2 dads. I believe they've all contributed to who I am--and I'm proud of that. I love them all and each very much. I cannot imagine my life without each of them. I hate divorce, but I love the parents God has given me. All four of them!

Hannah's playing at the kitchen sink...I better go supervise...

Decisions: Do I place my child for adoption?

2008-01-24T20:08:00.000-05:00

You might be surprised to hear that I don't suggest any particular websites or books or agencies when it comes to the decision to place your child for adoption.

Here's why.

There are a million people who want to tell you what they did or how they did it. There are a million people who want to give advice. But there isn't one person in YOUR situation. There's only one you and and you are the ONLY birthmom to your child.

You might regret not studying for an exam or dating a guy who was a real jerk, you might regret skipping breakfast or staying out too late. But you don't want to regret a wrong decision about parenting or placing your child for adoption. Some birthmoms choose to parent even though they have to quit college to do it. Some birthmoms choose to parent with or without the support of the father and family. You have to look at all those things for yourself. I'm not a birthmom, but I can only imagine that it will likely be the most difficult decision you will EVER make. Either way you choose. Because either choice means a great loss.

I'm an advocate for personal choice. I'm an advocate for what is best for you and your child.

The best way I know to sort through the emotions and thoughts and decisions of this magnitude is through prayer. God knows you inside and out. He created you and your baby. He has a plan for each of your lives. He will lead you to the right decision. I promise, if you ask, He'll answer. You'll just have to listen very carefully; which is why I don't advise talking to a lot of people who have a lot of advice. Sometimes it becomes difficult to distinguish God's voice when you've got so many others whispering in your ear.

If you do choose to research your choices with the help of others, a few things to keep in mind:

--While adoption agencies do provide birth family counseling to help you make an "unbiased" decision, the agency WILL benefit if you choose to place your child for adoption. MAKE SURE they are not pressuring you either way. Do not sign anything. If you cannot talk with someone openly and honestly or you have a "gut feeling" it's not right, then it isn't. Run as fast as you can the other way.

--There are good adoption experiences and there are bad adoption experiences. There are open adoptions that work and some that don't. There are good adoption agencies and very bad ones. Make sure you hear both sides of every story and ask for references.

You are a very special person who God loves very much. Facing an unplanned pregnancy must be very overwhelming and scary. I will be praying for you and your child everyday. If you'd like to contact me personally and confidentially, please email me (tiffany.m.evans@gmail.com) and we can chat online or exchange phone numbers.

One more thing. A verse I read while in Ohio that has stuck with me. I think it will be helpful to you, too:

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." --James 3:17--

You are not making this decision alone. God is right there with you. And you'll know His voice when you hear the answer that is in agreement with James 3:17.

You are loved.

2008-01-21T20:16:00.000-05:00

I thought we were working his neck muscles, he thought we were working his leg muscules...I giggled, he didn't.

Ok, so this one is pretty good...

Our little buddy, buddy.

Have you read the book Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell? If you haven't, pretend I'm Oprah and you read my bookclub books and run out TODAY and buy this book and read it. I did a quick read within the last month and then Jason read it so we could talk about it and now I'm reading it again with a highlighter. Listen, it's a challenging book. You'll walk away every time wide-eyed and speechless. Just thinking. I LOVE IT! I think faith is always evolving, changing, growing...and this book really lays it all on the line.

Things here are status quo. Isaac continues to smile and coo more and more. He has these HUGE, open mouth grins that I cannot seem to get a picture of! I think right now the biggest thing he needs to start doing is picking up his head when he's lying on his stomach (tummy time). His therapist isn't too concerned. I think this is the next big step for him and I really want to see some progress so we work on it every week.

Hannah continues to use the potty and we are very proud! She loves her brother so much--hugging and kissing him all the time. It's a joy to see their relationship grow and develop.

Besides the normal domestic duties of a SAHM, I've been thinking and praying a lot about Three Voices and Until Journey's End. I've been doing some research and reading...and what I could really use is some professional help. So, I'm asking. If there is anyone with experience setting up non-profits and non-profit work (and the ins and outs of all of it), and you'd like to volunteer some time to talk with Jason and I, we'd really appreciate it. We've been looking into umbrella non-profits, wondering if that's an avenue for us...we just need a sounding board other than each other. Please email me if you are interested in helping us move forward with these endeavors. We'd really appreciate it.

Gram, an answer to your question...yes, that line you see on Isaac's belly is from his surgical incision. And, at the top of his chest on the right is the scar from his Broviac. My little buddy buddy has battle scars! But that's ok because he won the war! Praise the Lord!

This weekend, we'll be headed to Grand Blanc, MI (about 2 hours from home) to stay and visit with my grandparents. Yep, that's right, Gram and Papa will be meeting Isaac for the first time! I'm thrilled to be headed their way. It's been way too long. I know you've all come to love my Gram; and honestly, who wouldn't?! I wish you could meet her in person. She's a gem. You'll be seeing pics of Gram and Papa with us so stay tuned!

One last thing...as we begin to settle into life, again, my mind and heart have started to drift back to thinking about God's plan. When I was in the "thick of it" (in Ohio) I felt like God was always there and holding things together. I gave it all to Him because it WAS too much for me. But coming home, I took charge again..you know, just pushing into a routine so I could feel like things were "in order." I'm starting to s-l-o-w down again and take stock, really take stock. Focus on a God Plan instead of a Tiffany plan. Please pray I can make time for Him. Maybe stop looking at so many blogs. It's addicting. Seriously.

Have a great day tomorrow!

One more thing....check our latest update at Until Journey's End...

UJE Update

2008-01-17T08:22:00.000-05:00

Check out Until Journey's End for our latest update!

Isaac is 6 months old!

2008-01-15T19:50:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it?! I can't!! Our little buddy is 6 months old today! He was full of smiles (and cries) today and I managed to get a few on camera!

Isaac has been such a blessing. We love our buddy buddy very much--he brings us so much joy. More than anything, I love to see Hannah and Isaac interact. They are both so adorable I could just eat them up.

Jason is giving him his bottle and then Jason will take him up to bed (I put Hannah to bed a few minutes ago). Jason and I will relax for an hour or two and head to bed ourselves.

Love to all!

Our dear, sweet Clinton

2008-01-14T20:34:00.000-05:00

I searched and searched last night and couldn't find our pics of Clinton; I finally found them.

Clinton was the heart of RMDH Cleveland. While his job was House Custodian, his love was the children. And because he loved our children so, we loved him. He was always there to listen at the end of bad day. The first person Hannah asked for when we came downstairs or returned from the hospital, was Clinton. When Hannah and I were getting ready to leave in December, I asked her what she loved most about RMDH. Of course, she said, "Clinton." What a tragedy he died so unexpectedly but an honor to know him and peace and joy in knowing he's with our Heavenly Father for eternity.

"Somewhere out there is a unique place for you to help others--a unique life role for you to fill that ONLY you can fill." - Thomas Kinkade -

Clinton's "somewhere" was in the hearts of our children.

Until we meet again, my friend. I can't wait.

Clinton dancing in the kitchen with Hannah, Ariel and Mateo.

Clinton and Hannah

2008-01-13T20:16:00.000-05:00

Hannah wanted DADDY to paint her toenails!

Can you find the baby?

The problem with not blogging for almost a week is that there are so many things I want to share, but when I sit down at the computer I can't remember one of them!

Isaac had a couple doctor's appointments the end of last week all with good news. He's progressing very well. He weighed 8 pounds 14 ounces at the pediatricians office. She's thinking maybe in February we'll ditch the 22 calorie formula. What this means is that it's the same formula, just less concentrated. We don't want him getting too chubby! According to a "normal" 2 month old, he'd be in the 3rd percentile for weight right now...isn't that interesting...doing great for a preemie but if he were full term we'd be in big trouble!

Before I forget, a big SHOUT out to my best friend in the whole world, Amy! Tomorrow is her 30th birthday!!!! Love ya, Amy! We're making plans to visit them in Colorado over the 4th of July. Check out their blog at Bryan and Amy Dik.

Our "old" babysitter, who moved out of the neighborhood, and her roommate, volunteered to babysit the kids last night so Jason and I could go out. Thank you, Colleen and Rebecca, what a special treat! I showered, threw on my good jeans, a clean shirt, a necklace and blew dry my hair. Seriously, all of that was a big deal! We went to Boston's (we had a coupon), returned cans at Meijer and went to Target and bought Jason some white T-shirts and Hannah some UNDERWEAR.

Yep, my little girl is really loving this toilet thing. So, we decided to move to undies during the day. She's so proud of herself. And we're so proud of her. Funny thing, though (though not at the time). It was like Friday afternoon, I think, and I had just sat down to start feeding my screaming infant when Hannah proudly announces she pooped. This means I need to promptly wipe a butt and dump a "bowl" of poop. I take the bottle out of Isaac's mouth, allowing him to let out a huge scream and proceed to help Hannah. And just as I'm bending down to wipe her rear end, Isaac pukes on my shoulder. I thought of my resume and wondered how to capture this particular experience.

Any suggestions?? This will make for fun comment reading. Please, enlighten me. Who knows, maybe I'll even add your creative wording to my resume...

I've also been spending a lot of time on Until Journey's End. Check out the blog for our most recent update!

Jeannie, my friend from RMDH just called to tell me that our dear friend, Clinton, died over the weekend. We are unsure of the exact cause but it sounds like it had something to do with an asthma attack. Shocking, sad news. Clinton was the LIFE of the RMDH. He was a father to all our children whose dads couldn't be there on a daily basis. He made us laugh and smile. He WAS RMDH of Cleveland. I'm relieved to know (as much as anyone can know about someone else) that he was a Believer and now lives for eternity with Jesus. Praise the Lord!

With that sobering news, I'm going to sign off. Tomorrow, send some snail mail to someone who has made a positive difference in your life. If you wait until Tuesday, it might be too late.

2008-01-08T21:15:00.000-05:00

I've been following a blog, now, for a few days and thought I would share it with all of you. Perhaps you will pray for this family or join me in sending a care package or note of encouragment. They're going to need everything we can muster.

Confessions of a CF Husband (Husband and Father)

Catchin' Some Waves (Father, Father-in-law, Grandpa)

Also, an update on Ariel, Hannah's friend from RMDH. He finally had his heart surgery yesterday. Cristina (his mom), texted me to say he's doing great. In case you've forgotten, the surgery he needed has never been done before and in the case most like his, the other child died. Hugs and prayers as Ariel recovers from his surgery. Love you, Cristina!

And one more thing, you can follow another blog of a friend of mine from RMDH. Their son had a heart transplant. Their son, Grady, is a Modern Day Miracle.

2008-01-08T12:22:00.000-05:00

I love my kids.

But.

Sometimes I don't enjoy being a mom.

And for all of you who want to comment about how I have nothing to complain about, my children are healthy and my life is perfect...eat dirt and don't leave any nasty comments.

I was ready for my Calgon bath by 10am. And it's not because they're extra cranky or I'm extra tired. Isaac has been difficult to feed and Hannah has been difficult to keep busy. I've already got her signed up for Storytime at the library but she needs an ACTIVE, PHYSICAL outlet. I told her once the rain stopped today (probably won't) we could go for a walk. I just tried to sign her up for a class at the Y but one was full and one was cancelled. FRUSTRATING.

I mailed out letters to 6 area churches yesterday basically begging for a 50+ year old couple to "join" our family. It's not that I want help because I need a break, it's because Hannah needs an outlet and I feel bad dragging her to all of Isaac's appointments that take way too long. We can read books, play dollhouse, do play dough and it's just not enough. Thank goodness Jason comes home and wrestles and chases and all that stuff. I want to go to the Y, too. I want to go outside, too. It's not about getting out of the house, I manage that. It's about activity. That's what we need. That's what we've been needing for 6 months, now.

There are also a lot of things I want to be doing besides wiping butts and cleaning up puke. I want to apply to be a board member for a particular organization and of course they want a copy of my resume. Well, since 2005, those are the types of things I've been doing. Obviously, I can write in my cover letter I'm a SAHM but I don't like that my resume lacks 2 years of Professional Experience, either. Argh. I know, I know, I'll cherish these memories when my kids are grown...I cherish them now, too, but I still want to be an individual with hopes and dreams and yada yada.

I know everyone feels this way so there's no need to remind me. I know I'll feel better tomorrow. I know Isaac will eat better and Hannah and I will survive the next few months with few battle scars. But it's still how I feel and this is the place I've been venting for months, now, so here I am. Besides, if I don't blog now while the kids are asleep, I won't have time later.

Hoping to get the first 3 packages for Until Journey's End out on Friday. I went shopping last night and may go again tonight to finish up. Before you know it, we'll be the Samaritan's Purse Operation Christmas Child (except all year round) for the United States.

The kids won't sleep forever. Gotta move.

2008-01-06T09:51:00.000-05:00

I hope you were able to take a few minutes and explore Until Journey's End. With the first care package going out this week, I'm excited to see how this takes off. I know there are thousands of families in need of love and support, the next step is finding them and supplying them with needed items. If you would like to support others, as you have our family, please contact us! Every little bit helps! Also, please send the link to anyone and everyone you think may be interested in helping out! Even if you're not, maybe someone you know, is!

It's been a busy week, here. Hannah continues to go potty on her toilet without reminders--it's fantastic! She gets one M&M every time she poops on the toilet. She even gets to choose the M&M--big stuff here, folks.

Isaac is awake for longer periods of time and interacts with us more and more. Hannah continues to get most of his attention, which she loves. He gave her the first ear to ear grin a few days ago. He'll give little half smiles to Jason and I, but he reserves the big stuff for her! I love it.

My best friend, Amy, who lives in Colorado, was in MI for the holidays to visit family. Every time she comes to Holland (her in-laws house), she calls me and we get together. On Wednesday, I packed up the kiddos and we headed out. Amy and I had a great time hanging out. We made Macaroni and Cheese for the kids and ordered Chinese takeout for the two of us. Nothin' better! I miss Amy very much and always look forward to seeing her and her family. It was a fun afternoon!

Jason headed back to work on Thursday and Friday while I worked on laundry and ventured out to Isaac's doctor appointment (retinal specialist). We were at the doctor's office for an hour and a half and the visit with the doctor was less than 3 minutes. Hannah missed her nap, Isaac was starving...I was very frustrated. Anyway, Isaac's eyes are looking good. Another eye appointment in a month or so.

Yesterday, our Ohio Grandma and Grandpa stopped over (the couple who helped take care of Hannah while we were in Cleveland). Yep, their daughters live in Grand Rapids! They spent most of the morning with us; talking, laughing, drinking coffee. It was so nice to see them. Hannah thought Jason and I were leaving since they were coming over. Not this time! We had a very nice visit and hope to see them again when we return to Ohio for Isaac's adoption finalization.

So, I'm working on getting the house back in order, a routine in place and chores caught up, while Jason returns to work to catch up on his end. The kids are transitioning very well to our family of four, all at home together. I'm looking forward to the next few months as we travel down this new road. I'm going to add "blogging" to my list of things to do and see if we can get this rolling again on a consistent basis.

Enjoy your Sunday afternoon!

Until Journey's End

2008-01-04T17:09:00.000-05:00

Please check out our new blog (not to replace this one) and help support other familes in need!

Until Journey's End

2007 in Review

2008-01-01T12:24:00.000-05:00

January: Hannah Grace. One year ago. My little munka, munka.

February: Dinnertime!

March: Moriah Juliet. She was born 4 days before my 29th birthday.

April: Hannah and Daddy at Blanford Nature Preserve in Grand Rapids.

May: Hollywood, here she comes!

June: Hannah has a popsicle on our front steps on a hot, summer day.

July: Hannah and I go hiking when we visit my BF in Colorado.

July: Isaac enters our lives and becomes the reason we do everything we do.

August: Hannah sees her first parade (in Canton, OH while we're staying at the McKinley Grand during Hall of Fame week).

August: Isaac weighs less than 2 pounds.

September: Hannah meets Ronald when we move into the Ronald McDonald House.

September: Isaac is transferred from Canton to Cleveland.

October: Hannah meets Barney.

October: Isaac celebrates 100 days of life (in the NICU).

November: Isaac has surgery.

December: Two kiddos! At home!

It's simply amazing to think about where 2007 started and where it ended. I look back at the pictures from earlier in the year and I feel like we were more...innocent, then. Like we were still "young marrieds" with a sweet, little toddler. Hannah has grown up significantly in the past six months and so have Jason and I. We've faced the loss of a child through adoption disruption, the loss of a mother, mother-in-law and grandma, very unexpectedly and the joys and struggles to bring our son home.

It's frustrating and heartbreaking to think about our Moriah Juliet. Why did God allow her to come into our lives and then snatch her away from us? Why did God give me the opportunity to take her birthmom to her doctor appointments? Why did he allow us to love her? Why did I have to see my little girl love her little sister? Why did Jason have to hand Moriah over to the social worker? I will never forget the pain of that moment. Moriah will be a year old in March. I've written her birthmom a few times asking for a picture but we've never received a response. Yes, we have Isaac, now, but he will never replace our Moriah, who is still out there, growing and changing. Moriah Juliet will always have a place in my heart. Moriah's picture is displayed proudly in our home. I'll never understand why she was our daughter for only a short time. I do know that I can pray for her, from afar, and know I am affecting her life. If prayer over her life is the only reason she entered ours, that is enough. It has to be.

We lost Jason's mom so SUDDENLY. I think that was the hardest part. We didn't get to say goodbye. She didn't get to say goodbye. A couple months before she died, she'd fallen and fractured her ankle (complications from this accident caused her death). Nancy and Jim had been unable to come over (as they usually did) so I decided to take Hannah over to their place to give grandma a little cheering up. It was the last time Hannah and I saw her. I remember not really wanting to go...things to do, too far to drive, etc. etc. But I knew Nancy and Jim would love to see Hannah and Hannah would love to see them. It is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I really mean that. When Nancy was in the hospital, unresponsive, and we knew it was the end, I kept thinking about that decision to visit. Thank God I decided to go. Thank the Holy Spirit for speaking into my soul to put the desires of others before my own. If ever I have to decide between "things to do" and making someones day...I have learned to put my to do list on the back burner. Because I'll never know when SUDDENLY is coming.

Isaac. So many minuscule things had to happen for him to come into our lives, he is simply a miracle.

--Jason and I are up watching the 11pm news one night (which we never do) and see a story about a couple who had posted their adoption profile on their myspace account. I had had the same idea, but had never had the guts to do it! I wanted to see their profile so I wrote down their info and put it by my computer.

--A few weeks later, I decided to look them up. I did. I thought about emailing them, but decided not to.

--A few weeks later, I did email them. a woman named Sherry emailed me back. We "chatted" a few times, encouraging one another in our adoption journeys, and that was it.

--A few weeks later, Sherry emailed me with a list of websites to check out that listed children available for adoption.

--I checked out a few sites and thought it was a little risky. Ok, a lot risky.

--I checked the sites now and again, just looking. All the while we're waiting with our agency to be shown to a birthfamily.

--Hannah and I went to Colorado to visit my best friend. While we're there, I get online and look at the websites. There are a couple situations I think we'd be interested in. One in particular makes me go to great lengths to get our info to the agency. Within a few days, we find out it's a no-go.

--Hannah and I return from Colorado. I'm out on the deck while Hannah's playing in the yard and I decide to bring the laptop out and surf the web. Right before I turn it off, I decide to check the adoption sites. I find a posting that says, "AA baby boy born 7/15/07 at 24 week gestation. The baby is legally freed for adoption. He was born at 1 pound, 8 oz and 13 inches. He had APGARS of 2 and 9. He is currently vented but doing very well. He has had no brain bleeds." I called the agency at 4:50pm and finally got through to a social worker. By the time I was off the phone, I was reeling. It was Friday afternoon and I HAD to call Jason.

--Monday afternoon we got the call that if we wanted him, he was ours. We did.

--Tuesday afternoon Hannah and I left to meet Isaac.

Marriage is a step of faith. Deciding to have children is a step of faith. Adoption is a leap. But Isaac? He was a running jump of faith. And I love that. I love that we trusted God enough to DO THIS. It's exhilarating! And it's not over, yet! We don't even know the plans God has for our son. Or our daughter. Or our family. I pray God would continue to challenge and grow our faith. I pray we would answer His call. Every time. I have learned to really, really, trust God. And I have learned that trusting Him is the ONLY way I want to live my life. On the edge. Running and jumping off. No safety net.

What's next?

Only God knows.

New Year's Eve

2007-12-31T13:02:00.000-05:00

My posts get further and further apart, don't they? It's really a matter of routine, folks. Once the holidays are over and Jason is back to work, I think I'll be able to come up with a set time of day to "chat" with all of you. Right now, the kids are napping and Jason is doing some work at the dining room table so I have a few free moments!

My parents, Don and Lisa, came for a short visit Saturday to Sunday. It was great to see them and introduce them to Isaac. Hannah got a camera from them for Christmas (the gift she continually asked for). She was thrilled! Hannah and my dad played games and joked around. Mom made a big dinner (that I thought was too big) until I was pleasantly surprised to see my brother and his girlfriend arrive. I was excited to see my little brother who lives in Lansing. It was a fun weekend!

Yesterday, after my parents left, Jason and I sacked out on the couch. Isaac slept with Daddy and Hannah watched cartoons. The guilt. But, not enough to keep my from snoozing (with one eye open).

We were planning on seeing friends tonight for a few hours, but her youngest is sick. We don't want any of that around here, so we'll be staying in just the four of us this evening. Jason and I are usually in bed before midnight anyway. It's usually not a holiday we actively celebrate!

Isaac is doing well. Within the last week, he's starting cooing a little more and smiling just a bit. I'm waiting for his ear to ear grin at my silly antics but we've yet to see it. He still loves to watch Hannah and spends most of his awake moments watching her run around. Last night we skipped his middle of the night feeding for the first time. He cried. But, we all managed through it and will give it another go again tonight. He's been eating heartily throughout the day so I think he's making up for it. We have another round of doctor appointments within the next two weeks. We didn't get a weight check last week so I might go this week just for the heck of it.

We haven't seen the possum again, but I think it's living under the deck. We had this problem last winter, so we covered the bottom of the deck so nothing could sneak under there. I guess it didn't work. In the evening, Cali runs around the deck sniffing in between the boards. Crazy dog. And that possum is like a 100 pounds! It keeps our lives interesting.

I did manage to vaccumn twice this week, finish the laundry in two days and wipe down the bathroom sink and toilet. I've impressed myself.

Hannah has also been using the potty for 2 days straight! Now that is impressive. I'm not holding my breath that this is "it", but it's kind of exciting. I tried for awhile when we were in Ohio, but since we were in and out so much, it was difficult to maintain any kind of potty consistency. Now that we're stuck at home, I have more time to remind her to go. And, she can go by herself on her potty. That's huge! We're thinking about preschool in the fall (she'd love it) and potty-training is required. We'll see what happens!

I'm thinking about heading to Grand Blanc in the next few weeks to visit Gram and Papa. I'm excited to see them (the longest I've gone without seeing them in my entire life, I think!). We'll spend a couple nights and visit other family while we're in town. We have to be careful that everyone is healthy, but other than that, I'm not too worried.

Thank you to all of you who send me personal email. I want to acknowledge that I do receive it and appreciate it, but I cannot respond to everyone. Please do not be offended! Each of you have given our family so much love and support I simply cannot thank you enough.

BTW, the pic of Isaac "in bed" is in Hannah's doll bed we got her for Christmas. How adorable is that?!

Future blog topics: Gram and Papa, Things I've Learned and New Year's Resolutions. Coming soon to the Life Support blog!

Much love.

2007-12-26T20:24:00.000-05:00

On Christmas morning, Hannah was thrilled to see that Santa had eaten her cookies. Gift opening was a joy with Hannah as she ripped the paper off of every present--including ours!

We've had a lazy vacation and loved (just about) every minute of it. Isaac is still fussy in the evenings, but since we've moved his bedtime up (from 9 to 7:30ish), now he has less time to be fussy! Of course, I have less time in the morning, now, but something had to give and Jason and I decided we wanted our time at night, instead. So, both kids are in bed no later than 8pm. It's almost like the old days!

We've started a game of Dutch Blitz that we've decided will not end until our next wedding anniversary--July 1st. We've played for at least an hour every night. It's great that we found a game we both enjoy.

Both kids had bathtime last night so we had to get some pics. Well, poor Isaac cries at about everything so he was a mess (but a darn cute one!). Hannah loves to have her pic taken after her bath. I love my kids!

Jason heads back to work tomorrow for 2 days and then is off again for 5 more. It's nice to have him home, but it's also difficult to have a routine when we're all home together. I'm looking forward to putting the holidays behind us and really settling in to a routine.

Cali, our dog, started acting weird tonight during dinner so we let her outside. She immediately started barking so Jason went to see what was up. Cali had a possum cornered on the deck! We quickly brought her in and went to the basement window to get a better view. Poor possum. He just wanted to be somewhere warm. He was sniffing for food, too. It was fun to show it to Hannah. She kept asking if it would bite her. We assured her we would keep her safe.

A special thank you to all of you who prayed specifically for our transition home and parenting two kids. There are very difficult days but overall I feel like we're grasping the concept well. And it feels good to feel good about how we're doing as a family.

Perhaps I will take a few minutes in the next few days or so and share some things I've been thinking about.

Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T20:43:00.000-05:00

Where do I start?!

We celebrated Christmas with Jason's dad on Saturday. As Gram would say, we made out like bandits! It was a very memorable day. Lots of laughs and yells of joy from Hannah. She immediately put on a sweatshirt she got from Aunt Sarah (Jason's sister) and made us put together every single toy on the spot! You can tell from the pics that Jim is very loved by our family--even Cooper (our cat) wanted to be on his lap! We had a very nice time. I thought of Nancy (Jason's mom) several times throughout the day. Her presence was definitely missed at our tiny gathering.

Isaac is doing well. As of Friday, he's 8 pounds, 2 ounces and he's eating 2-4 ounces every three hours. He still needs considerable support to his cheeks and chin to suck correctly on his bottle. I asked his GI doc if we could start skipping the 3am feeding....no dice. For now, we will continue to "enjoy" this one-on-one time with our little buddy. He's making more eye contact which is very good. He's cooing a little and smiled at me once (I think). These developmental milestones are critical for preemies. These are often the first signs of normal or delayed development. He will have a therapist coming once a week for at least a year beginning in January to help with these issues. He gets tummy time during the day and can turn his head from side to side. He doesn't want to hold it up for long, but we're working on it! He still loves to watch and listen to Hannah more than anyone else. I think they'll be best buds (at least I really, really hope so).

Hannah is adjusting well. She loves on Isaac and helps a ton. Whenever there is something she can do to help, I ask her. And she loves the responsibility of helping Mama. Her vocabulary and comprehension continue to expand. Tonight, in the car on the way home from church (yes, we took Isaac to church--bad parents!) we were talking about Santa coming to bring gifts to the good girls and boys. She was quiet for a minute and then said, "But not to the bad ones?!" So adorable. And when she picked out the cookies to leave for Santa, she picked the two smallest ones. Jason was disappointed and muttered under his breath that Santa might have to get into the cookie jar.

Joe Gartrell for the Canton Repository wrote a follow-up story about our family and it was in the paper today. You can read the story at Canton Repository and search local headlines for Miracle Baby Heads Home. Thanks, Joe. You've allowed us to share our story with many, many loving people.

Then, we received a phone call from FOX 17 this afternoon, mentioning they'd read Joe's article and wanted to know if we'd do an interview. Visit Fox 17 and look for Miracle Baby. The interview aired on the 10pm news this evening. Thank you, FOX 17, for sharing our story with our Grand Rapids community.

Throughout the weekend and between late night feedings, Jason and I have been playing Dutch Blitz, our new favorite game we received as a gift from some friends we made while at the RMDH. Ken and Jeannie and family, we're getting good so you better be sure you want to invite us to visit and play Ships this summer!

Much love to you and yours. There's no place I'd rather be. And I really mean that.

2007-12-19T07:29:00.000-05:00

Gram, you were right, yesterday was crazy. It's always helpful to have Hannah and I dressed and ready before Isaac wakes up between 8 and 9 in the morning. Luckily, yesterday was one of those days I was on the ball!

We left the house around 12:15 so I could return some library books, make a deposit and return the weekend movies. I only got to the books before we had to head to Isaac's appointments. We saw the Endocrinologist (Vitamin D levels) at 1pm. They were very pleased with his progress considering his very early birth and complicated start to life. They're putting him back on a Vitamin D supplement (which I'm thrilled about because I had to purchase it before we left the hospital and it was $85 and not covered by insurance). I was glad to not see that money go to waste but sorry the kiddo needs it. Vitamin D helps the body absorb Calcium which we all know we need for strong, healthy bones. While Isaac does not have rickets, he does have some bone abnormalities. After that appointment, we had another at 3:15 in the same building...so I decided to wait. Other than Isaac throwing up an entire bottle all over myself and him, the wait was fine. I brought snacks and toys for Hannah and she was fine. 3:15 rolls around and we see the nurse practitioner from the GI doc's office (billiruben levels and feeding issues). This was the appointment I had been waiting for. All of his fussing and carrying on during pooping was a little concerning. Well, I was worrying for no reason. She said he was fine. With that out of the way, she gave him a different acid reflux med, Prevacid instead of Zantac--a little stronger to help with his uncomfortableness. She also gave me 3 cans of Elecare (Isaac's formula)--liquid gold in our house! Then I had to take him to the lab to get his blood drawn for some tests. I waited with Hannah while he screamed in the back. It was pretty horrible. Anytime he starts crying at an appointment Hannah gets worried. I decided it was better for her not to see him being manhandled and held down to get his blood. He came out allright and I sat and held him for a few minutes. By the time we left the lab it was 4:45. I was exhausted, Hannah was exhausted (missed naptime) and Isaac was comatose from his blood draw. Jason called to say he was leaving Lansing and I asked if we could go out for dinner. At 6pm, we met up at Applebee's. After dinner we headed out to Meijer Gardens to see the Christmas lights, trees and train. It was so busy. But, Hannah loved it. So it was worth it. Isaac was buried in his front carrier and covered with a blanket so he wasn't exposed to the 1000 other people walking around. A full day!

We have one appointment with the surgeon this morning and then we're home for the day. I will have to get out tonight to get a few things done. I've got this little list of things to do that I continue to put off. Mostly because it involves errands I don't want to do with both kids; but by the time Jason gets home and we eat, I don't want to go out again. Anyway, I have a few gifts to mail that I just need to take care of...now Christmas is less than a week away! Hopefully today!

One of my friends from the RMDH whose son had a heart transplant as a newborn is doing very well. He had a bottle yesterday for the first time. They're not giving them a discharge date, but I pray it's soon! It's so nice to be able to continue to follow along on their journey. I keep telling them they'll never be rid of us now...we're forever friends! We love and miss you guys!!

Hannah is thrilled for Christmas and Santa. Frankly, so am I. I love getting gifts. Love it. I love to give gifts, too. We're doing our best to explain to Hannah that Christmas is about Jesus's birthday but somehow Santa always come out on top. We do read about the birth of Jesus from the Bible every Christmas morning but I have a feeling Hannah's focus will be elsewhere!

Have a great day!

2007-12-17T08:51:00.000-05:00

Ok, I officially feel terrible for not blogging for so long! No excuses, really.

Overall, the kids are doing great. Isaac continues to be fussy, especially in the evening. He also has a lot of trouble getting the poop out...at least he makes a big deal about it. He'll be seeing the pediatric GI doc tomorrow and I've already started my list of questions. He also slowed way down on the weight gain so his pediatrician said we need to monitor him closely (we already are, but you know what I mean). Hannah watches more TV than I would like (I vowed my kids would never watch TV....yeah, right) but at least it's PBS and Bible song DVD's. It's just easier, ya know?! Santa got her a big jumping thing for Christmas that will go in the basement that she will love. I'm excited to have an indoor "outlet" for all of her energy.

Jason continues to be a big help with the kids. Both kids needed a bath yesterday so I took Isaac first, while Hannah played with Daddy and then we did the switch up in the evening for Hannah's bath. We take turns every other evening putting her to bed. Jason also helps with the nigh time feedings. He does all the feedings at night on the weekends so I can have a break. Jason also let me go Christmas shopping (since I hadn't started, yet) on Friday night. I was gone from 5:30-10pm and Jason didn't call at all. It was soooo nice to get out and get our shopping done. I went to Michael's, Dollar Tree and Target. I listened to my James Taylor Christmas CD while in traffic. It was wonderful.

Papa stopped by on Saturday to visit with us. Hannah was THRILLED to see him and have a tea party with him. She was hesitant to share him with Isaac and at one point told him he could not hold Isaac. It was cute. He'll be stopping by again this Saturday for Christmas. Since we can't get out with groups of people, our friends and family are stopping in for short visits at our place. Feel free to give us a call if you want to stop in for a visit. There are some restrictions, but give us a call and we'll see what we can work out.

We got a ton of snow Saturday night so Hannah and I went out Sunday morning to shovel. It was so fun. I actually enjoy outside work. I like that it's physical and I just love being outdoors. Hannah loved running, falling and playing in the snow. I was glad to give her an opportunity to get outside. I think that's one of the things we missed most about being in Ohio--not a lot of opportunities to get outside and enjoy the outdoors--like taking walks.

The house is a mess (stuff everywhere). We looked at our budget to see if we could get someone in to vacuum once a week...no go. I feel horrible that I can't get to that kind of stuff, but it really is difficult. And the worst thing is the pet hair. I hate it. I love my dog and cat but not the constant hair all over. I'm so conscious about it when people come over, too. Vacuuming and laundry are the two things that I absolutely have to do. At least I'm managing the laundry!

We also received a very nice letter and gifts from someone in Ohio. What a nice surprise! Thank you so much! It's amazing that so many of you are still out there! I continue to appreciate your encouragement and support. I wish I could have all of you over for dinner! I'd love to have the opportunity to really get to know you. I feel like you know me, but I don't know you. That's why I enjoyed getting your notes and cards and pics that you sent about yourselves.

I better get going. Isaac is probably in bed screaming and I'm on the computer. Bad mommy!

Love to all!

2007-12-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

Isaac cannot keep the pacifier in his mouth--not even for 2 seconds--that is why I took it away. And unless someone else is coming over to hold it in his mouth 24/7, I don't have enough hands to do that and the other things I need to do. They can do a lot of crazy things in the hospital to keep the pacifier in his mouth (which they did) but I can't do those things at home because he's not on a monitor, he can't have blankets, etc. I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST PACIFIERS OR SOOTHING MY CHILD. I'll not vent this issue anymore on the blog.

We're slowly figuring things out. Isaac continues to eat well and sleep well at night. Hannah is my little helper--she loves her new "responsibilities." Jason is busy with work but still helping a ton. A few friends have stopped over and I'm looking forward to a friend coming on Friday afternoon for a little while. It's nice to finally start seeing people I haven't seen in a long time. Hannah got to visit her best friend the other day. She was sooo excited. The girls keep "calling" the zoo to see if it was open. She definitely keeps me laughing!

Gotta get ready for bed...Isaac will be ready for a bottle in about a 1/2 hour.

2007-12-10T21:57:00.000-05:00

Well, Isaac continues to think he needs a pacifier. He'll suck like crazy for a few seconds on his hand, realize it's not what he wants, and howl away. He's turning out to be a little fussy. I keep reminding him of his alien abduction like life up to last week and it doesn't seem to remind him how lucky he is to be out of the hospital and in the loving arms of Mom and Dad.

Hannah loves Isaac the most when we're not holding him. She continues to feel left out and second, although we're very diligent in reminding her of our love for her.

These continue to be our two biggest battles.

I made a nice Beef Roast for dinner last night and had Beef Stew for dinner tonight. Yummy!

Isaac had an appointment with the eye doctor today and it went well. The doc feels his eyes are doing well. His visiting nurse came today and he weighs 7 pounds 11 ounces. He sure is packing it on! No worries about weight gain here, folks!

Jason and I are settling in; learning how to live together again. After being apart for so long, it takes some time to adjust to life together again, plus one.

Overall, I think we're feeling good. Tired, of course, but adjusting.

I'll try to get some pics of the kiddos for tomorrow's post. In the craziness, it's difficult to remember to take pics, too!

Love to all.

2007-12-07T22:28:00.000-05:00

I'm a little impressed with myself. Blogging three days in a row from home. Of course the house is a disaster...I did catch up on laundry, though. And now it's Friday night...time to enjoy the weekend. Jason and I rented a couple of movies--Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny and Oceans Thirteen. Both kids are in bed and we're relaxing in the basement with a warm fire. Cali likes to lay right in front of the fireplace while Cooper is about 2 feet back. It's so nice to just be here. Even with the mess. It'll all get taken care of sometime, right?!

Isaac had his first doctors appointment today. He weighs a whopping 7 pounds 7 ounces--he's gained 5 ounces since he left the hospital on Tuesday night!! Unbelievable. He's going to be on a diet before we know it! I was glad to finally begin to make some connections in our medical community. We have several more appointments in the next few weeks--just to make sure he's doing all right. The doctor also removed the dressing from the broviac removal and there is seriously a hole in his chest. It's kind of gross. I have to put a new bandaid on it everyday. Yuck.

Jason, husband of the year, let me go out and get Beaner's tonight and pick out the movies by myself. He also does the bottle feedings during the night on Fridays and Saturdays (he did this with Hannah and Moriah, too). What an awesome guy. I really mean it.

Evans' Family--sorry we can't make it this weekend. I'm sure you understand! Have a great time and we'll miss seeing all of you! Merry Christmas.

Joe Gartrell, from The Repository in Canton, OH, is doing a follow-up on his original story from July. He said everyone was supposed to pick a story they did this year that they wanted to do a follow-up on and he chose us. That is so kind. He said it would be running sometime in the next few weeks.

We had our favorite pizza for dinner, Jet's Pizza. It was a nice Friday evening. We'll be putting up the tree tomorrow.

Off to relax with my hubby.

Nighty night.

2007-12-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

We're beginning to settle in a bit. I'm putting together a play room for Hannah on the first floor (most of her toys were in our finished basement before) so I don't have to keep going up and down the stairs with both of the kids.

Hannah is quickly learning that Isaac takes up some of my time. She wants me to hold her more and is throwing way more temper tantrums. I think that's the hardest part for me right now. I continue to reassure her that I love her just as much as I did before Isaac came home. Tonight Hannah and I went to Beaner's together while Jason stayed with Isaac. We had a little Hannah/Mommy time and it was fun for both of us.

We've had dinner together at the table two days in a row and I'm loving it. I broke the rules today and took Isaac to the grocery store. I couldn't help it! I really wanted to get some groceries. It was wonderful. Cucumbers, romaine lettuce, deli meat, asparagus...heavenly. And it was so nice to see my produce guy--I used to see him every Thursday morning when Hannah and I would go shopping. The last time I saw him was the week before we left for Ohio. Just a little thing but it felt good to have some "normalcy".

Gotta get to bed. Isaac needs to eat every three hours and midnight is right around the corner!

Goodnight.

2007-12-05T12:50:00.000-05:00

VERY quickly!

We made it home last night about 12:30 without any problems. By the time we unpacked the car, fed Isaac and got the kids into bed, it was about 2am. Not much sleep last night as Isaac is used to the nurses constantly putting his pacifier back in his mouth 24 hours a day. We're in the process of breaking that habit. (Please, if you don't agree, keep your thoughts to yourself). Jason left for work around 9:30 this morning.

A visiting nurse came this morning to check on Isaac and all is well. He'll see his pediatrician for the first time on Friday.

I think we finally found a bottle and nipple that works well for Isaac...now it's just getting out to buy like 5 more along with some other stuff we need...like creamer for my coffee!! Thanks to a good friend of mine who delivered some staple food items last night. Very helpful!

I'll do my best to keep you up to date!

2007-12-04T13:20:00.000-05:00

When we started this journey on July 20, we had no idea what was to come:

--142 days in the hospital
--133 days since Hannah and I first arrived in Ohio
--133 blog posts
--122 days on oxygen
--3 "homes away from home"
--2 hospitals
--$1,000,000 in hospital charges
--$15,000 in credit card charges
--10,000 miles logged between MI and OH
--Countless prayers

--1 little boy finally discharged from the hospital and ready to join his family at home.

A special thanks to all of you who have helped along the way:

--Rachel: For making the first trip down with me.

--Aultman Hospital labor and delivery staff and NICU staff: You saved Isaac's life and gave him a great beginning.

--Cindy: For inquiring where it had not been done before.

--Rogie's Learning Center

--McKinley Grand Hotel: I love guys! Diane, we'll be back in March!

--Pro Football Hall of Fame: Thanks for letting us continue our stay at the MG.

--Chip and Sharon and family: You opened your home, your life and your family to us. We are forever grateful for your generosity and love. We'll look you up in March!

--Ronald McDonald House of Cleveland and staff and volunteers: I love the RMDH. Thank you for all you do. The love you show the families at the house is truly amazing.

--Clinton: You are the sunshine on a gloomy day. Our kids adore you. We adore you. We look forward to seeing you everyday.

--Rainbow Babies and Children's Hosptial NICU staff: Aside from the fact that you took great care of Isaac, I had so much fun getting to know all of you. Thanks for making me laugh when I didn't think I could. Erin, Alyssa, Veronica, Melissa and Kim...you guys are great. I missed you the moment we went up to stepdown.

--Activity room volunteers: We love you Betty and Carol!

--Our busdrivers: Percy, Tim, Eric and Dennis

--Glenn and Sue: Thank you for being our Ohio grandparents. Thank you for being available at a moments notice. Thank you for loving our family so generously. Call us when you get to GR!

--Jessica, Jeannie, Christina, Maribelle, Teresa: Keep fighting! What a joy to get to know you and your children. It's so difficult to see our kids fighting for their lives. God says we're strong enough with his help. You are all an inspiration to me. Friends forever.

--Gram: You are a WARRIOR for Jesus. He is so proud. I am, too.

--Blog readers, note senders and gift mailers: Thank you for your prayers and support during this part of our journey. You truly lifted my spirits again and again. At the end of a trying day, you gave me something to look forward to.

--Jason: We're coming home! You have been a constant source of love and support (even when I haven't been). I can't wait to see you and the kids watching MSU basketball together on the couch. You are an amazing husband and father. Thank you for your unconditional love.

--Friends and family in MI: We're coming home! Thank you for your love from afar. Thank you for helping with major and minor projects that we have been unable to do. Thank you for taking care of our pets and getting our mail. Thank you for mowing our lawn and making meals for Jason. I'm so excited to see everyone. I'm so excited to be going home.

--Jesus: Thank you for the opportunity to parent Hannah and Isaac. I love my kids! You have stretched me beyond my limits and I'm still alive. Sometimes I failed the test horribly and sometimes I passed with flying colors. Thank you for loving me despite myself. Thank you for being a loving God. And when I don't understand your ways, thank you for grace and faith. Thank you for every person, phone call, note and conversation you placed in my path. Please continue to help me become the person you created me to be.

2007-12-03T19:35:00.000-05:00

The Plan: Jason has an oral argument in the MI court of appeals in the morning and then his dad is driving him down so the four of us can ride together. The doctor said it was very important for me to ride in the backseat with Isaac so we'll be sure to get a pic of Hannah, Isaac and myself crammed in the backseat together. He'll be discharged around 6pm, we'll feed him his bottle and we'll be hitting the highway around 7pm. If he does all right, we'll only stop for feedings. So, again at 9pm and again at midnight getting us home around 2am. Jason has a hearing on Wednesday so he'll be heading to work late-morning. And so it begins!

When I can't sleep I think about the logistics of being a mom of two. I also try to think about all the things I may have forgotten about that I'll need or need to do since I haven't been home in so long. A good friend is picking up a furnace filter for me this week as that is two months overdue. Some things will just fall off the to-do list completely--like cleaning the house. Was it ever on the list before?!

Isaac's care team has been busy making connections and appointments back home. Isaac already has a doctor's appointment for Friday. I, too, spent some time on the phone today making some connections from my end--making sure things begin moving along before I start to drop the ball! I've been so excited to give out my home number instead of my cell; I said when I get home I'm going to turn off my cell phone for like a year.

Signing off from Cleveland. And Ohio. Please, don't leave! We'll be live again...only this time, from Grand Rapids, MI.

2007-12-02T15:30:00.000-05:00

Isaac started on a 22 calorie diet instead of a 20 calorie diet today at 3pm. We're hoping his gut can handle the extra processing it needs to do with the increase in calories. He is not eating enough to gain weight, right now, and it's important for him to be able to grow when he goes home--this is what the extra calories can do for him. He did not start eating much more after his TPN was taken away so these extra calories will have to do until he decided he wants to eat more. We're still hoping for a Tuesday discharge. His nurse just said his blood sugar this evening was 50--the lowest it's allowed to be. He also has a new doctor who has never met him before which complicates matters a bit. Please pray he continues to do well and meets his marks so Tuesday can be the start of our life together as a family.

Next, thank you to all of you who have given me suggestions about where to find financial support. I am very familiar with WIC as we utilized their program for Hannah and Moriah. The first step, however, is to get Medicaid, which makes you automatically eligible for WIC (how adoptive families receive this benefit). As soon as we can, we will be applying for Medicaid in Michigan. This is all part of a very complicated scenario involving two states, two adoption agencies and the differences between how everyone operates. There is also another program, Children's Special Health Care Services (in MI), who I've chatted with several times, that will help organize things such as OT and PT, among other things. Rest assured, as soon as I possibly can, I will be utilizing all the support systems available to adoptive families and families with special needs children.

Less than 48 hours away from going home, every potential setback is overwhelming. I'm trying not to think worse case scenario, but I don't want to be blind-sided. I sent most of our things home with Jason to make sure we have room for the four of us and our essentials on Tuesday. I feel like we're living on the edge of two lives...and it's difficult to say goodbye to my friends, here, because we're going home and they're not. It's all very sad.

I look forward to blogging from home on Wednesday. I'm not losing hope, yet, for Tuesday, but my anxiety level will probably be off the charts until we actually pull into our driveway.

2007-12-01T20:45:00.000-05:00

Quick update. Jason and I enjoyed a nice day together while Hannah was with her Ohio Grandma and Grandpa. Isaac got his circumcision done today and is eating between 40-60 ml every 3 hours. 72 hours to go...

2007-12-01T07:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was crazy.

In a nutshell. Hannah and I had to get Isaac's prescriptions so I can learn how to administer them. Only one of the three is covered by insurance. She's not feeling all that well so things were tough most of the day. Our Ohio Grandma came for the afternoon so I could see Isaac, feed him and take the required infant CPR class. He also had his car seat test and passed. His circ will likely be today as the OB couldn't make it yesterday. Still no results from some previous tests we're waiting for. His TPN was turned off yesterday so he's flying on his own with only formula. They may have to increase his calories as he's not eating as much as he needs to be. Still hoping for a Tuesday discharge.

Hannah will spend the day with our Ohio Grandma and Grandpa while Jason and I have a much needed day together. I'll do my best to update tonight with some pics!

Have a great day!

2007-11-29T20:13:00.001-05:00

The tentative plan is for a Tuesday discharge. He did fabulous without his dextrose so they took him down to half of his TPN. He won't eat from the bottles I used for Hannah (anyone who bought Avent bottles off our list...I'm sorry, I won't be needing them...silly boy) so I went to Target today and picked out two other ones for him to try. Hopefully the cheapest one works! We'll know by morning.

I called our insurance company today to see if his formula is covered since it's prescription only...no dice. Hello, expensive formula, goodbye grocery budget. The rest of us won't be eating, but Isaac will.

Isaac had his x-ray (potential rickets) and his ultrasound (check on his kidneys) today. I'll call later tonight for the results. His circumcision is scheduled for tomorrow. Poor buddy buddy.

Jason will be joining us for the weekend tomorrow evening which is a good thing because Hannah is sick. She can't go to Isaac's room and I'm not sure if she'll be able to go to the activity room tomorrow or not. So, we'll probably have to tag team with the kids or I don't know what! Pretty soon he'll be home with us and our colds....what do you do. Nevertheless, Hannah and I are excited to see Jason.

Saturday, our Ohio Grandma and Grandpa will have Hannah at their house for the day while Jason and I have a date day all day. We're looking forward to some MUCH NEEDED time together.

A couple of friends of mine are going to our house on Monday to give it a good clean before we come home. THANK YOU!!! It's weird and embarrassing to think of other people cleaning my house. I know it needs it and I won't be there to do it! Thank goodness for friends who love me despite what they might find!

2007-11-28T21:12:00.000-05:00

We're getting close, folks. If everything goes PERFECTLY...next week. I'm starting to make plans for going home. I think that's why I'm having trouble sleeping. My mind is on overdrive working out the details. That's how I deal with stress. Organizing things in my mind. Weird, huh?!

Hannah and I spent the morning with Isaac. We even took him into the activity room so Hannah could play. The room has one wall of windows and Isaac just stared out the window the entire time. He's never seen bright natural light before. It was nice to hold him and play with Hannah.

It's kind of difficult to explain but in the past his body has been unable to store glucose and with a treatment they're doing (turning off his TPN for a few hours a day) they were having to give him extra dextrose or his blood sugar would fall dangerously low. Today they tried to take away his dextrose and his sugar didn't fall. So, no more dextrose. Next to go is the TPN. Hopefully, starting tomorrow. This is huge. Oh, and yesterday they started letting him eat "ad lib" meaning, he can eat as much as he wants.

I'm trying to watch Criminal Minds and blog so I'm gonna sign off.

BTW, the pic is of Hannah talking to Daddy on the phone tonight. We miss him. Very much.

2007-11-27T21:03:00.000-05:00

Today was a rough day for me. Isaac is fine, I've just been feeling overwhelmed by our circumstances. I'm tired of living like this. Alone. Eating so much crappy pasta. Spaghetti again tonight (not meaning to sound ungrateful). I made it all day without crying until dessert. It was vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce. I had peanuts in my room from Papa and as soon as I dropped them in the bowl I starting crying. This is my all-time favorite dessert because that's what Papa and I have always had together since I was a little kid. I remember sitting in bed with them at night, eating ice cream with chocolate sauce and peanuts and watching shows like Great American Hero and The Incredible Hulk. So I started crying because I started thinking about all the things we've missed out on. Visits with family and friends, playdates, coffee dates, walks around the block...and I just felt really sad. I still do. And Hannah is doing so well, but this still has to be difficult for her. Jason reminded me that in a few months I'll be complaining that I can't get out of the house. That's true. I still miss everyone like crazy and want to see my dog and cat and walk around the block and see my neighbors.

And my dear, sweet friends who are asking about freezer meals and gift registries, you are so wonderful. I don't even care about that stuff (you know what I mean) I just want to hug all of you.

The really great part about today was when the kids napped at the same time. Not because I had some time to myself (although I did read a Hollywood trash magazine and did a word search so I did enjoy the "me" time) but because my kids and I were together and they were comfortable enough to be sleeping. My two babies napping in the same room for the first time. A memory I'll never forget. Before Hannah fell asleep at naptime, she said a prayer on her own. I'm so glad she's beginning to seek out Jesus on her own. I know she doesn't understand, but I believe she's already building the most important relationship she'll ever have. That makes my heart happy.

I woke up at 3:45 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I finally called the hospital to check on Isaac around 4:30. He was fine and I still couldn't sleep. I should've read my Bible or something but instead I took the laptop downstairs and worked on a project I'm trying to finish up before we go home. 7 rolled around and Hannah woke up so my day officially started. I'm probably just tired. I did learn that another friend of mine who I've come to know, here, her nephew (she was taking care of him) died last night. Four families have lost loved ones since we've been here. That's about 1 every month. It's very sad to think that some families don't bring their loved ones home. I'm very thankful Isaac is doing so well and will likely be home within the next couple of weeks. God has truly been answering our prayers. It's impossible to understand why he answers some and not others. I will continue to lift up the families I've come to know, here, in prayer, as I know all of you have been doing for us.

Much love and appreciation.

2007-11-26T20:04:00.000-05:00

Even good days can be stressful. Isaac was moved to the stepdown unit around 4pm. Hannah and I were already waiting for him in his new room when he arrived. His new nurse quickly assessed him (7 pounds, 3 ounces) and his NICU nurse teared up and held him one last time. Hannah wanted to immediately hold him and kiss him. I wanted to get more pics but I was trying to manage the two of them at the same time and figured I'd better let the pics wait. I'm thrilled he's moved out of the NICU but it's really scary. Until today, he's had someone with him all the time. Now, he has his own room and the nurses just check on him. Of course, he's still on all his monitors, but it's still scary for this Mama. His doc also decided to take out his NG tube. Meaning, all his food is now from a bottle!!!! He's still on TPN (IV vitamins), but they continue to lower the amount as he eats more. He's up to 34 ml every 3 hours but if he'll eat more, he can have it. He still needs a few more vaccinations and still needs to be circumcised (poor kid). It's quite possible we'll be on our way home in just a couple weeks.

A friend of mine called today and asked what we needed and I jokingly told her we needed a minivan. Seriously, when we go home, it will be Hannah, Isaac and myself all in the backseat of my Malibu (they said I'd need to ride in the back to keep an eye on Isaac). My friend told me I had to take pics of the three of us crammed in the back. Ha Ha. I promised God I would drive my car until it literally died. It's been paid off for some time and is at 140,000 miles so it could go anytime (hopefully not on the Toledo bridge). I figure when it goes, God will provide our Toyota or Honda minivan (oh, yeah, we've already got it picked out).

We got 2 packages in the mail today from my very best friend in Colorado and my cousin and his wife. BTW, I've never received anything from Target.com and when I got a package with bullseyes all over it I was thrilled. Target delivered. Is there anything better?! Cute outfits and things we need for our little buddy. I remember someone mentioning they sent something to the hospital? I have not received a package there, yet. Please let me know if I should follow up. I have changed the address on the side bar since we may be leaving soon. Thank you to everyone for your generosity to our family.

I'm still looking for a babysitter and a Grand Rapids Grandma and Grandpa. As we near our homecoming, these people will be key to my sanity. Please pray that God would send the right people at the right time.

My hometown, Charlevoix, MI, published an article about our family in the weekly newspaper, the Charlevoix Courier. Unfortunately, I haven't read it, yet. I did hear from one of my high school counselors which was pretty cool. Anyone else hailing from Charlevoix? I'd love to hear from you! I was very fortunate to grow up in a great community. We lived in the woods, on the lake. I grew up riding golf carts through the woods, cross country skiing, boating...a life I'd love to give my kids. Unfortunately, land like that isn't cheap anymore. Jason and I have talked many times about re-locating to Charlevoix. Who knows where we'll end up...I certainly didn't expect the last 4 months so anything is game!

I have some work to get done. Some projects I'm trying to finish before we come home.

Love to all.

2007-11-25T20:18:00.000-05:00

After a wonderful week together, Jason headed for home this morning. It pretty much sucks to be away from him. He just called to tell me Cali and Cooper are lying on the floor in front of the fireplace. Hannah and I miss our pets alot. When I'm home I complain about them (the barking and the shedding), but I miss them like crazy right now. Hopefully, we'll be home soon.

So, about Isaac. His doctor feels he may be ready to come home (to our house) within the next few weeks. We've tabled the transfer, again, in hopes we'll be taking him home soon. This morning he started getting a bottle for every feeding and is going up 4ml every 12 hours. He also received the first of many of his immunizations this evening. If he does well tonight (tolerating his feedings by bottle) they may move him to the stepdown unit tomorrow. This would be his first time out of the NICU. His move to the 4th floor would also mean Hannah would be able to come with me to see him. Jason and I excited to think this could be it. It's also scary to be sooo close to the end, knowing that any illness could set him back quite a bit. Tonight, when I fed him his bottle (and forgot the camera AGAIN), I told him how proud I was of him. I told him to keep fighting and to keep growing and to keep trying and that Mommy and Daddy would always be here to encourage him along. I also told him if he couldn't do it, yet, that it was ok. I told him we love him no matter what. Healthy or sick. In the hospital or at home.

I think it's very kind so many of you applaud what we're doing. Really, it's nothing. We don't adopt kids because we want to save them, or because their birth families don't want them. Our children were placed for adoption and then adopted because that's how God orchestrated their lives, for reasons we'll never know. We are just a part of God's plan for our children's lives. And for that, we are eternally humbled and grateful.

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I think it's interesting how we think about families as "mine" and "yours", "birth families" and "adoptive families." As a Christian, I believe that we're all a part of God's family, therefore, everyone is family. We talk about being "brothers and sisters in Christ" but do we love and care for each other like family? Just a thought.

Many people refer to birth families in a negative manner. A common misconception about birth families is that they don't love their kids--that's why they "give them up." I've never found that to be true. Something many people say to me about placing children for adoption is, "I could never do that." And I think, yeah, it's THAT difficult. Why do we assume it's an easy choice for a birth family to place a child for adoption? Why do we assume they don't love their child? I don't think we make the same assumption of Abraham when God asked him to sacrifice his son, Isaac (Genesis 22). Instead, I think we look at him as a man of great faith. Trusting God and obeying God despite his human selfishness. There are a million things I don't know about birth families because we're not one. But I do know that my experience with birth families leads me to believe that they love their children as much as every parent. Except they love enough and trust and obey God enough--to let go--something most parents could never do. If there is ever a hero to me, it's a birth family. November is National Adoption Awareness Month. If there is anything I could make you aware of, it would be the love and self sacrifice of a birth family.

Blessings to every birth family who has placed a child for adoption. I believe God has seen your sacrifice, and will reward you greatly.

2007-11-24T20:46:00.000-05:00

Things I miss about home:

--our cat, Cooper
--our dog, Cali
--my friends
--playdates with Madi (Hannah's best friend)
--my down comforter
--cooking dinner (I'll regret that one, soon)
--dinner at the table
--Hannah, Cooper, Cali and I greeting Jason at the front door when he comes home from work
--sitting at the table on Sunday morning, reading the paper with Jason and drinking coffee while Hannah eats breakfast
--going to church
--my neighbors
--walking around the neighborhood
--Rose's in East Grand Rapids (and our favorite server)
--Story Hour at the library on Thursday mornings
--grocery shopping on Thursday mornings before going to the library and then racing home to throw the groceries on the front porch because we're running late for Story Hour
--waiting for Jason to call to say the van pool is back from Lansing and he's getting in his car to come home
--arguing with Jason in person
--reading books with Hannah on the couch

Things I'll miss about Ohio:

--my new friends
--joking about pasta for dinner every night
--Hannah running up and down the hallway with Mateo (even though it drives me crazy, now)
--Steelyard Commons
--eating dinner with friends and sharing about our kids
--riding the bus (Hannah says it's, "my blue bus")
--not having to cook or clean
--People Magazine subscription that the RMDH gets (I'm admitting to a love of Hollywood trash magazines)
--all the nurses, doctors, volunteers, bloggers, caregivers and friends in Ohio who have been supporting our family and taking care of my kids
--this whole journey. This is the only life I know with Isaac. It will be sad to let it go and move on.
-Isaac's NICU nurses. My question to them today, "Are you sure I can just take him home?!"
--looking forward to seeing Jason after being apart

Isaac Update:
He took a bottle for the first time this morning. He's taking a bottle every other feed and at midnight will be at 20 ml every 3 hours. We'll have more news about his transfer/discharge plans on Monday...

Good night.

2007-11-23T21:24:00.000-05:00

I missed yesterday, didn’t I?! We put Hannah to bed around 8ish and we were all asleep by 8:30. Jason and I didn’t intend on going to sleep so early, but I guess we were tired!

We spent most of the day with friends from RMDH. They invited us to their family Thanksgiving. It was so fun. We played a new game called, Ships. Let’s just say jumping around on the floor with giant playing cards isn’t just for kids! I think I may actually try to make a deck of these cards because I know some friends of ours who would love this game! We ate tons of food and Jason even got to see the Lions game while we were there.

We returned to the RMDH later in the evening only to have more turkey! All together, we had 5 Thanksgiving meals. And I didn't count a single calorie. I don't think I can count that high, anyway.

So, we received some really great news today. It sounds as if Isaac may be coming home sooner than anticipated. His doctor mentioned today that he may be ready to come home before Christmas! Jason, Hannah and I actually went to Target today but not for the 2-day sales. We went to pick up a few things for Isaac and add a few things to the registry. We're still hopeful he'll be transferred at the end of next week--as long as he doesn't get sick and when DeVos has an opening for him. Jason and I starting talking about some things we're going to try to do differently when "the family" returns home. We're so excited to think we all might be home, soon!

I fed Isaac both of his syringe bottles today. Hopefully, he'll try a real bottle tomorrow. He's eating every 3 hours and is going up 2ml every 12 hours. So, at midnight, he'll be at 18ml every 3 hours. He's getting there!

Jason, Hannah and I have had a lot of fun together. Laughing, playing and just being together. Jason and I are always laughing at the funny things Hannah says. Tonight, in the car she said, "Let me see...I remember something...I remember when we fixed Daddy's car." Just out of the blue. And sure enough, Jason did get his tires replaced about a month ago here in Cleveland. We just love her so much.

One more thing. Please visit our adoption advocacy website at: www.threevoices.org Please feel free to pass this link on to anyone who may be interested in our work.

We're so thankful to all of you for following along and loving and supporting our family. Much love to you.

2007-11-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

I'm already eating leftover turkey and it's really good. a little bit of salt....yummy. A family was so kind to spend the entire day cooking a wonderful Thanksgiving meal. Real mashed potatoes, sausage stuffing. They even had their kids draw Thanksgiving placemats. Really, what a joy. And now, at 11 at night, I'm eating cold turkey. Nothing better!

We visited Isaac today and learned that they've contacted DeVos Children's Hospital in Grand Rapids to request a bed for him. We're getting closer! Isaac also had a bottle today for the very first time. Well, it really wasn't a bottle, it was a syringe with a nipple on the end of it. He did well, eating about 7ml of formula. Of course, I forgot the camera this morning. After watching that great feat, we had another Thanksgiving lunch at the hospital and then headed to a local mall. Hannah got to play and ride the Christmas Train (again).

While today was a good day for our family, it was also a sad one. Today would've been Jason's mom's 56th birthday. Nancy died very unexpectedly in June. We miss her terribly and know that if she were still with us, she most likely would've spent considerable time with us here in Ohio. She would've been so excited to see Isaac and would've been sharing his picture with everyone she met. We know she is very proud of her grandchildren.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving and remember to tell your friends and family you love them.

2007-11-21T01:26:00.000-05:00

I'm a little late in posting, huh?!

Hannah was up at 6:14 this morning. Not what I was expecting, but with a half hour of Sesame Street thrown in, it wasn't so bad.

The activity room was open this morning! Carol and Betty, my two favorite and most reliable volunteers were there. I had a nice visit with Isaac and then picked up Hannah and headed upstairs for the NICU Thanksgiving Luncheon. The food was great and I was able to see one of my NICU mom friends who is now staying at the hospital with her twin boys. Hannah and I had a busy afternoon at the hospital and returned to the RMDH around 3pm. Hannah fell asleep in my arms on the bus and slept for a good hour and a half. While she was sleeping, a lady came in to do free manicures. Very cool. The only other time I've had a manicure was for my wedding over 7 years ago. I feel so pretty, now!

Jason arrived this evening and one of my NICU mom friends took the monitor (Hannah was sleeping) so Jason and I could run up to the hospital for a quick visit. He'd just had a bath and was in his swing when we arrived. Isaac was awake for most of the hour we were there. We returned to the RMDH to see the second half of the MSU/UCLA game. We lost, but only by 5 points. Jason was pleased as UCLA is ranked #1 in the country.

We're tired! Heading to bed because Hannah will be up in less than 6 hours. I need to get all the sleep I can before I have two at home!

BTW, loving your comments. Keep those Thanksgiving thoughts coming!

Much love.

2007-11-19T21:16:00.000-05:00

No volunteers in the activity room again. Thankfully, Isaac's nurse took Hannah for about 15 minutes so I could see Isaac. When I went in he was just lying in his crib looking around. It's amazing how seeing and holding him lifts my spirits. I go from down in the dumps to excited in seconds. He loves when I hold him up so he can look around. Then, he just puts his head on my shoulder and lays there quietly looking around. I just keep kissing his head over and over again. Our little buddy buddy. His nurses keep telling me he's going to think his name is buddy buddy. Have I told you that before?! I don't remember...As long as Isaac does not have any problems they will continue to advance him 1ml every 24 hours. And, if he continues to do well and DeVos has an opening the plan is to transfer him at the end of next week.

I think I'm more stressed now than ever before. I'm sooo hopeful this is all going to come together. I'm on pins and needles every minute of everyday. And every time I call the NICU to check on him, I'm scared they're going to give me bad news. I just want to snatch him up and make a run for it. All the nurses and nurse practitioners are so excited he's doing so well. Leaving here (and Ohio in general) will be bitter-sweet. The only life we've ever known with Isaac has been here. I'll be glad to go, but we're going to be starting all over again in a new hospital with all new staff that know nothing about him or his likes and dislikes. That Sara Groves song that I referenced before keeps going through my mind, especially the line, "it feels like pinching to me, either way." Now I've gone and worked myself up...I have to call the NICU and check on him...he's sleeping. That's good.

I'm also nervous about going back to real life. Here, there is no cooking or cleaning. No barking dog or shedding cat. I've noticed when I've gone home the last few months, my anxiety level really goes up. I feel so responsible for so many things, and I just get so overwhelmed. I'm very nervous about all these feelings when I go home. And it's weird because it's not like this feels like a vacation, but really, I haven't had to do much of anything for the last 4 months. I would appreciate it if you would pray for this anxiety to go away and that I would be able to embrace my role as a wife, mom to 2 kids, a barking dog and shedding cat. The other thing that's difficult is Jason's schedule. He's up and gone by 6am and doesn't return home until 6:15pm. He's asked several times to work from Grand Rapids instead of commuting to Lansing, but understandably, they tell him if they do it for one person, they have to do it for others. By 3pm with just Hannah, I'm finished. I'm nervous about 2 at home, now, for 12 hours a day. And I feel silly feeling these things because this is just normal life! You guys do all this, too! I know in 10 years I'll look back on all of this and wonder where the time went and why didn't I play with the kids more often and worry less. Just sharing my thoughts, I guess.

Let's talk about Thanksgiving. No, not your stuffing recipe or secret ingredient for your pumpkin pie. I'd like to hear what you're thankful for. And please don't say "kids, health, husband..." BLAH. I want to hear specifics. Maybe a situation or a conversation, an epiphany or a God moment, maybe a random act of kindness (or what I'd like to call a Divine Appointment). I'd like to hear your heart stories about what you're thankful for. I think it would be neat to share a little with one another. And, if you don't want anyone to know who you are, just leave the comment anonymously. I can't wait to read what you all write!!!! (Seriously, I stay up late, just checking to see if anyone else has left a comment. And I check like 15 times a day.) I guess I should go first. I'm thankful for a billion things. But one thing I'm thankful for are the people and the relationships that God puts in my life. Like our now moved away neighbors, "Grandma" Marilyn and "Grandpa" Dave. Or my new friends from Ecuador. An unexpected sister-like friendship because of a common adoption link. A neighbor that is a little quirky but truly kind-hearted. I always look forward to the next relationship that God has planned for me. For, this I am thankful.

Ok....now it's your turn!

2007-11-18T14:09:00.000-05:00

Isaac moved up to 2ml today. Yippee! I only got to see him for about 1 minute because the activity room was closed again. As he is awake more and more, it gets more frustrating that I'm seeing him less and less. Little buddy buddy.

Hannah, Mateo and the two of us moms went to the Children's Museum today. The kids had a lot of fun and we were happy to see them laughing and running around.

Other than that, nothing out of the ordinary. Oh yeah! We didn't have pasta tonight! A group came in and made homemade subs. They were delish!!! It was very yummy. Oh, and Pepsi, too. I love Pepsi.

Jason finished up the yard work this weekend. There are still many more leaves to fall, but as of today it's leaf free and mowed. Maxi, rememeber when we raked together and you jumped in the leaves?! That was fun!

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Look out, here come some more requests for help!!

IF Isaac continues to advance on his feedings and IF DeVos Children's Hospital has a bed available, Isaac will likely be transferred to Grand Rapids in 2-3 weeks. Due to this move, we will have new needs arising. At this point, (as far as we can tell) there are not many people in Grand Rapids who are aware of our situation--most of you hail from Ohio!! If you know someone in the greater Grand Rapids area who you can share our blog with, please do. Also, If you are able to help in the areas below, please contact me at the email address in the side bar on the right.

--Child care for Hannah. I can't be sure our current schedule will work in Grand Rapids, but my best guess for a time is 8:30am-12:15pm, Monday-Friday through the middle of January. I would prefer the NE side of Grand Rapids or my home so it's a short drive to the hospital and back.

--Another computer project...not related to Isaac's move, but a need nonetheless! This involves a lot of ink and paper!

--We are still prayerfully looking for a "Grand Rapids Grandma and Grandpa."

--A Grand Rapids babysitter. In our home. $5/hour. Must be 16 or older and have own transportation. This sitter will be for appointments and the off chance Jason and I can get out before Isaac comes home. (Since we've been in Ohio, both of our sitters and our emergency sitter have moved away).

--It needs to be done so it's worth asking...I have a very simple sewing project that needs to be finished.

--Does anyone know for sure where I can buy the old kind of roll-up plastic/vinyl window shade? And, how do they attach? If so, let me know. I've checked Target, but that's it.

Allright, I better go before I ask someone to clean my toilet, too, huh?!

Thanks a bunch, everyone.

2007-11-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

I think that pic below is my favorite so far of Isaac. His nurses call him an old man. He pretty much is! Anyway, he went from 1 ml to 1.5 ml today. Not much but better than nothing. I visited with him for a short time this afternoon and took him a couple toys I bought. He's now also moving into newborn size clothes--preemie clothes are on their way out.

Hannah and I hit up the mall this morning for some play time, train ride and a few stores for Mom. Our Ohio Grandma came this afternoon while I visited Isaac.

Probably gonna take it easy tomorrow, too. It's been a long time since we've been home and I'm starting to get a little depressed and short-tempered (like that's unusual?!). I'm really hoping we can transfer him by mid December. I'd love to have him home for Christmas but I don't see him sleeping in his crib at home until January. We'll see. There's always room for miracles...right Gram?!

Jason will be here late Tuesday. I can't wait.

I'm really going to try to go to bed early tonight. Love to all.

Secret Revealed!

2007-11-16T19:19:00.000-05:00

Settle in, it's going to be a long one.

Isaac: He's on day two of his EleCare (formula). His doctor said she wanted him to remain at 1ml per hour through the weekend to sort of...prime the pump. She wants to make sure his gut isn't pushed too far too fast. I'm totally ok with that. I'd rather take it slowly and reduce the risk of more problems. He's still on room air and I really love that. The only tube on his face is for eating and that's a good thing! Today after rounding on Isaac they let me take him into an empty nursery and hold him while they rounded on the other 5 kiddos. Usually, while they continue rounding, parents have to wait in the reception area. Since the activity room where Hannah goes while I visit with Isaac is closing an hour earlier than it has in the past, they're trying to find ways to give me more time with Isaac. I really do love the NICU staff. They are very good to our family. Anyway, so the social worker comes over while I'm holding Isaac and says she's got it worked out so Hannah can come up to see Isaac, too. I'm elated, of course. So I go get Hannah and bring her up to the NICU. Hannah, Isaac, me and Isaac's nurse go into a private room and spend like 20 minutes together. Isaac's nurse took pics while we laughed at Hannah's silly antics and joy over seeing her baby brother. Hannah even got to hold Isaac for the first time. Pure joy. Really. I just love to see the two of them together. Isaac was alert and looking around the whole time. Hannah sang to him and clapped his hands together--he didn't mind it a bit. We both gave him lots of kisses. Someone recently asked for a pic of the four of us together and I thought about that today while Hannah and I were with Isaac. We don't have a family pic, yet, because we've never all been together. I missed Jason a lot, today, when we were loving on Isaac without him. I'm looking forward to being a family of four for the first time.

This afternoon we received a FedEx envelope. I wasn't sure what to expect. Either one of you called Max & Erma's on our behalf or I don't know what, because somehow, they heard that I'd mentioned their restaurant on our blog and sent us $200 in gift certificates!!!! Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, here I come! How very nice. We do enjoy Max & Erma's and look forward to inviting some of our RMDH friends out to dinner. Thank you, Max & Erma's!! What a blessing.

Ok, so I can share with you our little secret because it's no longer going to happen. You might not believe what I'm going to tell you, but I promise, it's true. When we signed our temporary placement paperwork, we became aware of some adoption assistance (money) that we could potentially apply for. Our Ohio agency generally explained why we wouldn't want to apply for it and we moved on. Fast forward to this week when I began making phone calls regarding financial assistance for Isaac and the above-mentioned adoption assistance came up again. Basically, it's a federal/state subsidy available to special needs children who are adopted. This subsidy is EXTREMELY difficult to get. I think we could've gotten it because Isaac definitely meets the criteria, but we decided against it for many reasons. I know, I know, what's the big deal?! Here it is. If we would've gone ahead and applied for the subsidy, we would've had to post Isaac on the state of Ohio's adoption website for three days. If another adoptive family would've agreed to adopt him WITHOUT the subsidy, it would be up to the agency to decide whether to give us a choice to choose Issac and forget the subsidy, or just choose to give Isaac to the other family. Here's what it boils down to. If there is a family who will adopt a child without the subsidy, the federal/state government will not allow a family to adopt the child and get the subsidy. Messed up, huh? Even though Isaac is most likely very eligible for this subsidy, we're not applying for it. Crazy stuff. Crazy stuff.

**************************

I had a very disturbing phone conversation yesterday that left me feeling pretty bad...hurt, even. After the phone call, which was not resolved, I received an email in reference to the call. I had been very misunderstood. Jason and I were very angry. Later in the evening, we talked on the phone about what we should do. Each of us, on our own, had decided it would be best not to respond. It's difficult, sometimes, to just let things go. Especially when you've been grossly misunderstood and misrepresented. I swallowed my pride and let it go. We both agreed it was the right thing to do. Sometimes I wonder what I'm learning in all of this, and things like this happen. And I see that I am growing, I am learning. Not in every situation, but in this one, I learned. And it feels kinda good to do the right thing.

***************************

We've been waiting for Isaac's birth certificate since July. We cannot apply for a social security number until we have it. And we cannot apply for Medicaid or SSI until we have the social security number. No birth certificate=zero progress. Phone calls have been made by several people inquiring about his birth certificate and the answer is always, "call back in two weeks." July to November is way more than two weeks. This week, I decided I WAS NOT going to wait any longer. I started calling on Tuesday. I started with Vital Statistics, the people who produce the certificates and was told "call back in two weeks." Yeah, we've heard THAT before. I called several other places including the Ohio Department of Health, an Ohio state representative and several other organizations begging for help. "Please, help me get this birth certificate so we can move on." I called Vital Statistics again today in one last, ditch effort to get this stupid thing. It was a different lady than Tuesday so I shared my story and my frustrations and the lady said to hold for a moment. I pleaded with God to just give me this one little thing....please....please....PLEASE. 15 minutes later she returned and said she was mailing out his birth certificate today!!!! Ha! Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus! I started crying and told the lady she was an answer to prayer. She said, "Well, God bless you, you just love on your little boy." I'm so glad I stuck to my guns and kept trying. Ha! Take that.

It has been a very turbulent week here in Cleveland. Lots of good things and some pretty frustrating ones too. Not unlike your week, I'm sure. God is present in every moment of every day for every person. Sometimes that's a reassuring thought and other times it scares me half to death. All I know, is that we're all equally loved by Him and His desire is that we seek Him in all we do. And all He requires from us is honest effort. Imperfectly, that's what I'm trying to do.

Blessings.

2007-11-15T20:52:00.000-05:00

Well, Isaac finally started to eat today. Thank you, Jesus! They started him at 1ml an hour on a continuous feed. So far, so good. We'll know more tomorrow about how he's tolerating it. His incision is leaking less, almost none at all. The test is whether it starts again now that he's eating. On another note, He's a crabby apple if he's not held! I went in tonight to give his nurse a break from holding him. They also broke out the swing for the first time to see if that worked--for about a half hour before he got crabby again. And then Mommy picked him up and he went right to sleep. That made me feel good. His physical therapist came this evening, also. As you can see, he can hold the toy...and then he puts it in his mouth. I'm so proud!

Hannah and I did laundry and started to clean our room...I still haven't finished. One of my NICU mom friends folded our laundry...what a gem. It's the little things that make life soooo much easier. That made me feel so good.

Well, my NICU mom friend and I are watching CSI so I need to sign off.

Love to all.

2007-11-14T22:41:00.001-05:00

Today was World Children's Day...what did you do to celebrate?! We got a visit from Ronald McDonald himself here at the house. Hannah got to meet him. She was pretty freaked out. And then she talked about him all day. Too funny.

Bummer of a day in the land of Isaac. He did not eat. They stopped his Pedialite, too. His incision is draining fluid and they don't know why. We're going to see how he does overnight and go from there. It could be something, it could be nothing. I'll be praying for nothing!

"Ohio Grandma" came today so I was able to visit Isaac this evening. He pulled out his ng tube (tube used for various reasons) while I was there so we were able to get a picture of him tube free for the first time. His nurse then put the tube back in, but for a minute, he was just Isaac. Little buddy. He's a sweety!

So here's the deal (in reference to Gram's comment). I've spent the last two days doing a lot of digging around about potential financial support for Isaac (Medicaid, SSI, adoption subsidy). I finally started putting pieces together from a few months ago and am beginning to understand that there are some things we need to do. I was planning on sharing with all of you, but it's in our best interests (for now) not to share, yet. You'll really flip a lid when I tell you, and I hate to be so mysterious, but we have to finish what we've started before I make a big deal about it. No one is in trouble. No one did anything wrong. We just live in a VERY messed up world. I have to leave it at that, for now. I will follow up, though, as soon as I can.

Hannah got some gifts today and loved every one of them. You have all been so sweet to send us special packages. It's so fun to come back from the hospital in the afternoon and have a phone message that there are packages waiting for us. I just love to see the blinking red light on the phone!

I keep thinking I'll go to bed early and then it's 11, 12, 1, 2....and I'm still up. I need some serious beauty rest (do we lose fat during beauty rest, too?!) so I'm signing off.

JoEllen: Tell Maylee to stop scaring me! Glad she's doing better!

Gram: I love to see you in a tizzy! Glad you're a fighter. I love it!

Mom: Don't worry, I'll call. I got your message and I'll fill you in on the latest.

Nighty night.

2007-11-13T21:11:00.000-05:00

Isaac continues to breathe on his own. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking about his progress. At 12:30 this morning I called his nurse just to make sure he was still off his cannula. Today is the first day I feel truly hopeful that Isaac will be coming home. They started him on Pedialite this afternoon. If he does well through the night they are considering beginning him on formula tomorrow. It will be a very slow progression but I'm excited to think he might start eating tomorrow!

I spent 2 1/2 hours on the phone today trying to figure out some of our Medicaid, SSI and birth certificate issues. By the time I got to the lady with the gold ticket and perhaps the answer I needed, their power was out and their computers were down. Go figure. I'll try again tomorrow.

Short and sweet tonight because I'm tired! Love.

2007-11-12T19:50:00.001-05:00

Isaac was a busy boy today and was awake and cranky for most of it! I think he's finally settling in to being born. He's officially 1 week old, now (his due date was last Sunday, the 4th), and cries until someone picks him up. They figure things out fast, don't they?! He got dressed again today for the first time since his surgery last Friday, moved back into his crib and is off oxygen support as of this morning. Today was the first day he breathed all by himself! I expect he may go back and forth for awhile (on and off his oxygen), but today was a great day for Isaac Matthew. He also got the dressing removed from his incision and the surgeons think it's looking good. It feels so good to have good news about our baby. The other two moms who have infants in the hospital here at RMDH had good days, too, so it's nice to see each other at the end of the day and "compare notes" and have good things to share!

I forgot to take pics of Isaac this morning without his cannula so Hannah and I went back this evening. The volunteers did not show up so I went to the NICU and asked for Isaac's nurse to come out. I wanted to give her my camera to take a few pics when I realized my camera was dead. Instead, she brought Isaac out to the window (now that he's off oxygen he can move around more easily) for Hannah and I to see him. Talk about a profound moment. Hannah was jumping up and down, so happy to have the opportunity to see her "little bruder." Isaac's nurse put him up to the window and they looked at each other and Hannah gave him kisses through the glass. We all had tears in our eyes. I could've stood there for hours and watched the two of them. I tried my camera one more time and what do you know, it worked! I thanked Jesus on the spot for the mini miracle of a working camera when I really needed it to catch a great moment between my two babies.

It really was a great day.

I do have a couple prayer requests. Continued growth and health for Isaac, of course. And a major miracle in the medicaid, SSI, birth certificate and social security number area for our little buddy buddy. The "system" is a joke and is taking way too long to get us some much needed support. The formula he will be on is about $40-$50 a can--no kidding. We CANNOT afford that. We need the support that our son is eligible for to take care of him. We believe God will provide the financial support we need to make this adoption happen. So far, our credit card has been our best friend. We know this is not a responsible way to manage our finances, but that is what we've had to do to bring Isaac to our family. We believe Isaac is ours and therefore, believe God will provide. But so far, the problems still abound in this area. Please pray for the financial support we need to make responsible choices in this area, starting with the support our son is eligible for.

Many blessings to you, as you have all blessed our family so much.

2007-11-11T20:30:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the long delay, my friends. When Jason is here, it's difficult to sit down and do this. It's also difficult to do my Bible study and memorize my verses and everything else I should be doing. It's like that at home, too. I always seem to get less done when Jason's home/around. It's like I get lazy or something. Why is that?!

Isaac: they took him off the vent yesterday afternoon and he's doing a great job on his 1 liter cannula at 28% oxygen. His belly is a little bigger this evening and after worrying for a couple hours we found out he just needs to pass gas! Praise the Lord, Gram! He has been a little testy the last two days--more than normal, so he's been getting a little bit of morphine--just in case it's pain from his surgery. It sounds like they might start him on a little bit of Pedialite some time later this week. If that goes well, he may begin eating a tiny bit next week. It will be a slow process but hopefully we're done with all the problems, now. Only time will tell.

We've been keeping a little secret for awhile but we need to begin to ask for prayer for God's perfect timing. Our insurance company has requested Isaac be transferred to the hospital back home. When we asked who was paying--they said they were. So, along with the doctors here, we need to decide when it's the best time to safely transfer Isaac to Grand Rapids. Please pray that God would make it very clear to his care team what is in his best interests and that Jason and I would have a peace about the right timing, as well. My guess is that he will still be hospitalized until late December/early January, but for us to be home, first, and get settled back in before he comes home would be nice.

I'd also like to begin to put out there that we're looking for a "Grand Rapids Grandma and Grandpa." We love our parents VERY MUCH, but none of them live in the Grand Rapids area and they all have situations that do not allow them to be as involved as they would like or as we will need. We're looking for people who would be able to spend time with Hannah while I take Isaac to appointments (there will be a lot of them) and who want to be a part of our lives. Who would take her to Meijer Gardens or have her over for lunch. I'm not looking for a babysitter, I'm looking for someone who wants to be involved in our lives on a (probably) weekly basis. This might sound weird to be asking for online, but I've been thinking about this for a long time. Just like I knew our "Ohio Grandma" would come along at just the right time, these people will, too.

No dinner tonight at the house so we used a giftcard and went to Applebee's. During dessert (which we all shared together with three spoons), Hannah said, "Why we so happy?" I almost cried, but didn't and said, "Because we're spending time together as a family and we like that--it makes us happy." And then I said, "Why are you so happy?" And she said, "Because of my daddy." It was a moment of complete joy.

***************

In Matthew chapter 5, Jesus gives the Sermon on the Mount as an example of how a Christian should live. This is something I'm striving for.

Matthew 5:3-12

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will seek God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who where before you.

*************

Many blessings to you all.

Isaac's Surgery

2007-11-09T15:17:00.000-05:00

5:01am--alarm goes off (Jason lets me sleep a few extra minutes and takes his shower, first).

5:30am--"Ohio Grandma" arrives.

6:00am--Jason and I arrive to see Isaac is in his transport isolette, ready to go to surgery. We take turns holding his hand, talking to him and praying for him.

7:30am--surgery arrives to take him to the OR.

7:30-12:30--we have one argument, Jason watches some ESPN, I do some work for some friends, we watch some Discovery Channel, we wonder what's taking so long, we check email and try to blog but the network at the hospital doesn't allow it, we eat some candy, I get some Frito's from the vending machine. We wait.

12:30--Jason sees Isaac wheeled by and we follow. Isaac did great. He DID NOT have to have an ostomy--Praise Jesus! They removed 2 segments of small intestine--2cm and 7cm. They also removed his appendix. Apparently, when they do gut surgeries they remove the appendix so it doesn't cause future problems--kill two birds with one stone even though one bird isn't causing trouble, yet. Works for me. He is still intubated (on the ventilator) but we expect this for several more days as he recovers from the anesthesia.

1pm--We head to the cafeteria--we're hungry! Deli sandwiches, soup and pop.

2pm--back to the RMDH to relieve our "Ohio Grandma." Hannah was fabulous, as usual, and has just fallen asleep.

We've had our afternoon snack and are headed to the mall to take Hannah to play for awhile.

A big sigh of relief and we are so thankful this portion of his care is over. We look forward to the next several weeks as he recovers and hopefully begins to eat for the first time in many, many weeks.

We received a few cards today...a nice surprise...and some flowers from our church family--THANK YOU, GUYS!! Lots of love.

2007-11-08T21:29:00.000-05:00

All right prayer warriors, gear up because Isaac's surgery is TOMORROW! That's right, we got the call this afternoon that his surgery is scheduled for 7:15am. Jason and I will be there by 6 to hold him, love on him and pray over him. Our "Ohio Grandma" will be here at 5:30am to take care of Hannah until Isaac is out of surgery.

Please pray specifically for the surgeons precision in decision making and technique. Please pray that no problems occur as a result of the surgery. Please pray for a quick, healthy recovery from the surgery. Most of all, please pray for God's will to be done. To us, this is most important. No matter what, we want to honor God's will in all of this.

This could be the last hurdle before Isaac comes home. We're glad we're making progress even though it means a very risky surgery for our son. They'll be cutting out pieces of his small intestine. If they have to cut a significant amount, they'll give him an ostomy. Meaning, they'll pull a part of his intestine through his skin and his poop will come out into a bag. After a few months, they will (hopefully) put it back in and he will poop normally. This gives his intestines a rest and time to grow so they can put him back together safely. We'll know after the surgery if he has an ostomy--most likely he will.

Thank you for your prayers. We couldn't have made it this far without your love and support for our family.

2007-11-07T21:34:00.000-05:00

Isaac is a little sweety. He slept from 11:30 last night until 5 this morning when his nurse woke him up for his breathing treatment. Hey, if they can get him sleeping through the night before he comes home, fantastic!! When we got there this morning, he was wide awake. His nurse was holding him and patting his butt like crazy. I jumped right in and...he fell asleep. Little buddy. He's doing as good as he can be and waiting for his surgery. I don't think they're going to give us a firm date, I think "maybe next week" is the closest we're going to get. A couple of you have asked about his size. He's 6 pounds 8 ounces but I don't know his length. He's a good size for not eating for so long. I can't imagine what he's going to weight once he starts eating!

Jason is heading back tomorrow at 5am and will return for Isaac's surgery next week. Someone sent a giftcard to Max & Erma's a few weeks ago so we went out for lunch today. We even had ice cream for dessert...Hannah got to pick blue whipped cream and colored sprinkles.

We're enjoying our time here, making new friends and living the life God has placed before us. We're glad to be here.

2007-11-06T20:21:00.000-05:00

Hey, I have good news today! Isaac was extubated this morning (he's off the ventilator) and is back in his 1 liter cannula. We're all very happy about that--including Isaac. They stopped his antibiotics because he doesn't have an infection. They had Infectious Diseases come and double check and they concurred. So, what happened?! They think it was the anesthetic. Since some if it is metabolized in the liver and his liver pretty much sucks right now because of all the TPN, they think it just took an extra long time to get through his system. The doctor said we need to get him into surgery ASAP to get his gut fixed and get him eating. The surgeon came for a visit today and said they would try to fit him in next week. Seeing what happened after such a simple procedure (the Broviac), they are concerned about how he will do after his gut surgery. The doctor was VERY clear today that he will be very critical during and after the surgery. Because he is going into a major surgery already compromised, he will be at great risk. But, the surgery has to be done so he can eat. There are no choices, here. Just faith in a God much bigger than myself and the best surgeon in the world. So, we wait again. At least Isaac is resting fairly comfortably before his big day in the OR.

Thank you to those of you who offered to help with the blog project. I've found a couple people who are already on top of it!

Jason, Hannah and I will be here in Cleveland for Thanksgiving. We want to be together as a family on the day when we are so thankful to have each other. I've heard volunteers make a meal, here, so hopefully it's not pasta. I love turkey and mashed potatoes and....mmm...I'm hungry already! Maybe we'll slip Isaac a leg to chew on...

Love to all. Thank you for your prayers. God is answering!!

2007-11-05T22:03:00.000-05:00

Pretty routine day here in Cleveland. I made it to rounds only to find out we don't have an answer, yet. One of the cultures is growing bacteria, but nothing has been identified, yet. There are parts of his lungs that are collapsed. I think right now we don't know what's going on. I didn't think we'd see him back on the ventilator so it's a little frustrating. He will not be having his gut surgery tomorrow. He's too sick and we don't know why so....maybe in a few weeks?! He is on antibiotics so hopefully whatever is going on will be determined or the medication will do its job. It's sad to me when he opens his eyes and looks around. I feel like he's thinking, "What the heck is going on?" Poor buddy buddy.

Jason arrived this afternoon so we went for a short visit this evening.

I've never had a problem sleeping in my entire life and the last few weeks have been horrible. I can't fall asleep, I wake up alot and wake up early. I nap some afternoons when Hannah naps and that's nice. I won't have that luxury when Isaac comes home!

2007-11-04T23:39:00.000-05:00

Well, today was Isaac's due date. Not the best of days for him, I'm afraid. He's still on the ventilator and is showing signs of infection. Hannah and I left Grand Rapids around 6:30 this evening after we got the news. It seems like Isaac cannot catch a break. Hopefully, we'll know tomorrow exactly what kind of infection he has. Really, I don't know what else to say.

I spent three hours this morning at Beaner's with a good friend. That was heavenly. I napped a bit on the couch this afternoon while Jason worked and watched the Lions. Hannah is beginning to feel a little better after being sick all weekend. I made stirfry for dinner and at the last minute realized I forgot to make rice. Dork. Hannah helped with the vegis...it was fun.

Jason will be joining us tomorrow night. He was coming down for Isaac's surgery but I'm guessing that's not happening, now, since he's sick. We'll see what happens. It will be nice for Jason to be here for a couple days.

I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

Love to all.

2007-11-03T16:41:00.001-04:00

Isaac got his Broviac placed yesterday. Unfortunately, he's still intubated. They said that since he's not used to the anesthetic, his body is still waiting for it to wear off. I'm a little concerned by this, but we just have to wait for his body to start breathing on its own again. We're hopeful that he's recovered enough by Tuesday to move ahead with his gut surgery.

I had a nice morning running some errands by myself. Jason and Hannah went to Meijer Gardens and then we met at the mall for lunch. Papa arrived around 2pm and we're all playing and watching MSU vs. UM.

All the while, Hannah has been sick since we returned home Tuesday night. She saw the doc yesterday and got her flu shot...just waiting for her to get back to normal. Little sweety.

A couple housekeeping items: I went back and put all of Isaac's pics back up on the blog. If you missed the earlier pics, they're all back up for your viewing pleasure!

I'm looking for someone to do a blog project for me. I need a detailed oriented person to log some medical stuff from my blog. If you have some free time and want to help me out, please email me at my personal address on the side bar at the right.

Have a great Saturday evening!

2007-11-02T07:30:00.000-04:00

Hannah and I did quite a bit of running around yesterday. But not before we cuddled on the couch and watched some of her favorite PBS shows. It's nice to be doing some "normal" activities.

I had to get some new tires and have some problems looked at on my car. We need one more repair that I didn't get taken care of but hopefully we can get it taken care of within the next month or two. We stopped by our MI adoption agency and got some questions answered about some paperwork. We got a milkshake at McDonald's and Hannah had a short playdate with her best friend, Madi.

I want to take a minute and explain what is going on with Isaac. I don't intend to be dramatic, but he's not healthy. If you think about an adult being in ICU, you understand that their health status is critical. Isaac is in the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit). His health status has always been critical. He is more stable, now, than he has been in the past. But, if he were taken of his oxygen and TPN (IV vitamins), he would likely die in a few days to a week. The TPN that is keeping him alive because he cannot eat, is harming his liver and his bones. He has two peripheral IV's that are HIGHLY susceptible to infection. And, if gets an infection everything is put on hold until the infection is completely gone--usually 7-10 days. He was supposed to get his Broviac yesterday but surgery pushed it back to today. I have been very clear with Rainbow that his NICU staff have been wonderful. But I'm very disappointed with the Surgery Department for continually pushing back his much needed surgeries. He cannot eat again until they remove some pieces of his small intestine that are too dilated for food to pass through--called strictures. He is not bleeding out all over the place, but his surgery is necessary for him to eat, therefore, to live. I DO trust God's timing. And I understand that "everything is for a reason," but as a parent, it is my job to ADVOCATE for my children. ANY PARENT in my situation would be off their rocker, too, if their children were not taken care of in a timely manner and dates continually changed. NO QUESTION. I have always been respectful but firm when speaking with the staff about my frustrations. Next time, it's going to Jason calling. And he's the attorney in the family. He knows how to get what he wants better than I do.

We love our children. It's our responsibility to take care of them and advocate for their needs. And that's what we'll always do. No matter what.

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T21:31:00.000-04:00

We had another day together as a family, minus Isaac. I (Jason) worked in Grand Rapids today, so we were able to go to Rose's for lunch. Rose's is in East Grand Rapids and is Hannah and Tiffany's favorite place to eat lunch. It was a lot of fun, except Hannah was a little cranky. Hannah did not sleep well last night and was under the weather today. Tiffany and I figured out that she has been sick every Halloween of her life.

Although she was not feeling well, Hannah still wanted to go trick-or-treating. We dressed her up in an MSU cheerleading outfit and I took her to a few houses while Tiffany handed out candy at the house. After Hannah and I got back to the house, Hannah had a few pieces of candy and starting acting a little better. We played together as a family for about an hour and then Hannah went to bed. She fell asleep almost instantly. Hopefully she will feel better tomorrow.

As for Isaac, things are status quo. He is getting his Broviac placed tomorrow. Hopefully he does well over the weekend so there are no more delays for the surgery on Tuesday. We need Isaac to be released or transferred here. We have been doing this for over three months and its time for my family to come back home.

2007-10-31T00:19:00.000-04:00

Jason was SUPPOSED to come to Ohio today because Isaac was SUPPOSED to have surgery tomorrow. Surprise, surprise his surgery was put off until next week. I'm sure you can guess my reaction to that phone call. I ended up talking with the Division Chief of Pediatric Surgery (a really important guy). He profusely apologized and said they wouldn't have an operating room and surgical team available until next week. Best children's hospital in the midwest and my son has to wait a week because there isn't an available operating room and the staff doesn't want to put in a few extra hours. Interesting. I told him it was still unacceptable. He told me they still wouldn't do it until next week. Stalemate.

So, Hannah and I drove home. We arrived about 15 minutes ago. I'm going to watch some Letterman with Jason for a few minutes and then we're going to sleep.

Deep sigh.

Goodnight.

2007-10-29T19:57:00.000-04:00

Isaac's surgery is tentatively scheduled for Wednesday. Once we talk with the surgeon and get more detailed information about the procedure, I'll let you know. Jason is planning on coming down late tomorrow night. If Isaac has the surgery this week and if it goes well and if he begins to recover nicely, I'll be heading home sometime this weekend or early next week. We'll see what happens.

Isaac's pic line came out last night and then his peripheral IV came out today. Since he is dependent on IV nutrients, this is bad. Because he has absolutely no veins left in the rest of his body, they put his new peripheral in his head. It's so discouraging to see my buddy buddy with this thing in his head. They are likely going to put in a surgical IV called a Broviac when he has his intestinal surgery. He received another blood transfusion this evening and will get platelets before his surgery.

Hannah and I carved her little pumpkin today...other than that, pretty normal around here. I think I'm going to turn in early tonight. Thank you for your kind comments and words of encouragement. Always excited to read them.

Love.

2007-10-28T20:03:00.000-04:00

I felt like Hannah and I needed a break from our routine so we did a ton of fun things together all day!

We usually make breakfast at the RMDH, but today, we had breakfast at the hospital--Hannah had her favorite--pancakes and sausage. Then, we went to visit Isaac. Yep! Hannah went, too! Isaac was moved to a private room a few days ago so the social worker told me I could bring Hannah up every few days. We packed Hannah's backpack full of books and toys that she wanted to show Isaac. When we got there, we watched Isaac's nurse do his "care" and Hannah asked a lot of questions. She even wondered if the nurse was hurting him--I almost cried right there. Then we put Isaac in a bouncy chair and the three of us sat on the floor for a picnic. We read books and Hannah kissed Isaac about 100 times. It was so nice for me to see the kids together and to be with both of them at the same time. Isaac kept watching Hannah--more than he's ever watched or looked for me. It was really amazing. I loved it. We were there about 45 minutes and then said our goodbyes. I think it was good for all of us to be together.

We came back to the RMDH to get some directions and headed out for an hour car ride to an apple orchard in Berlin Heights, OH. Hannah and I had hotdogs and apple cider for lunch, we went for a hayride, fed some goats, walked through a corn maze and had a doughnut before we left. We also bought two small pumpkins that I think we'll carve today or tomorrow. It was such a beautiful day and it was nice to just have fun together. On our way to the orchard I had noticed a nature preserve so on our way back I asked Hannah if she wanted to go for another walk. She did, so we stopped. We walked a trail through the woods that took about a half hour. We kicked leaves and ran and threw rocks in the stream. It was glorious. I was so happy that she was so happy. After our walk, we got back in the car and headed to a Target I'd seen on the way. We shopped for awhile, getting Hannah all her winter gear--she wore her new boots all around the store. It was very cute. Then off to Cracker Barrel for dinner (no particular reason--just didn't want fast food). Hannah had macaroni and cheese (ugh, she hasn't had enough pasta?!) and I had a heart attack on a plate breakast for dinner. We each had an Andes mint for dessert while we rocked on the rockers outside the restaurant.

Back at the RMDH, we were told a school group had stopped by to bring us cards and presents. (A teacher contacted me a few weeks ago offering to help our family. I told her she could have a class make us cards--that we would really enjoy that.) Let me share what one sixth grader wrote:

"Dear Tiffany, I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but God does know and He cares about you and your family so much. He's sad when you're sad, He cries when you cry and He laughs when you laugh! God often lets hard things happen to us in our lives to make us stronger in Him. II Corinthians 1:3-5."

Wow. Almost every card had a different verse and words of encouragment to each member of our family--what a treasure! Thank you to Kingsway Christian School's 6th Grade Bible Class. Your love for Jesus truly shines through in our words and actions. Thank you for reminding me to be in the Word. No wonder God encourages us to come to him like the children. Their words and encouragement are truly inspiring.

Since the 6th graders sent bath gifts for Hannah, she took a bath tonight and loved it! New bath crayons, bath letters and bubble bath and she was in there for 45 minutes!

Our day was fantastic. We laughed and joked and talked and ran and walked and ate and hugged and smiled. Only two things were missing: Jason and Isaac. Soon, very soon. I pray. Very soon.

Good Night.

2007-10-26T22:02:00.000-04:00

It was a nice fall day today in Cleveland. Unfortunately, it brought bad news. While we're still waiting for the results from the biopsy, we did learn that Isaac needs to have surgery to remove part of his small intestine. We are unsure of the specifics right now--hopefully we'll learn more within the next few days. I was hoping to get through "all this" without surgery. But, not so. Because he needs this particular surgery, he will not be able to begin eating until he's recovered from the surgery.

My friend, Holly, arrived today. We went to the hospital this evening to see Isaac--it was fun for someone to see and hold him. Little buddy. He slept the whole time.

Missing Jason. Whenever we get bad news I wish he was with me. We like to talk things out. Best/worst case scenarios...all that stuff. I think that's how we deal with everything.

I was planning on going home next weekend....we'll see. I have a bunch of appointments already made...go figure.

Gonna go. Have a great weekend.

2007-10-25T21:01:00.000-04:00

Isaac did not get his upper GI today, but he should be getting it tomorrow. We'll also be getting the preliminary results of his biopsy. This is crucial. If he needs surgery, he will be set back several weeks. If he doesn't, he may start eating again tomorrow. I haven't thought about it much today but now that I have quiet time alone it's on my mind. No matter what, God has a plan for Isaac's life. I am here to love my son and raise him in a manner that he would love God. That's my job. Not to worry about tomorrow or 10 years from now. No matter how much I worry, it won't change anything, anyway. I trust that God knows what He's doing!

Ever use a dry erase marker on a mirror? It's so fun. I've started memorizing some verses again (I write the verse on the mirror so I see it everyday). I started with 1 Corinthians 10:13. I'm trying to choose verses that are helpful in areas I struggle with. My new one is Galatians 5:22&23 (one I should already know).

A couple came to visit us today. I think we figured they are about 4 people removed--they are parents of a girl who knows a girl who knows my best friend. Wow. They brought us some gifts that were very nice and very funny. They'd never met me yet figured out how to make me laugh--I love it! They have volunteered to watch Hannah one or two evenings a week so I can see Isaac. Here's the thing. They are EXACTLY what I've wanted. EXACTLY who God laid on my heart to wait for. A retired couple, whose grandkids live out of town (in Grand Rapids, no less) but yet want to be around kids (and who have the energy for an active toddler). Really, it's the little things that matter. I mean, this was a desire of my heart. I don't want to leave my little girl with just anyone. And God sent exactly what I wanted. Exactly. I'm so glad I didn't settle. I'm so glad I waited. I'm so glad I waited for God's timing and not my own. Thank you, Jesus, for the small blessings of life. Thank you for teaching me in the desert. I hope it carries over.

2007-10-24T20:46:00.000-04:00

Finally! (Big sigh of relief). His biopsy was done around 3:30 this afternoon. We should have preliminary results by Friday afternoon. He is scheduled for an upper GI tomorrow and if both of these come back negative, they'll probably start feeding him Saturday. This is the last big thing he needs to accomplish before he can come home. EAT! EAT! EAT! He also had an eye exam today and the doc said he looked good and would check in again next week. I'm hesitant to be hopeful that my buddy buddy has rounded the bend, but he has to at some point, right?!

Normal day for Hannah and I. Although I'm a Target fanatic, there was a grand opening of a new Walmart today and since I had nothing else to do, we went. Hannah received $5 in the mail from someone today and it was burning a whole in her purse! She decided to buy a My Little Pony. When we got to the car she asked where her $5 went...it was too cute. I explained that she traded her money for the pony. What a little sweetie. Isaac received a knitted MSU blanket today--it makes a mommy's heart proud. I was thrilled. We also received a card and pics from our dear neighbors, Grandpa Dave and Grandma Marilyn. They moved away this summer, much to my dismay. I cried when I saw who the envelope was from. Marilyn sent pics of her granddaughters, who Hannah and I adore, and also pics of Hannah at their new house (we visited them during our last trip to Grand Rapids). I miss them TERRIBLY and wish Grandma Marilyn could come to our window here as she always did back home. We love you, Dave and Marilyn!!!

All right, I'm signing off for the night. Love to all.

Happy 100 Days, Isaac!

2007-10-23T20:12:00.000-04:00

Mama bear is very angry.

No biopsy again today. When I got the call around 5ish that it was a no go again, I told the nurse practitioner that if it didn't happen at the newly scheduled time of 10am tomorrow morning, I would request to talk to the sergeon PERSONALLY.

Here's the deal, folks, I mean business. No more waiting. I'm done with that. It's tomorrow or that guy is going to get an earful. And if you know me, you know he WILL get an earful. ROAR!!!! God is good ALL THE TIME and ALL THE TIME he is good.

Besides that, today Isaac is 100 days old! In the NICU, their 100 day mark is kind-of a big deal. He's spent his entire life in the NICU, he's alive and he's in triple digits. I was hoping for cake and ice cream during rounds today but nobody delivered. Tsk. Tsk. What the heck are we paying for, then?!

It was a wonderfully cool, rainy day in Cleveland. I love the rain. Hannah loved playing in the raindrops while we waited for the bus. We went to JoAnn Fabrics today so I could get some fleece to make myself a blanket. I have the volunteers searching downstairs for a pair of good scissors.

That's all for tonight. Love to all.

2007-10-22T19:40:00.000-04:00

Not much to report today. I missed rounds this morning because the activity room opened late. Isaac is scheduled to get his biopsy done sometime tomorrow--we should have preliminary results back within a few days. He has his mobile on his crib--I'll try to get a pic tomorrow. I'll be interested to hear if begins to show interest in it.

Hannah and I had a normal day. I got the laundry done which was nice. I don't buy Tide (not in our budget) but they have it here. It smells so good!

Jason left around 5:15 this morning and within a few minutes a baby starting crying down the hall and it went on for like an hour. I wondered if the kid needed a bottle or something...I was about to go get it myself...

Jason's home, now, and needs me to go grocery shopping again! The poor guy doesn't have any fresh food. I usually shop for him when I go home but when it's been awhile, he has to go back to canned/frozen food. We both miss fresh meals (and the favorite ones that we're used to) and dinner time at the table--he really hates being home alone. I don't blame him. Once we have a better idea which direction Isaac is headed, we'll make plans for Hannah and I to go home again.

We received more packages and cards in the mail today. Wow! I just love it! It's so cool to see where things are coming from--so far only two of the packages/cards have been from people we know--almost everything has been from people we've never met! It really is such a blessing, you guys. Someone sent something for Hannah to unwrap herself--she loved that! She's having a great time with the stickers and other things you've sent. I wish it could be like this everyday! (I'm sure everyone does, though!) It is a true blessing to be thought of by so many people. It gives us a little break from our routine to open new things and read about your lives. I really do love it.

Hannah is almost asleep and I'm itching to work on some Three Voices stuff. I'd like to get this organization up and running. BTW, if anyone has any questions about adoption, or about anything for that matter, please don't hesitate to email me: evanstm@msualum.com I love to make time to answer your questions. Again, another break in the routine and an opportunity to help others--is there anything better?!

Much love.

2007-10-21T19:43:00.000-04:00

It was a pretty uneventful Sunday for our family. We visited Isaac this morning and had lunch at Qdoba. We came back for a short afternoon nap and then some outside playtime. Dinner was soup and bread and then off to Target/Walmart to find a mobile for Isaac (a suggestion from his nurse). We arrived back to our room a short while ago and are waiting for Hannah to go to sleep so we can watch a little TV and relax together before Jason leaves at 5am for Michigan.

A very good friend of mine who is also the wife of our pastor will be visiting this coming weekend. I am thrilled she is able to come here. (Thanks, J, for lending me your wife for a few days). I've been thinking of coming home the following week--we just have to figure out what days they'll be.

Isaac is scheduled for his biopsy on Tuesday. If everything goes as it SHOULD, he will be eating by the end of the week.

Jesus, I lift up our son to you. I pray you would heal him from all illness and prepare him to come home with us soon. In everything, I pray for your will to be done. Amen.

2007-10-20T20:02:00.000-04:00

What a day! Jason took Hannah this morning around 9:30 and I headed to the hospital. It was going to be a short visit so I could have some time alone but Isaac decided to scare us all nearly to death. His nurse was suctioning him when all of a sudden he decided to stop breathing and drop his heart rate to 54. Um, ok, this is nearly chest compression time, buddy buddy. So, I stayed for awhile after that--to make sure he was going to be all right. After he had settled down and was breathing again, I headed to the mall. Nice mom, huh? Near death and then head to the mall. Coping mechanism. Still need time to myself, too. Anyway, got a few unimportant things--small candles for this winter, should I ever return home...hand soap--a little treat for our home-away-from-home...candies for Jason...and of course, a stop off at Target just for a little look-see. I ended up getting a flu shot while I was there--I figured it would be near impossible to get into my doc next time I'm home, so, now I just have to get Hannah's and we'll be all set!

I returned to the RMDH around 3ish to quickly load up the car with our friends from Ecuador and we all headed to the Ringling Brothers Circus--free tickets from RMDH donors. My friends had never seen a circus like this and they were thrilled! Hannah loved it, too! We all had a great time and hit up McDonald's on the way back for dinner (no food here tonight).

About the MSU game, well, Jason's happy that it was a close game. Hopefully next week against Iowa brings in another win.

Nighty night.

2007-10-19T21:12:00.000-04:00

Isaac had eye surgery again today. My poor little buddy buddy. He's up on his oxygen while he recovers. He has to have eye drops every few hours and he just hates it. He'll be sound asleep and the nurses have to pry his eyes open and put in his drops. I think he's going to have an alien complex for the rest of his life--like he was abducted by aliens and poked and prodded and injected all over his body. Any time they do something to him and I'm there, I try not to talk so he doesn't think it's me doing it. Seriously. Momma's little buddy buddy. My poor baby.

Jason, Hannah and I went to the Cleveland Botanical Gardens this afternoon. Because we have a membership to Meijer Gardens in Grand Rapids, we got in here for free. We had a nice time. Then we went out to dinner with some friends who have twins in the NICU. The RMDH gave us gift certificates so we had a fun time together and it was free! Hannah fell asleep rather quickly tonight and we looked at property for sale on Ebay. Nothing serious--just for fun.

Tomorrow is MSU vs. OSU. Since OSU is ranked #1, it would be great to beat them. We'll see what happens. The three of us will be proudly wearing our GREEN and WHITE.

Oh, yeah, about Jason's car. It was the mass airflow meter. Like I know what that means. It was about $300 and he was on his way. Not cheap but not super expensive. Hopefully his next trip down won't cost us any money!

About my Papa. He's home and doing well. He's having some other issues that will hopefully be resolved soon. They have company this weekend that they'll really enjoy.

Have a great evening!

2007-10-19T08:11:00.000-04:00

Our routine always gets a little off when Daddy joins us--blogging seems to get more difficult to do!

Isaac was off yesterday. His physical therapist came and tried to give him a massage and he just didn't want to have anything to do with it. Jason and I went up last night after dinner and Isaac de-sated the entire time we held him. After talking with his nurse last night, it sounds like he needs another eye surgery. I was surprised by this as I was under the impression his eyes were doing well. I was a little frustrated by this evening revelation and couldn't sleep. I think I wasn't notified of this yesterday because they don't need my consent--they need the adoption agency's consent. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but in Ohio the adoption agency has legal custody of the child until finalization. Because of this, the agency makes all his medical decisions. As the mom of a child in the hospital, this is absolutely maddening. Then throw in that he's also on our insurance and it's absolutely ridiculous. It's very frustrating when lawmakers pass laws in an effort to patch problems without looking forward to the ramifications of their actions. Three Voices, our non-profit, is going to tackle this issue in Ohio.

Yesterday we received some fantastic surprises! We got clothes for Isaac, cards, books and stickers for Hannah. What a true joy to receive the things you're sending us. I love to read about your lives. I love that you're sharing with me about who you are. I love seeing your family pictures. I was so excited to see I had mail yesterday, Maybe we'll have something today, too.

All right, well, Jason is dressing Hannah and he's already had a shower. Now it's my turn. I'll do my best to blog tonight...but it seems when Jason is here, I get it done in the morning. We'll just have to see!

Love.

2007-10-17T20:48:00.000-04:00

Isaac is the same. His eye doctor stopped in today to see how he was doing. I was already gone but he told the nurse Isaac's eyes looked good. He said it's too soon to know what kind of vision or lack thereof he will have.

Our flowers look beautiful in our room. Hannah wanted to smell them first thing this morning.

Jason is supposed to come down tomorrow but his car started doing some strange things and the check engine light came on (this is our good car). So, we'll see if he can get it in to the mechanic tomorrow just in case it's a big issue and he shouldn't drive it here. God is good all the time. And all the time, He is good.

I appreciate all the kind words of encouragement you've been sending our way. If I miss personally responding, I apologize. If a comment is made directly to the blog, I can't respond because blogger doesn't allow it. So! Thank you all, every single person, because you are really what's keeping me sane and that in turn keeps my family sane. I asked Jason what he needed and besides meals, he said whatever I needed to make me happy. What a great guy, huh? He's got a lot going on and work is never-ending. Hannah and I are very excited to see him (if he can still come).

I'm posting some pics of our newest home-away-from-home. And, of course, my sleeping (older) baby.

I bought a word-search book today so I think I'm going to go do some mindless thinking. I don't think that really makes sense, does it?!

Good Night.

2007-10-16T21:38:00.000-04:00

Since Isaac's blood transfusion, he looks SO MUCH better. All of his tests so far have come back negative, so they're still not sure what he has. He'll be on antibiotics for at least 7 days (until next Monday) and then we'll see where we are. He's been much more fussy, more often. I think it's because he's hungry. If I didn't eat for over a month, I'd be fussy, too! I keep joking with the nurses in his room that I'm going to sneak him a Snickers or something.

Hannah and I had a good day together--lots of laughing and talking and playing. There are two ladies, "Grandma" Carol and "Grandma" Betty in the activity room on Tuesdays that just adore Hannah. It's so nice to leave her with people who really care about her. She played "soccer" with two boys this evening and was sliding in the grass and running right with them. I definitely see an athlete brewing!! She also painted with her best friend, Mateo. Maribelle and I cannot keep the two of them apart. As soon as they wake up, they're asking for one another. They run and shout and chase and hug. It's absolutely adorable. And if Hannah cries because she wants something, he gets it for her. And if he's crying, she hugs him. I mean, it's unfathomable how much they understand how people relate to one another--and they don't talk to each other, really, because of the language barrier. We joke that they'll get married someday and Hannah will move to Ecuador. Who knows?!

Thank you so much for the extra outpouring of love and support. It really does lift my spirit. You have no idea how much it means to see new messages in my inbox or go to the front desk to see someone has sent flowers!! From the bottom of my heart, thank you for all you've done for us. Really.

BTW, the address at the RMDH is in the sidebar on the right side of the page under "How to Support Our Family." I'm not comfortable posting our home address online, so if you'd like to send something to Jason, please send it here (I promise I won't open it!).

I've got a few things to finish up before I go to bed so I need to get going.

Thank you all. Very much.

Happy 3 Months, Isaac

2007-10-15T19:43:00.000-04:00

Jason reminded me this morning that today is Isaac's three month birthday. My little buddy. I am heartbroken at times when I think about how his life is beginning...

Isaac did not have the biopsy today. He's too sick. During rounds his care team put in orders for a full work-up--all the tests needed to figure out what illness/disease he has now. He received platelets this afternoon and is currently undergoing a blood transfusion. They did a lumbar puncture for spinal fluid to see if he has Meningitis. All the while he still cannot eat. Meaning, he does not even have a feeding tube. He has had formula a total of about 4 weeks of his life.

Another morning of unmet expectations and tears. I think we just keep hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. We feel trapped in this dual life. There was mention yesterday that we could potentially be in Cleveland until February.

Have you ever listened to a song 100 times and on the 101 time you "got it?" I mean, like a light bulb went off and it finally made sense? I love the artist, Sara Groves. Her music just really gets to me. Anyway, there is this song on her album, Conversations, that I totally "got" on my last trip back to Ohio. I played it over and over and over again.

*************************************

Painting Pictures of Egypt
-- Sara Groves --

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

**************************************

Our family is no doubt in the desert. We may have a lot of water (and an abundance of pasta), but we're out here. It's very tangible. It's also for a reason. I think I'm going to focus some energy on Exodus and see if I can't learn a thing or two from my Israelite brothers and sisters.

Love to all of you.

Below we are asking for help. Read at your own risk!

Ok, so if you're still reading, thanks a ton. I've told you I'll be honest about our needs. I don't really like asking, but I need to. If you're reading along and don't comment on the blog--TOTALLY FINE. Would you mind dropping us a card in the mail? We haven't received anything in Ohio in about 6 weeks. Hannah loves notes and stickers and I love cards, too. Maybe a funny article from the newspaper, a coupon or a word search maybe a picture of your family or a pet. I don't know. But we don't have visitors and we don't get mail. And it would really help since now we're talking February?! Geesh. I might be celebrating my 30th birthday with Ronald McDonald.

Another need is meals for Jason. Specifically, Tuesdays and Thursdays after 6:15pm or leave it on the front porch. You don't have to call or make plans with us. You can just drop it off. Maybe you don't have time but you're a millionaire. You could send him a giftcard for dinner. Well, you know what I mean.

We are running on empty. These things would mean a great deal to us. We appreciate every email, blog comment, phone call and most importantly, prayer. All of you have been our support since July and we are so thankful. I wish we were going home soon, but it appears we'll be here until Hannah graduates from high school. Thanks for hanging in there with us.

2007-10-14T21:31:00.000-04:00

The day started out horrible but ended great.

Hannah and I had a disagreement at 7:30 this morning in the main hallway that brought her to a raging temper tantrum while everyone else was peacefully sleeping. I was embarassed and angry and she was screaming her head off. When we finally got to the hospital, we found both of the activity rooms closed--no show volunteers. I was supposed to Kangaroo with Isaac (hold him skin-to-skin) so I stared crying. We got down to the NICU and I was bawling. Since I can't take Hannah to see Isaac (other babies in the same room), I asked for his nurse to step out so I could tell her why I couldn't come back. She immediately came out along with the charge nurse and they took both Hannah and I back to see our little buddy buddy. It was SO nice to be with both the kids at once. Hannah was thrilled to see her brother and hold his little hand. Isaac's nurse took a picture of the three of us but it's a polariod so I can't show all of you. My eyes were all red from crying but the kids looked so sweet. Isaac's nurses are so helpful and kind. It meant a great deal to me that Hannah could see her baby brother. After a very short visit at the NICU, Hannah and I came back to the RMDH and she played with her best friend, Mateo. It was a beautiful day and the kids ran around outside, yelling and screaming. I was so glad for this because I'm always telling Hannah no running or yelling inside and that's all they want to do together!!! After a quick lunch and nap, Hannah and I headed to the mall. She played in the play area twice, we ate and I checked out a few stores. No angry mommy, no Hannah temper tantrums. It was wonderful. We came back to Cleveland and stopped at Rainbow Babies. The activity room was open so I finally got to Kangaroo with Isaac! He was a good boy and slept almost the entire hour. We did get some not so great news--his white blood cell and platelet counts are down--this is usually a precursor to an INFECTION. I will pray tonight that this does not happen. His biopsy is scheduled for the morning and we'll hopefully have an answer within a week. After loving on Isaac, Hannah and I went to the ever- famous McDonalds and then back to the RMDH to bed. A late night for us but the day ended on a high note with lots of tickling and giggles which is good for both of us.

I try to remind myself that God is good all the time. And all the time He is good. Even when I don't feel like God is good, He is. And always will be.

Blessings.

2007-10-12T21:43:00.000-04:00

Isaac's eye surgery went well. When the doctor was finished, he came out and said had they waited any longer, it may have been too late. Within the last week and then the last few days, his eyes had gotten considerably worse--almost unrepairable. The doctor will re-evaluate his eyes again in a week. I pray his eyes will be completely healed and that he will make a full recovery.

***************************

I know to some people, what we're doing doesn't make sense. It seems strange that we would knowingly adopt a child who may have significant disabilities. Who may die. Because that is still a very real possibility. Jason and I talk often, and talked again tonight, about whether we were both still in agreement that Isaac is our son. We both know without a shadow of a doubt, that he is ours. There is nothing that anyone can say or do that will change our minds. Because it's not really a mind decision it's a faith decision. As a couple, we have one main goal. That goal is to live a life that glorifies Christ. To us, that means listening to what the Holy Spirit speaks to our hearts and then following through. God very clearly spoke to us about each of our children--just like he speaks to us about our family and friends and neighbors--about where we can help and how to love. I do not know what our lives will look like in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months. But I know right now, we're doing exactly what God wants us to be doing. It isn't always easy and it isn't always difficult. It just is. And we both believe that God is using our circumstances to bring us nearer to Him and to share His love with others. If a Christian steps out in faith and believes that is what they're doing, there really isn't a choice to make. Because if you trust God, he's leading you. You're not choosing, your choice was to follow and He will direct your paths. Here's what I'm saying. We did not choose Isaac. Or Hannah. Or Moriah. We chose to trust God in the area of children and he placed them in our lives. And because He chose them for us, He placed in our hearts the love for them. We trust God's plan for Isaac's life and ours--whatever that means. No matter what.

Blessings to each of you.

2007-10-11T20:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I still haven't picked up my camera. Sorry, folks.

Isaac will have his eye procedure tomorrow at noon. He will have a biopsy on Monday at 1pm. Other than that, he's doing about the same.

Hannah and I and another mom and her son went to a nearby mall today for a couple of hours. The kids played in the play area and then we went to the food court for dinner. It's nice to just get away from the hospitals and the RMDH. I asked my "mom friend" who is from Ecuador, if she'd ever had a massage and she said no. I think I'm going to contact some local massage places and see if I buy one or two if they will give us a couple free ones. I'd like to treat my new friends to a massage. I know they would love it. She's so appreciative when I invite her to go places with me--the grocery store yesterday and the mall today. This evening, after we arrived back at the RMDH, she gave me a scarf from Ecuador and a clay nativity scene that her mother crafted. I thought that was so nice. So now we have a wooden nativity scene from Germany (from our exchange student, Maxi) and a clay nativity scene from Ecuador from my new friend. I just love it.

Jason is busy with work and things to do around the house this weekend. If Isaac has surgery next week, Jason will come down for the surgery.

I think I'm kind of in denial about "all of this" right now. I think tomorrow I will just go to the hospital for rounds and baby kisses and then take a couple hours for myself in the hospital cafeteria while Hannah is in the activity room. I think if I had a massage right now I would cry the entire hour. Just letting go of stress, expectations, thoughts of failure...a bunch of junk. I feel like I've had very few moments of clarity in the last few months and that's overwhelming to me. I just need to catch that third wind, like I mentioned a few days ago. I think once Isaac is eating again and there is hope for going home, I'll feel better.

Well, Hannah finally fell asleep (it's 8:53) and I'm going to take the monitor downstairs and watch CSI. I know, I know, Grey's Anatomy. I love that show, too, but I've been a CSI (Las Vegas) fan from season one. Plus, then it gives me something to talk to the nurses about in the morning. They'll give me the rundown about Meredith and McDreamy.

Maybe I'll remember to pick up the camera tomorrow?!

Untitled

2007-10-10T19:41:00.000-04:00

Isaac had his weekly eye exam this morning and we found out he needs eye surgery ASAP. If he does not receive this laser procedure, he will go blind. As of now, his surgery is scheduled for Friday at noon. While this is a fairly normal procedure for extreme preemies, it's scary nonetheless.

The doctor also believes Isaac has a disease that will require surgery within the next week. He has to undergo a biopsy (probably tomorrow) to confirm their suspicions. Once we have a definite diagnosis we will share with all of you.

Hannah and I had a rough day today. Some really great times and some really bad times.

This is all really frustrating and draining right now. I just want to be alone. I don't want to talk to anyone or be responsible for anyone. I just want to go away for awhile. This is all very selfish, I know. Well, honestly, that's how I feel right now.

Until tomorrow.

PS...I forgot the camera at the NICU again--I'll try to remember to pick it up tomorrow.

And Back Again

2007-10-10T01:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know how many more titles I can come up with to signify our trips back and forth between MI and OH!

Hannah and I just arrived back in Cleveland. As I've said before, it's easier to drive at night when Hannah will sleep than in the morning after she's just slept all night. She immediately went back to sleep as soon as I put her in her pack and play. Little sweetie.

We had a play date this morning with friends and then Papa was over this afternoon. I was able to run out and mail packages and pick up prescriptions before the four of us went out to dinner. Hannah and I said goodbye to Daddy and Papa and hit the road a little after 7pm. We had a stop off in East Lansing to drop off a little care package to a neighbor friend who is a freshman at MSU. It felt a little weird walking in the dorm with a toddler. It was nice to be on campus for a few minutes, though.

Jason will not be down this weekend as we are getting the air ducts cleaned out and the basement carpet cleaned on Saturday. But! Next weekend, Daddy AND Papa are coming down. Hannah was thrilled to learn that her Papa was coming to the RMDH. So, in about a week and a half, we'll have 2 visitors--how exciting!

Again, Isaac is the same. Some test results have come back--all negative. This is good, but we're all still wondering exactly what's going on. He still has a couple more tests and then we'll see. I hope to make it to rounds tomorrow to hear what his care team is thinking. Perhaps we'll never have an answer and he'll be on the road to health and healing. That would be fantastic! I can't wait to see my little buddy. I wanted to see him tonight, but, I have another little one that is sleeping and obviously can't be left alone.

My papa returned home this evening. He called and left a messsage saying he was calling from heaven. HA HA. I was happy to hear he was joking and called him back as soon as I heard he'd called. We chatted for a few minutes...I was glad to hear his voice. I was going to tell him to eat some of our favorite dessert for me (vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce and peanuts), but I don't think his cardiologist would appreciate that too much. I think he needs to stick to his fruits and vegis. Right Gram?!

All right, I better get to bed. Given the last two mornings, I expect Hannah to be awake between 5 and 6. I can't wait until she's like 15, and then I'll wake her up at 5 or 6 on a SATURDAY.

Blessings.

Screaming 2-year-old

2007-10-09T06:11:00.000-04:00

Up early again. Hannah just can't seem to sleep those last couple of hours without a major uproar. There is NO WAY she's ready to get up at 5 or 6...usually 6:45 and on I let her stay up, but not earlier. So, I'm typing to keep my mind off of the yelling and screaming. She almost falls asleep and then starts up again. Until the big girl bed, she'd always been a pretty good sleeper. Now she can get out, etc. And the stress of OH/MI is a lot for her. She's quiet now. Maybe asleep?!

Hannah and I ran a few errands yesterday and had lunch at one of our favorite restaurants--Rose's (on Reed's Lake in East Grand Rapids). Our neighbor is a server there and we always request to sit in her section. It's nice.

Papa (Jason's dad) is coming for a visit this afternoon. Hannah adores her Papa and is excited to see him and play with him. Then the four of us will have dinner together. I'm not sure if Hannah and I will head out tonight or tomorrow. I'll probably decide later today.

I just blew my nose and she heard me. I guess she's not asleep. Yelling again.

We had a nice dinner last night--pork roast, asparagus and brown rice. We sat at the table (like we used to do) and talked about our day. It was great.

Isaac is the same. His antibiotics finished in the middle of the night. So, now we're waiting for some test results in the next two days and then (hopefully) they'll start feeding him again Thursday or Friday and prayerfully he will not get NEC or any other illness that will set him back again.

She's calming down again. The cat is desperate for me to hold him. He's all rubbing on the computer. Crazy cat. I'm surprised the dog isn't whining to get out of her kennel. All right, well, I need to blow my nose again. Love to all!

Change of Plans

2007-10-08T06:17:00.001-04:00

Well, yesterday (Sunday) was a stressful day for me at the NICU so I decided to come home--we all left Cleveland around 1:30pm. I'll be headed back Tuesday night or Wednesday morning as we can only be away from the RMDH for 2 days or we lose our room. I would've stayed home longer, but...we'll do what we have to.

Isaac is up on his oxygen today which is not good. They'll begin testing today to find out what the underlying causes are of his NEC. I'll be calling the NICU again around 11:30, after rounds, to find out what the rest of his day is going to look like.

I accidentally left my camera at the NICU so no pics until I return. And I was going to get some fall pics of Hannah, here. Argh.

It's really nice to be home. We went for a walk around the block last night and after we put Hannah to bed I ran out to Meijer to get some basic items. I loved being at my grocery store again. I just kept walking around wishing I needed more so I could continue shopping. Jason nor I slept well last night. It was sooo hot and I think I was anticipating Hannah waking up which she did at 5:15. I did get her back to bed and asleep but since Jason was up for work, I decided to just get up.

We'll be low key for a few days and then head back to Cleveland. I told Isaac's nurse yesterday I need a third wind. I'm starting to drag and have a hard time with all of this. I want to be done down there. I want to bring him home. I want him to be better.

My Papa went back to the hospital on Saturday. He has an infection and they are doing some other tests, as well. Pray for strength for him and Gram.

Thanks so much for hanging in there with us. I don't know what I'm going to do when we do finally come home...I don't want to lose our Internet family! You all have really been fantastic.

Blessings.

Doughnuts!

2007-10-06T07:57:00.000-04:00

Jason and Hannah left around 7 this morning to run out and get doughnuts for the house. We don't have breakfast provided very often (which is totally fine) so we thought everyone would like some good ol' fashioned doughnuts for breakfast!

Jason and I watched Kid Rock on Larry King Live last night. He really seemed like a nice guy. Sounds like he takes his single-parenthood very seriously--I like that. He is a bit of a womanizer, which I don't like, but other than that, I think I gained a new respect for the guy.

Yesterday was a VERY exciting day for Hannah. While she was in the activity room, a pony came to visit. A real pony. And it didn't even have a poop bag! So we have a Polaroid pic of Hannah petting a pony. Adorable. And then, when I arrived to pick her up, the volunteer informed me that BARNEY was coming to the hospital. Hannah isn't a huge fan, but she was excited to see him. She barely ate any of her lunch and then I had an idea. One of the little boys from Ecuador, Mateo, absolutely LOVES Barney. I quickly called the RMDH and tracked down Mateo's mom and told her how to get the bus and get to the hospital quickly! The kids were so excited. And Mateo's mom said it was the best gift he could've ever received. I was glad they were so happy.

Jason arrived mid-afternoon to tell me he'd gotten a flat tire about 60 miles back. We knew his car needed new tires but hadn't gotten around to it. So, we spent about 2 hours at the tire place yesterday evening getting all of Jason's tires replaced.

Isaac is the same. They believe Isaac may have some kind of underlying illness/disease that is causing him to get the NEC multiple times. They are running a series of tests to see what they can find. Some of their ideas are pretty serious, others are not. We are confident that God is in control of Isaac's life and ours. Whatever they find, God will keep us all in His hands.

My Papa came home yesterday. He does have some serious heart issues but he and my Gram love the Lord and trust in Him.

Have a great Saturday!

Yesterday and Today

2007-10-04T20:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I forgot to report that Hannah and I went to the Cleveland Children's Museum. We received some free passes while we were there so I think Daddy will be taking Hannah again this weekend. It was a bit of an off day for both Hannah and I yesterday--we weren't there long. It was fun, though.

Isaac is the same. I met his physical therapist today and she showed me how to massage him. It's actually pretty involved. So, I bought him some gel oil today at Target and might try it tomorrow. He will meet with his physical therapist more and more as he continues to grow. We'll also have a physical therapist and occupational therapist once we go home. This extreme preemie stuff is pretty involved. I had no idea back in July when I made that initial phone call. Little buddy. He's turned our world upside down and I'm so glad he did.

Jason will be here late tomorrow afternoon. Hannah and I are very excited.

My Papa is still in the hospital. Some other complications have come up so we'll see how he's doing tomorrow.

Hannah and I ventured out to a different Target today. Target is like an excursion for us. She always gets her smoothie and I usually pick out a few things from the dollar section. Today, I found a pair of pumpkin socks for Isaac for Halloween. He's needing clothes, now, but I can't find preemie stuff anywhere! And he's still way too small for anything else. I'll keep looking.

Thank you for praying for my family and friends. What a joy to have a virtual community to support us. Really, I lean on all of you for love and support. Being here alone can get very lonely and I always look forward to hearing from those of you who comment.

Isaac is a Rainbow Baby!

2007-10-03T20:26:00.000-04:00

I had this DONE, and I lost it. I hit the delete button on accident. Argh. It was a long one, too.

Ok, well. Hmmm.

Please pray for:

--Isaac. That he can come off his oxygen completely.

--Papa. That his heart and health would be restored (we received word today that his heart condition is much worse than anticipated). That God would give he and my Gram strength and peace (and the rest of our family).

--My NICU mom friend. That she would lean on God for her strength as she received sad news about one of her twins today.

--My friend, Shelly. That God would strengthen her and give her peace of mind. That he would provide more opportunities for rest for her.

Short and Sweet

2007-10-02T20:06:00.001-04:00

Isaac, that is. He smiled a bit more for me today but didn't really wake up. I'm still hoping he's just catching up on some much needed rest rather than getting sick again. He'll be finished with his antibiotics next Tuesday, then they'll do some testing and if he's up for it, they'll slowly begin feeds again. So, just waiting it out. He is in a big boy crib again, as of this morning. Hopefully, that's where he'll stay!

Hannah had a good day in the activity room with Carol and Betty--very nice ladies. I always feel good leaving her with them. I can count on the activity room for Tuesdays. Thank goodness! I posted a sign in the College of Nursing today for a sitter. We'll see what happens. I called one other church today--I have 4 churches looking for ladies in their congregation to help us. It's important to me to find people who can come here--to the Ronald McDonald House. This is why I'm looking for people in the immediate area. I trust that God will send the ladies I need exactly when I need them (it would not be like Him to send them any earlier, would it?!).

My dear Papa will be headed to the hospital tomorrow for an angioplasty. Please pray the procedure goes well, opens up the blockage and he recovers quickly. I love and adore my Gram and Papa to the ends of the earth. Thankfully, my mom will be with Gram while Papa is undergoing his procedure. They are the dearest people in the whole world to me. But you know that, don't you Gram?! :-) My love to you and Papa. Forever and always.

Good night!

October 1, 2007

2007-10-01T19:36:00.000-04:00

Well, it's officially October. Can you believe it? It's my favorite time of year. In my heaven, it would be fall all the time.

Jason went home today. He arrived this evening. Of course, I miss him already. I'm thinking about making another trip home. Since we'll most likely be here until December, I'd like to get some rest at home for a little while again. We'll see.

One of the other NICU moms stayed with Hannah for 2 hours this evening so I could see Isaac. He didn't wake up for me tonight. Little stinker.

I called 8 local churches today looking for some "Grandmas" who'd like to come help take care of Hannah a few hours a day for me. 3 of the churches said they'd see if they could find someone. Hopefully I'll hear back soon.

I'm a little run down tonight so I'm going to sign off. Thank you for your prayers and support. Always needed and appreciated.

Blessings.

Untitled

2007-09-30T20:26:00.000-04:00

Another routine day for the Evans Family. Well, routine as in living in the Ronald McDonald House with a baby in the hospital. It's strange how life changes, isn't it?! This is our new normal. We really do have a lot of laughs about all of this. I think I'd go crazy if we didn't.

Someone provided a great buffet for dinner tonight: goulash (which I did not eat), sauerkraut and sausage, cheesy potatoes, chicken strips, green bean casserole, salad and tons of desserts. Of course, Hannah wanted the cupcakes, but I managed to get her to eat some dinner, first.

Bath time tonight. Isn't she the sweetest thing you've ever seen?! She lights up my life, for sure.

We had to get a few things for Isaac today. Once he's finished with this NEC infection, he'll be ready for some clothes so I got him some tshirts and socks. I haven't bought him anything but an MSU outfit for basketball season so it was fun for me to buy my little boy some clothes. We also got a few groceries for the week: yogurt, apples, creamer for my coffee, ice cream sandwiches...you know, the staples!

Isaac had a good day. He's still on his cannula for breathing, but it's slowly being turned down--that's the easiest way to explain it. I held him this morning and was going to go back tonight but bath time was running late and I wanted to stay with Jason and spend some time with him. We'll be back in the morning to visit with Isaac before Jason heads back to MI.

Hannah is singing in her pack and play and Jason and I are sitting here in the dark waiting for her to fall asleep so we can turn the lights on. It's all very silly, but whatever works, right?

I'll get some more pics of Isaac tomorrow. Much love!

Saturday's Activities

2007-09-29T21:29:00.000-04:00

Well, our day was pretty routine. Hannah did sleep in until almost 7 so that was nice. Jason took her down to breakfast while I stayed in bed for a few extra minutes. I do appreciate the little things!

We visited Isaac this morning and then I went again myself this evening. Jason held him this morning and I got to hold him tonight, too. One of the nurses said she held him today, too. He's had a lot of lovin' today! He's doing about the same and smiling more and more.

Jason watched MSU vs. WI today and sadly, we lost.

We just ordered Chinese takeout and will start a movie in the next few minutes.

Love to all!

Thank Goodness it's Friday!

2007-09-28T20:38:00.000-04:00

Hannah had another early morning--6:30. sleep has been a constant struggle for her yet she still manages to have pretty good days. I think when this is all over, she's going to sleep for like 2 weeks straight.

We visited Isaac this morning. Since the activity room doesn't open until 10am, I stayed with Hannah while Jason got to sit in on rounds with Isaac's care team. It's interesting to hear them strategizing about his care. Once I dropped Hannah off, I joined Jason in time for our supervision meeting with our Ohio adoption agency social worker. When adopting, every family must be supervised for a set period of time. In our case, 6 months, and it started on August 31st(our date of temporary placement). Isaac's adoption will be finalized after this supervision period. Therefore, his finalization hearing should happen sometime in March.

Isaac is about the same. He'll be on his antibiotics for his NEC for about 14 days and then the'll do a work-up on him to ensure the NEC is gone and try to slowly begin feeding him again. So, it's a waiting game for the next 2 weeks. Everyday we get to see him and hold him and kiss him is a blessing. I just adore seeing him smile. I can't get enough! I told the nurse yesterday I just with I could lay on a bed with him and hold him close and kiss his little face.

Jason is officially laid off on Monday due to Michigan's budget crisis. He'll likely return to work Tuesday. This is sooo ridiculous. We'll take the family time, though!

Love to all and to all a good night!

Thursday's News

2007-09-27T20:34:00.000-04:00

The RMDH received free tickets to the Cleveland Zoo so Jason, Hannah and I headed out for a fun, family day. Jason and I agree that the Cleveland Zoo is the best zoo we've been to. They had a lot of great animals, nice surroundings a train ride. Hannah had a great time. We even had meal tickets for a free McDonald's lunch. Can you say nuggets and fries?! Hannah was in heaven.

Isaac was extubated and put back on his cannula. That's good news. Jason held him for just a little bit. The activity room was not open very long this afternoon so we couldn't stay long. According to his nurse, Isaac slept most of the day. This could be a good thing or a bad thing, I'm hoping he's just sleeping off his illness.

Jason brought down the monitor so we're downstairs in the sun room watching Survivor and then Grey's Anatomy or CSI...we haven't agreed, yet.

We had Spaghetti for dinner last night and tonight at the RMDH and Lasagna is scheduled for tomorrow so I think Jason is taking us out for Friday night dinner. I'm excited!

Thank goodness it's almost Friday!

Waiting it Out

2007-09-27T07:13:00.000-04:00

Jason arrived around 11pm on Tuesday night. One of the other NICU moms who is staying at the RMDH stayed with Hannah while Jason and I ran up to see him for an hour. Jason hadn't seen Isaac in almost a month and I think it was good and difficult for him at the same time.

Yesterday we did our normal routine except Jason was with us and that was really nice. There were a few times Jason was playing with Hannah or changing her diaper that I realized how relieved I was that he was here with us. And not just to do things, but to just be a family, together.

Last night, Jason put Hannah to bed and did some work while I went up to the hospital. It was nice to go alone and it was nice to sit and hold Isaac and chat with the nurses. I felt like I didn't have any responsibilities and that was heavenly.

Isaac is about the same. Really, no changes. He has had a surgery consult everyday and so far, no surgery is necessary. We're waiting for this morning's x-rays to come back. BTW, the x-rays are of his gut--they're looking to see if there is air in between his intestines and to see if there are any perforations in his intestines. These are signs of surgery. He had a bit of a breathing episode last night but the nurse said it was probably a result of some other things going on, not because he was just having breathing problems. Every day is critical. I am thankful for every day we have Isaac. Many, many parents in our situation do not have this long.

Done with breakfast, off to get dressed!

Every Mountain Top has its Valley

2007-09-25T13:58:00.000-04:00

This morning, when Jason and I called in to check on Isaac before 7am, he was doing great. By 12:30 this afternoon he was diagnosed with NEC again, is off all feedings, has been re-intubated (is back on the ventilator) and is back in a bed with a warmer (no more big boy crib). We are waiting for his next x-ray and a surgery consult to see what' next. This illess is SERIOUS BUSINESS. There is very little known about it. Isaac is actually part of a study to learn more about the illness.

He had reached full feeds last night for the first time, ever (deep sigh).

Please pray for complete healing and that no surgery would be necessary.

Jason is trying to get his work cleared up so he can come down here ASAP.

Please keep praying for us. Please. Thank you for the comment about remembering the light during the darkness. I needed that.

I'll keep you posted.

34 Weeks and 1 Day

2007-09-24T20:12:00.000-04:00

We never thought Isaac would actually begin bottle feeding "on time"--34 weeks--but he did! He was one day late but that doesn't count in Mommy's mind! When I arrived this morning, his nurse told me the occupational therapist had been in and fed him 3ml of formula by bottle. I was soooo excited. Keep in mind this is less than one teaspoon, but, it is something, folks! And then, tonight when I went in to see him for just an hour, he got a big boy bed (a crib). We're hoping he can continue to hold his own temperature so he can stay in it. These are two HUGE advances that bring him closer to coming home. I am so proud of my little buddy. It is difficult to be too hopeful as many things can still happen, but tonight I am pleased with his progress.

Hannah and some of the other kids at the RMDH were photographed today for marketing purposes. The guy told us he would give each of us a CD of the photos. I think there will be some pretty good pics--I'll share some when I get them.

Jason is supposed to come this weekend and I am SOOOO excited. He hasn't been to the RMDH, yet, and won't have seen Isaac in almost a month. I can't wait for him to see his bigger little boy. Michigan's economy is in the toilet and the government can't seem to balance the budget--stupid politics. Jason is in the direct line of fire and may face a job loss. This has been in the making for quite some time and we don't have an answer yet, but, that's fine. I know God is in control and I think it would be a great opportunity for Jason to have some new choices. We'll see. At the very least, he has some unpaid time off coming due to budget problems. Let's see, baby in the NICU that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars, job on the line, bills to pay...let go and let God....isn't that what I've been saying to myself all along?! I'm excited to see what God has up His sleeve.

On a very sad note, one of the little boys (I think he was 4) who was was staying here passed away on Sunday. It is a reality to check to me that not all of our kids survive. Just last week Hannah was playing with him. My heart and prayers go out to his mom and family. Please petition God on his moms behalf that He would cover her with peace in this time of mourning.

Hug and kiss your family tonight and tell them you love them.

Leaving home...

2007-09-23T19:59:00.001-04:00

...is never easy. I think it gets more and more difficult. Hannah and I left for Cleveland today around 11am. It takes about 4 1/2 hours to get to the Ronald McDonald House. No dinner tonight so Hannah and I had some cereal. We went to the hospital but the volunteers did not show up so I couldn't leave her at the activity room. I was able to leave her with the NICU receptionist for about 2 minutes so I could see Isaac's sweet little face. I wanted to cry. It's so hard to leave him there. It's so hard to choose which child I'm going to leave behind for the other. All of this causes me a lot of stress.

She fell asleep almost immediately tonight. This is the first time since we've started staying here that she's gone to bed so quickly.

Jason is planning on coming Thursday night and leaving Sunday. Can Oprah just pay our bills at home for a few months so Jason can be here?! Just a thought.

I'm going to read. Relax a bit. Love to all. Thank you for your prayers and support. We appreciate each and every one of you.

Dinner for 50 and more...

2007-09-21T20:33:00.000-04:00

We got a call today from the adoption agency in Ohio that Isaac will be losing his Medicaid in about a week. This is very bad. We are in the process of adding him to our insurance but he will be out of network in Ohio. There is a huge possibility we are going to start to incur medical expenses we thought would be covered by Medicaid. We're going to start the process of applying for Medicaid in Ohio and also in Michigan (so he has it here when he comes home). There are a lot of kinks to work out and a ton of red tape that I really don't have the time or energy for while caring for two children. Not to mention the fact that our cell phone bills have been outrageous since this all began and this new problem will only add to that cost. Please pray that this insurance problem will work out and that we will not incur his medical expenses. We've been told that a micro-preemie will incur their lifetime limit in medical expenses in about 3 months. Then what? I have no idea. There is another family at the Ronald McDonald House dealing with the same problem.

Yes! Our dinner on Wednesday night. I completely forgot. Thank you for reminding me. It was wonderful. I think people liked it because it was different. No pasta, no chicken. I made a Sausage Gumbo with rice and a Michigan Cherry Salad. It was a challenge to prepare for so many people...some of the other ladies of the house helped out...it was a fun time. Several families are from Central and South America and have been here for months and no one has ever made rice. They were pleased to have a staple from their diet presented that evening. I think it's interesting how we (myself included) offer to make someone a meal and we oftentimes make the easiest, cheapest recipe we can find. Don't get me wrong, anytime we help someone in need it's a good thing. But I know I sometimes choose the easiest route. Wouldn't it be great if we volunteered to make someone a meal and we brought them over a nice steak and some homemade mashed potatoes with fresh green beans? Something that we had to make an extra trip to the grocery store for. Another hit were the Oreos, Chips Ahoy and Pecan Sandies. I usually buy the cheap brands but decided to buy the "real thing." The Oreos were gone before anything else. It felt good to make others happy. It was a lot of work but sooo worth it. We've all become a kind of family away from family. Sharing our stories and prayer requests. One little boy has been seen by top-notch doctors in three other countries and is here for one last hope at surgery. If he cannot be treated, he will die in the next 1-2 years. He's 3 years old and he has a little brother who is 1 who is still in Ecuador and has not seen his mom in 4 months. She is not allowed to bring her 1 year old to America because the government fears she is just trying to move her family here. Most people have very sad stories. It was an honor to serve them dinner. Truly.

We're in Mackinaw City and waiting in our room for Hannah to fall asleep. I think we're going to go play cards with the fam in a little while. We had a nice dinner together but it was noticeable that Nancy was not there. It's very strange that one minute a person is here and one minute they're gone. There really are no second chances. I miss talking to Nancy about baking questions and gardening. I miss calling and telling her Hannah's latest news. If she were alive, I know she would be playing in integral role in helping us with our current situation. She always put us, first. She was very proud of all of us and what we'd accomplished. There is a whole in all of our hearts because Nancy is gone.

Isaac is doing well and is advancing on his feedings--he's up to 21ml. Keep praying because God is answering!

Enjoy your Saturday evening.

Packing Up

2007-09-21T08:56:00.000-04:00

Jason is working a 1/2 day while Hannah and I pack our things/do laundry to prepare for our trip North. In a little while, we're going to run to Target for diaps and snacks. A good friend and I went out to dinner last night while Daddy and Hannah had their first Daddy/Daughter Date. All had a great time.

I talked with Isaac's nurse this morning. He is tolerating his feedings again (AMEN!) and is also advancing--he's at 19ml. He's still having some water retention issues that I asked they talk with the doctor about today. He had another blood transfusion yesterday. It went well. I guess he likes to lay on his tummy and bury his face in his blankets. Little buddy. They don't want him to get too used to this as he obviously cannot sleep like this at home.

We're having some temper tantrums right now so I gotta go.

Quick Weekend

2007-09-20T12:22:00.000-04:00

Hannah and I drove home to Grand Rapids last night and arrived around midnight. This morning, we went to Meijer Gardens with a couple friends and that was fun for both of us. Hannah is taking a nap and I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed with life. I just want to call the hospital and here them say, "He's perfectly healthy and ready to come home." I keep joking I'm going to take him out for a stroller ride. I'm grateful for trials and times of learning and growing, but sometimes I wish I could decide when I'm ready for it, ya know? Or, if there was a pause button on life and I could take a few days off. I know everyone feels that way, not just me.

Isaac is having another blood transfusion today. Argh. He's still at 15ml of formula via a feeding tube. He'll be 34 weeks on Sunday. I keep telling him he has to eat all his food so he can get bigger and come home. He had his third eye exam yesterday and it sounds as if some problems are now starting to show up. He will likely be a candidate for eye surgery at a later point.

We're headed to Mackinaw City tomorrow.

Love to all.

Stuck

2007-09-18T20:18:00.000-04:00

Isaac seems to be stuck at 15ml. When it's feeding time, they have to check and see how much is left in his stomach. There's not supposed to be anything left and he's got up to half still sitting in there. This is the biggest thing holding him back right now. There are other imbalances, issues, etc. but most will be cleared up (or should be) when his body is tolerating the amount of food he should be getting. Full feedings for him are around 34ml. Please pray that his body would tolerate full feedings without further complications.

Hannah and I had an all right day. Some are more difficult than others and today was kind of junky. She really misses her daddy. She's even started telling me she misses him. And, I think we get tired of each other. In the evenings, she's been playing with some little boys who are staying here--that's helping a bit. 2 boys are from Ecuador and 1 is from Peru. I've had the opportunity to brush up on my Spanish (2 years in high school--a long time ago). Their moms are a lot of fun and we do our best to understand one another. One boys name is Cateo (Carlos Mateo) and Hannah calls him Catato (I think she thinks it's potato) it's really cute.

Gram, you were right in your comment about yesterday's pic about Isaac's smile. He's smiling quite a bit and I've been trying to get pics. I succeeded today! I know it's not intentional, but cute nonetheless. I think he has 2 dimples, too...just like his big sister and Mommy.

I'm making dinner for the house tomorrow (50 people). I have a recipe for Sausage Gumbo that I love--I hope it goes over well. I'm also making a Michigan Cherry Salad--I thought I'd prepare a taste of home to share with everyone. It all turned out to be much more expensive than I thought it would be, but I'm looking forward to chopping some serious vegis and preparing the meal. I actually miss some of my household chores. Please, remind me I said that about 2 weeks after Isaac comes home.

Hannah is lying in her pack and play singing Happy Birthday to her dollies and bears. Sometimes it's sooo cute and sometimes I just want her to go to sleep. She's a little sweety. I love my kids a whole lot. Oh, I almost forgot. I rocked Isaac for the first time today (just because the other hospital didn't have rockers and one was available today) and he loved it. He slept so well while I held him. It was nice.

See you later!

Day 57

2007-09-17T20:13:00.000-04:00

57 days ago, we learned God had chosen us to be Isaac's family, and he, ours. It feels like yesterday and it feels like forever ago. When it's just Hannah and I, I sometimes forget about what's really going on--why we're really here. I don't know if that's a kind of survival mechanism or just me being a little wacko, but I forget or don't think about it and then it hits me--we have a baby! A son! And then I see him, and touch him and my world stops. All I see and know is this little boy. I want to hold him and cuddle him and snuggle him and look into his eyes and tell him that I love him--no matter what. No matter what. In those quiet moments I sometimes want to cry. I want to be sad at all the things I've missed and will miss the first months of his life. I want to be sad at all he's had to go through. I've never had more than a sliver. Never a broken bone or serious illness. And this little child, that's mine, had been fighting for his life since his first breath.

I believe God wants to use every situation I encounter to mold me, to change me...to make me more like Him. I think I screw that up sometimes. I have an agenda that I'm going to push through and that's that. So maybe next time, God uses a situation a little bigger, a little harder, to open my eyes. And maybe I see His ways, and maybe I don't. And I think it keeps going. I don't think God ever gives up. Not ever. He keeps presenting situations until I stop pushing my agenda. And I realize His. I think this is an ongoing process until I die. I will never be perfect but I should always be striving to look more like Christ. And act more like Christ and be more like Christ. And so I say, Heavenly Father, I give up. I'm giving up. I want to stop pushing my agenda, whatever that is because I don't even know what it is, and I just want to be where you want me to be. Doing what you want me to do. I really am tired. Tired of being angry. Tired of being mean. Tired of fighting. I want to be who you created me to be. I want to be happy. Not all the time, but most of the time. Whatever you need to do to make me who you created me to be, I want you to do it. I don't care how hard it is I don't care that it's going to hurt I don't care that it's humbling--just do it. I don't want regrets. I want to live the life you intended for me and my attitude is not right to be working for you. I want clarity--your clarity and I'm declaring it right now. I deserve the life you created for me and I'm not settling for anything less. So, bring it on. Let's get through this. I mean it this time.

Housekeeping and a Little Settling In (again)

2007-09-16T21:19:00.000-04:00

I love Vanilla Coke and since I can't seem to find it in GR but saw it at the local grocery store, I treated myself and bought some. So, I am sitting on my bed, in the dark, watching Notting Hill (they have movies we can borrow, here), having just finished some Clam Chowder. Now that you know exactly what I'm doing, we can move on!

Tonight's Housekeeping Items:

--Jason said to re-post this because he didn't catch it--I registered at Target. We're under "Tiffany Evans" in the state of "Michigan" with a due date of "November 4". You can see our registry online or at a store kiosk.

--Isaac is currently in a room with 2 other babies--that's why Hannah is not allowed in with me. There are only a handful of NICU's across the country (from my understanding) that have single bed rooms. Aultman's NICU was remodeled only a year ago--that's why their facilities are top notch. Most NICU's have several (3-10 or so) babies in each room. Rainbow (where he is, now) has a couple single bed rooms for isolation purposes and had put Isaac in there the first few days he was here for our convenience because of Hannah. I assume they must have needed the single room and that's why he was moved. Rainbow is actually under a remodel right now and is supposed to open their single bed NICU sometime next year.

--Isaac is still recovering from the NEC (intestinal infection) but is doing well. His platelets continue to be in a lower range but it could be from the UTI he tested positive for today. He started on some antibiotics and hopefully it will clear up in the next week or so. He's up to 15ml of formula--back to where he was at when the NEC began. You can see in the pics he's still pretty swollen--he continues to receive diuretics for this.

--As far as childcare for Hannah goes, when the Activity Room (place for kid patients they're allowing Hannah to utilize) is open and staffed, I think that will work as long as the volunteers remember she's only 2 and needs someone to keep her active. She went yesterday and it worked great. It was only for an hour or so so we'll see how it goes. This avenue will likely only work short term until something more permanent comes into play. As Isaac gets older, we will play a larger role in caring for him, meaning, we'll have to be more available. At this point, with nothing else panning out, we're planning on enrolling her in KinderCare next week.

--Our address here:
Ronald McDonald House
ATTN: Tiffany Evans--Room 209
10415 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, OH 44106

--Speaking of addresses...in most cases, if a patient is transferred for specialized care, they are usually transferred back to their original hospital once they have recovered and are stable. In fact, we thought we would be returning to Canton and Aultman. However, when we spoke with Isaac's doctor, here, he said he saw no reason to transfer him back. So, Cleveland, we're here to stay! It is now that I say thank you to everyone in Canton for your love and support for Isaac and our family. I honestly was sad to learn we wouldn't be back. I was planning on leaving the hospital for the first time with Isaac from our Aultman NICU. I returned to Canton a few days ago to pick up all our things we had left at our home away from home. We will be back in Canton in March, for Isaac's finalization hearing and plan to stay at the McKinley Grand and stop in for a visit with the family we've been staying with and maybe a visit to the NICU. Thank you very much C&S T (we love you forever!), Aultman Hospital and the staff in the NICU (thank you for taking such great care of our Isaac), The McKinley Grand and staff (can't wait to see you again), The Repository, RiverTree Christian Church (for your hospitality and for raising money for us) and to every single person who has been following our story and praying for us. We appreciate you all. Canton will always hold a very special place in our hearts.

Wow! That was a lot!

So, we're settling in again. I finally unpacked our suitcases and put our pictures on the dresser. It's beginning to feel like home. We're beginning to develop a bit of a routine. Every time we move somewhere else, we have to tweak our schedule. Hannah is a trooper and a true joy. Sometimes I get tired of being with her and only her with really no other conversations. But she really is a joy. She makes me laugh and do silly things. She keeps me busy and on my toes. I love her laugh and her smile. After I'm away from her for only an hour, I can't wait to see her again. She's having some sleeping problems and that's difficult, but I figure her stress is going to show up somewhere.

Jason is in the Upper Peninsula tonight for work. He'll return home tomorrow. Hannah and I will head for home on Thursday and then the three of us will head to Mackinaw City on Friday to spend the weekend with Jason's family as we remember his mom (in case you didn't catch it in an earlier post, Jason's mom passed away very suddenly in June). It will be a sad time, but spending time together as a family is what Nancy would've loved and I know we're all looking forward to spending time with each other. I know Hannah and I are looking forward to seeing everyone. Hannah can't wait to see her Papa!

You must be tired of reading by now. I've missed most of the movie, although I vaguely remember some scenes, now, so I guess I've seen it before.

I hope you enjoy our pics.

Love to all!

Yikes!

2007-09-15T09:38:00.000-04:00

As of last night, Isaac has been moved to a room with other babies so Hannah can no longer come up to see him. This means, I cannot go, either. Someone sent me the contact information for Young Life in Cleveland (great idea!) and I called and left a message. If you have any ideas, please let me know. I do not want to put Hannah in danger by allowing just anyone to take care of her, however, I cannot see Isaac if I have no one to help take care of her. The hospital has an activity room for patients to play in and I took her there earlier this week, but the volunteer brought her to me after only 15 minutes or so saying she was asking for me....I'm going to keep trying this avenue, but I'm not sure the volunteers are prepared to handle an active 2 year old...

For some reason...

2007-09-14T14:24:00.000-04:00

...everyone seems to think our little girl is a little boy! Listen, folks, I got tired of pink! Hannah still has some pink and purple, but I enjoy dressing her in all kinds of colors. Today she has on a light green shirt,jeans and pink and green shoes and someone thought she was a boy. Argh!

We are desperate for child care for Hannah. I took her up to the hospital today and she lasted about 15 minutes. She's just too young and full of energy to be there--I totally understand that! Unfortunately, the only for sure thing I can find is KinderCare, which is great, but for 4 mornings a week it's $160. Ouch. I've tried every avenue I can find (not much). If something doesn't pan out by Monday, we're going with KinderCare.

Isaac is stable. His biggest problem is his low platelet count. There is still a chance he has a bit of infection, which would explain the problem. If not, it's most likely something much more complicated and will take quite a while to diagnose. He seems to be taking his feedings well--about a teaspoon every 3 hours. I held him for a short time today and he was fussy! Hannah kept saying, "It's ok, Isaac, it's ok." What a little sweetie.

It's Friday, and we're usually looking forward to Jason arriving. Hannah and I will probably do laundry later today and play outside. She's napping, now, so I better get some more things done!

Later!