Papa's Little Peanut (better known as Tiffany Evans)

My Papa.


My Gram.



Disclaimer: This post is not intended to discredit my parents or Jim as grandparents. Simply my thoughts and feelings about my grandparents and how much I miss Nancy and who she was and would've been.

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When Nancy (Jason's mom) died, I was devastated. Overwhelmingly, because of the loss of a Grandma for my children. Retired and living an hour away, Grandma and Papa (as Hannah called them) visited every couple of weeks. Grandma would smother Hannah with kisses and hugs while Papa would immediately get down on the floor for whatever activity Hannah was desiring to play. Grandma would oversee playtime while Papa made a fool of himself, laughing at every turn. I remember Jim asking (too early on!) if Hannah could have chocolate. Silly Papa.

That's what grandparents do. They love. With wild abandon. To no end.

When Nancy died, every memory I had with my Gram and Papa sifted through my mind. And heart.

Going for walks in their neighborhood in the evening, eating ice cream with chocolate sauce and peanuts while lying between them in their bed watching TV, playing dress up in Gram's high heels, playing with my mom's Barbies on their living room floor, going to work with Gram when she owned a Christian book store, going to work with Gram when she worked for Papa...the smell of their house...the cookies in the same drawer, everytime I came over...the placement of the furniture, the feel of the carpet. Every nook and cranny of where they lived and who they were and now are, etched into my memory.

Everything about them makes my heart swell.

It saddens me very deeply when I think about all the memories I have, that my children will not. It was my little eutopia, impressing my experiences and memories of a Gram and Papa onto my children. That special love and laughter that as a parent, I cannot emulate. That hidden door in their hearts that only opens for a Gram and Papa. I cannot imagine my life without my grandparents. Even more so, I cannot imagine that for my children.

My grandparents mean more than the world to me. And I think about this often...something I even shared with Gram a few weeks ago. When they die, those days will be among the saddest in my life. But I rest in knowing I will see each of them again, for eternity. I will only be away from them for a few, short years before I am reunited with them forever in heaven. I look forward to meeting Jesus, but I'll also REALLY look forward to being in the arms of my grandparents again.

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I don't like getting forwards. Impersonal. Usually unimportant. I don't even read them. Well, that's not true. I read some of them. The ones from Gram. Because if it's important enough to her, it's important enough to me. And that's the love we share. Period. That's it. Praise the Lord!

My dad and Hannah. The UofM visual implies NO endorsement of any kind. We bleed green and white. My dad on the other hand...at least it's basketball season and our football coach is on the up and up...ha ha...


My mom and Isaac.


Gram and the kiddos. Look at those silly faces!


Papa and Isaac.


The tent we made and slept in. Ever sleep on concrete? Feels good.



Honestly, it's becoming more and more difficult to find time/desire to blog, here. For a few reasons:

--Life is busy! Every parent can understand that, right?! Early in the morning I check everyone else's blogs and after the kids are in bed, I'm a zombie.

--There are other things I'm focusing my free time on. I will be volunteering at the RMDH here in Grand Rapids within the next month. Only a few days a month to begin with, but another priority just the same. I feel very strongly about giving back to RMDH and meeting and caring for the families, there. I'm also very focused on Until Journey's End and Three Voices. Mostly, getting gift packages out and figuring out how to meld the two orgs together. I cannot stand to let either one go, so I'm prayerfully trying to figure it all out.

There are still many of you who follow our blog and I LOVE that. I just feel like our life is so....boring now! I feel like I don't have much to say. There are so many blogs that I follow that people seem to have these AWESOME daily "journals," I just can't get into that, folks. It's also difficult to say some things I want to say, sometimes, because this is my REAL LIFE. Not that "Ohio" wasn't, but it's different, now. It's much easier for me to take negative comments to heart when I reveal very personal things about my life as a wife and mom "in the thick of it." All that to say, I apologize if I'm not as transparent as I have been?! It's purposeful. And I'm not sure how to change that. Or if I want to.

Besides, I'd rather have ALL OF YOU checking UJE everyday, instead!

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Our visit with Gram and Papa was wonderful. We had a great time, as you can see from the photos. I love to see Gram and Papa's eyes light up when we visit. Hannah kept wanting Papa to pick her up...I don't think she realizes he's a GREAT Grandpa and is older than her Papa. We (Jason, Hannah and I) made and slept in a tent on the floor. Can you say BACK PAIN? And I'm not even 30, yet!!!

We also visited my parents, Mike and Patty. We had a great visit and Grandma Patty (who has been an elementary school teacher for over 30 years and now teaches preschool) had a lot of fun reading and playing with Hannah. I know Hannah's a little smarty, but it makes me feel good when others notice too...especially a preschool teacher!!!

Sidenote: Have I ever mentioned my parents are divorced? Don and Lisa (Bio mom and Step dad) live in Charlevoix, MI and Mike and Patty (Bio dad and Step mom) live in Grand Blanc, MI.

My view on my parents. I've never thought of my step parents as step parents. I've always felt like I've had 2 moms and 2 dads. I believe they've all contributed to who I am--and I'm proud of that. I love them all and each very much. I cannot imagine my life without each of them. I hate divorce, but I love the parents God has given me. All four of them!

Hannah's playing at the kitchen sink...I better go supervise...

Decisions: Do I place my child for adoption?

You might be surprised to hear that I don't suggest any particular websites or books or agencies when it comes to the decision to place your child for adoption.

Here's why.

There are a million people who want to tell you what they did or how they did it. There are a million people who want to give advice. But there isn't one person in YOUR situation. There's only one you and and you are the ONLY birthmom to your child.

You might regret not studying for an exam or dating a guy who was a real jerk, you might regret skipping breakfast or staying out too late. But you don't want to regret a wrong decision about parenting or placing your child for adoption. Some birthmoms choose to parent even though they have to quit college to do it. Some birthmoms choose to parent with or without the support of the father and family. You have to look at all those things for yourself. I'm not a birthmom, but I can only imagine that it will likely be the most difficult decision you will EVER make. Either way you choose. Because either choice means a great loss.

I'm an advocate for personal choice. I'm an advocate for what is best for you and your child.

The best way I know to sort through the emotions and thoughts and decisions of this magnitude is through prayer. God knows you inside and out. He created you and your baby. He has a plan for each of your lives. He will lead you to the right decision. I promise, if you ask, He'll answer. You'll just have to listen very carefully; which is why I don't advise talking to a lot of people who have a lot of advice. Sometimes it becomes difficult to distinguish God's voice when you've got so many others whispering in your ear.

If you do choose to research your choices with the help of others, a few things to keep in mind:

--While adoption agencies do provide birth family counseling to help you make an "unbiased" decision, the agency WILL benefit if you choose to place your child for adoption. MAKE SURE they are not pressuring you either way. Do not sign anything. If you cannot talk with someone openly and honestly or you have a "gut feeling" it's not right, then it isn't. Run as fast as you can the other way.

--There are good adoption experiences and there are bad adoption experiences. There are open adoptions that work and some that don't. There are good adoption agencies and very bad ones. Make sure you hear both sides of every story and ask for references.

You are a very special person who God loves very much. Facing an unplanned pregnancy must be very overwhelming and scary. I will be praying for you and your child everyday. If you'd like to contact me personally and confidentially, please email me (tiffany.m.evans@gmail.com) and we can chat online or exchange phone numbers.

One more thing. A verse I read while in Ohio that has stuck with me. I think it will be helpful to you, too:

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." --James 3:17--

You are not making this decision alone. God is right there with you. And you'll know His voice when you hear the answer that is in agreement with James 3:17.

You are loved.

I thought we were working his neck muscles, he thought we were working his leg muscules...I giggled, he didn't.


Ok, so this one is pretty good...


Our little buddy, buddy.


Have you read the book Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell? If you haven't, pretend I'm Oprah and you read my bookclub books and run out TODAY and buy this book and read it. I did a quick read within the last month and then Jason read it so we could talk about it and now I'm reading it again with a highlighter. Listen, it's a challenging book. You'll walk away every time wide-eyed and speechless. Just thinking. I LOVE IT! I think faith is always evolving, changing, growing...and this book really lays it all on the line.

Things here are status quo. Isaac continues to smile and coo more and more. He has these HUGE, open mouth grins that I cannot seem to get a picture of! I think right now the biggest thing he needs to start doing is picking up his head when he's lying on his stomach (tummy time). His therapist isn't too concerned. I think this is the next big step for him and I really want to see some progress so we work on it every week.

Hannah continues to use the potty and we are very proud! She loves her brother so much--hugging and kissing him all the time. It's a joy to see their relationship grow and develop.

Besides the normal domestic duties of a SAHM, I've been thinking and praying a lot about Three Voices and Until Journey's End. I've been doing some research and reading...and what I could really use is some professional help. So, I'm asking. If there is anyone with experience setting up non-profits and non-profit work (and the ins and outs of all of it), and you'd like to volunteer some time to talk with Jason and I, we'd really appreciate it. We've been looking into umbrella non-profits, wondering if that's an avenue for us...we just need a sounding board other than each other. Please email me if you are interested in helping us move forward with these endeavors. We'd really appreciate it.

Gram, an answer to your question...yes, that line you see on Isaac's belly is from his surgical incision. And, at the top of his chest on the right is the scar from his Broviac. My little buddy buddy has battle scars! But that's ok because he won the war! Praise the Lord!

This weekend, we'll be headed to Grand Blanc, MI (about 2 hours from home) to stay and visit with my grandparents. Yep, that's right, Gram and Papa will be meeting Isaac for the first time! I'm thrilled to be headed their way. It's been way too long. I know you've all come to love my Gram; and honestly, who wouldn't?! I wish you could meet her in person. She's a gem. You'll be seeing pics of Gram and Papa with us so stay tuned!

One last thing...as we begin to settle into life, again, my mind and heart have started to drift back to thinking about God's plan. When I was in the "thick of it" (in Ohio) I felt like God was always there and holding things together. I gave it all to Him because it WAS too much for me. But coming home, I took charge again..you know, just pushing into a routine so I could feel like things were "in order." I'm starting to s-l-o-w down again and take stock, really take stock. Focus on a God Plan instead of a Tiffany plan. Please pray I can make time for Him. Maybe stop looking at so many blogs. It's addicting. Seriously.

Have a great day tomorrow!

One more thing....check our latest update at Until Journey's End...

UJE Update

Check out Until Journey's End for our latest update!

Isaac is 6 months old!

Can you believe it?! I can't!! Our little buddy is 6 months old today! He was full of smiles (and cries) today and I managed to get a few on camera!

Isaac has been such a blessing. We love our buddy buddy very much--he brings us so much joy. More than anything, I love to see Hannah and Isaac interact. They are both so adorable I could just eat them up.

Jason is giving him his bottle and then Jason will take him up to bed (I put Hannah to bed a few minutes ago). Jason and I will relax for an hour or two and head to bed ourselves.

Love to all!

Our dear, sweet Clinton

I searched and searched last night and couldn't find our pics of Clinton; I finally found them.

Clinton was the heart of RMDH Cleveland. While his job was House Custodian, his love was the children. And because he loved our children so, we loved him. He was always there to listen at the end of bad day. The first person Hannah asked for when we came downstairs or returned from the hospital, was Clinton. When Hannah and I were getting ready to leave in December, I asked her what she loved most about RMDH. Of course, she said, "Clinton." What a tragedy he died so unexpectedly but an honor to know him and peace and joy in knowing he's with our Heavenly Father for eternity.

"Somewhere out there is a unique place for you to help others--a unique life role for you to fill that ONLY you can fill." - Thomas Kinkade -

Clinton's "somewhere" was in the hearts of our children.

Until we meet again, my friend. I can't wait.


Clinton dancing in the kitchen with Hannah, Ariel and Mateo.


Clinton and Hannah

Hannah wanted DADDY to paint her toenails!



Can you find the baby?


The problem with not blogging for almost a week is that there are so many things I want to share, but when I sit down at the computer I can't remember one of them!

Isaac had a couple doctor's appointments the end of last week all with good news. He's progressing very well. He weighed 8 pounds 14 ounces at the pediatricians office. She's thinking maybe in February we'll ditch the 22 calorie formula. What this means is that it's the same formula, just less concentrated. We don't want him getting too chubby! According to a "normal" 2 month old, he'd be in the 3rd percentile for weight right now...isn't that interesting...doing great for a preemie but if he were full term we'd be in big trouble!

Before I forget, a big SHOUT out to my best friend in the whole world, Amy! Tomorrow is her 30th birthday!!!! Love ya, Amy! We're making plans to visit them in Colorado over the 4th of July. Check out their blog at Bryan and Amy Dik.

Our "old" babysitter, who moved out of the neighborhood, and her roommate, volunteered to babysit the kids last night so Jason and I could go out. Thank you, Colleen and Rebecca, what a special treat! I showered, threw on my good jeans, a clean shirt, a necklace and blew dry my hair. Seriously, all of that was a big deal! We went to Boston's (we had a coupon), returned cans at Meijer and went to Target and bought Jason some white T-shirts and Hannah some UNDERWEAR.

Yep, my little girl is really loving this toilet thing. So, we decided to move to undies during the day. She's so proud of herself. And we're so proud of her. Funny thing, though (though not at the time). It was like Friday afternoon, I think, and I had just sat down to start feeding my screaming infant when Hannah proudly announces she pooped. This means I need to promptly wipe a butt and dump a "bowl" of poop. I take the bottle out of Isaac's mouth, allowing him to let out a huge scream and proceed to help Hannah. And just as I'm bending down to wipe her rear end, Isaac pukes on my shoulder. I thought of my resume and wondered how to capture this particular experience.

Any suggestions?? This will make for fun comment reading. Please, enlighten me. Who knows, maybe I'll even add your creative wording to my resume...

I've also been spending a lot of time on Until Journey's End. Check out the blog for our most recent update!

Jeannie, my friend from RMDH just called to tell me that our dear friend, Clinton, died over the weekend. We are unsure of the exact cause but it sounds like it had something to do with an asthma attack. Shocking, sad news. Clinton was the LIFE of the RMDH. He was a father to all our children whose dads couldn't be there on a daily basis. He made us laugh and smile. He WAS RMDH of Cleveland. I'm relieved to know (as much as anyone can know about someone else) that he was a Believer and now lives for eternity with Jesus. Praise the Lord!

With that sobering news, I'm going to sign off. Tomorrow, send some snail mail to someone who has made a positive difference in your life. If you wait until Tuesday, it might be too late.

I've been following a blog, now, for a few days and thought I would share it with all of you. Perhaps you will pray for this family or join me in sending a care package or note of encouragment. They're going to need everything we can muster.

Confessions of a CF Husband (Husband and Father)

Catchin' Some Waves (Father, Father-in-law, Grandpa)

Also, an update on Ariel, Hannah's friend from RMDH. He finally had his heart surgery yesterday. Cristina (his mom), texted me to say he's doing great. In case you've forgotten, the surgery he needed has never been done before and in the case most like his, the other child died. Hugs and prayers as Ariel recovers from his surgery. Love you, Cristina!

And one more thing, you can follow another blog of a friend of mine from RMDH. Their son had a heart transplant. Their son, Grady, is a Modern Day Miracle.

I love my kids.

But.

Sometimes I don't enjoy being a mom.

And for all of you who want to comment about how I have nothing to complain about, my children are healthy and my life is perfect...eat dirt and don't leave any nasty comments.

I was ready for my Calgon bath by 10am. And it's not because they're extra cranky or I'm extra tired. Isaac has been difficult to feed and Hannah has been difficult to keep busy. I've already got her signed up for Storytime at the library but she needs an ACTIVE, PHYSICAL outlet. I told her once the rain stopped today (probably won't) we could go for a walk. I just tried to sign her up for a class at the Y but one was full and one was cancelled. FRUSTRATING.

I mailed out letters to 6 area churches yesterday basically begging for a 50+ year old couple to "join" our family. It's not that I want help because I need a break, it's because Hannah needs an outlet and I feel bad dragging her to all of Isaac's appointments that take way too long. We can read books, play dollhouse, do play dough and it's just not enough. Thank goodness Jason comes home and wrestles and chases and all that stuff. I want to go to the Y, too. I want to go outside, too. It's not about getting out of the house, I manage that. It's about activity. That's what we need. That's what we've been needing for 6 months, now.

There are also a lot of things I want to be doing besides wiping butts and cleaning up puke. I want to apply to be a board member for a particular organization and of course they want a copy of my resume. Well, since 2005, those are the types of things I've been doing. Obviously, I can write in my cover letter I'm a SAHM but I don't like that my resume lacks 2 years of Professional Experience, either. Argh. I know, I know, I'll cherish these memories when my kids are grown...I cherish them now, too, but I still want to be an individual with hopes and dreams and yada yada.

I know everyone feels this way so there's no need to remind me. I know I'll feel better tomorrow. I know Isaac will eat better and Hannah and I will survive the next few months with few battle scars. But it's still how I feel and this is the place I've been venting for months, now, so here I am. Besides, if I don't blog now while the kids are asleep, I won't have time later.

Hoping to get the first 3 packages for Until Journey's End out on Friday. I went shopping last night and may go again tonight to finish up. Before you know it, we'll be the Samaritan's Purse Operation Christmas Child (except all year round) for the United States.

The kids won't sleep forever. Gotta move.

I hope you were able to take a few minutes and explore Until Journey's End. With the first care package going out this week, I'm excited to see how this takes off. I know there are thousands of families in need of love and support, the next step is finding them and supplying them with needed items. If you would like to support others, as you have our family, please contact us! Every little bit helps! Also, please send the link to anyone and everyone you think may be interested in helping out! Even if you're not, maybe someone you know, is!

It's been a busy week, here. Hannah continues to go potty on her toilet without reminders--it's fantastic! She gets one M&M every time she poops on the toilet. She even gets to choose the M&M--big stuff here, folks.

Isaac is awake for longer periods of time and interacts with us more and more. Hannah continues to get most of his attention, which she loves. He gave her the first ear to ear grin a few days ago. He'll give little half smiles to Jason and I, but he reserves the big stuff for her! I love it.

My best friend, Amy, who lives in Colorado, was in MI for the holidays to visit family. Every time she comes to Holland (her in-laws house), she calls me and we get together. On Wednesday, I packed up the kiddos and we headed out. Amy and I had a great time hanging out. We made Macaroni and Cheese for the kids and ordered Chinese takeout for the two of us. Nothin' better! I miss Amy very much and always look forward to seeing her and her family. It was a fun afternoon!

Jason headed back to work on Thursday and Friday while I worked on laundry and ventured out to Isaac's doctor appointment (retinal specialist). We were at the doctor's office for an hour and a half and the visit with the doctor was less than 3 minutes. Hannah missed her nap, Isaac was starving...I was very frustrated. Anyway, Isaac's eyes are looking good. Another eye appointment in a month or so.

Yesterday, our Ohio Grandma and Grandpa stopped over (the couple who helped take care of Hannah while we were in Cleveland). Yep, their daughters live in Grand Rapids! They spent most of the morning with us; talking, laughing, drinking coffee. It was so nice to see them. Hannah thought Jason and I were leaving since they were coming over. Not this time! We had a very nice visit and hope to see them again when we return to Ohio for Isaac's adoption finalization.

So, I'm working on getting the house back in order, a routine in place and chores caught up, while Jason returns to work to catch up on his end. The kids are transitioning very well to our family of four, all at home together. I'm looking forward to the next few months as we travel down this new road. I'm going to add "blogging" to my list of things to do and see if we can get this rolling again on a consistent basis.

Enjoy your Sunday afternoon!

Until Journey's End

Please check out our new blog (not to replace this one) and help support other familes in need!

Until Journey's End

2007 in Review

January: Hannah Grace. One year ago. My little munka, munka.




February: Dinnertime!




March: Moriah Juliet. She was born 4 days before my 29th birthday.




April: Hannah and Daddy at Blanford Nature Preserve in Grand Rapids.




May: Hollywood, here she comes!




June: Hannah has a popsicle on our front steps on a hot, summer day.





July: Hannah and I go hiking when we visit my BF in Colorado.




July: Isaac enters our lives and becomes the reason we do everything we do.




August: Hannah sees her first parade (in Canton, OH while we're staying at the McKinley Grand during Hall of Fame week).




August: Isaac weighs less than 2 pounds.




September: Hannah meets Ronald when we move into the Ronald McDonald House.



September: Isaac is transferred from Canton to Cleveland.



October: Hannah meets Barney.



October: Isaac celebrates 100 days of life (in the NICU).



November: Isaac has surgery.



December: Two kiddos! At home!




It's simply amazing to think about where 2007 started and where it ended. I look back at the pictures from earlier in the year and I feel like we were more...innocent, then. Like we were still "young marrieds" with a sweet, little toddler. Hannah has grown up significantly in the past six months and so have Jason and I. We've faced the loss of a child through adoption disruption, the loss of a mother, mother-in-law and grandma, very unexpectedly and the joys and struggles to bring our son home.

It's frustrating and heartbreaking to think about our Moriah Juliet. Why did God allow her to come into our lives and then snatch her away from us? Why did God give me the opportunity to take her birthmom to her doctor appointments? Why did he allow us to love her? Why did I have to see my little girl love her little sister? Why did Jason have to hand Moriah over to the social worker? I will never forget the pain of that moment. Moriah will be a year old in March. I've written her birthmom a few times asking for a picture but we've never received a response. Yes, we have Isaac, now, but he will never replace our Moriah, who is still out there, growing and changing. Moriah Juliet will always have a place in my heart. Moriah's picture is displayed proudly in our home. I'll never understand why she was our daughter for only a short time. I do know that I can pray for her, from afar, and know I am affecting her life. If prayer over her life is the only reason she entered ours, that is enough. It has to be.

We lost Jason's mom so SUDDENLY. I think that was the hardest part. We didn't get to say goodbye. She didn't get to say goodbye. A couple months before she died, she'd fallen and fractured her ankle (complications from this accident caused her death). Nancy and Jim had been unable to come over (as they usually did) so I decided to take Hannah over to their place to give grandma a little cheering up. It was the last time Hannah and I saw her. I remember not really wanting to go...things to do, too far to drive, etc. etc. But I knew Nancy and Jim would love to see Hannah and Hannah would love to see them. It is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I really mean that. When Nancy was in the hospital, unresponsive, and we knew it was the end, I kept thinking about that decision to visit. Thank God I decided to go. Thank the Holy Spirit for speaking into my soul to put the desires of others before my own. If ever I have to decide between "things to do" and making someones day...I have learned to put my to do list on the back burner. Because I'll never know when SUDDENLY is coming.

Isaac. So many minuscule things had to happen for him to come into our lives, he is simply a miracle.

--Jason and I are up watching the 11pm news one night (which we never do) and see a story about a couple who had posted their adoption profile on their myspace account. I had had the same idea, but had never had the guts to do it! I wanted to see their profile so I wrote down their info and put it by my computer.

--A few weeks later, I decided to look them up. I did. I thought about emailing them, but decided not to.

--A few weeks later, I did email them. a woman named Sherry emailed me back. We "chatted" a few times, encouraging one another in our adoption journeys, and that was it.

--A few weeks later, Sherry emailed me with a list of websites to check out that listed children available for adoption.

--I checked out a few sites and thought it was a little risky. Ok, a lot risky.

--I checked the sites now and again, just looking. All the while we're waiting with our agency to be shown to a birthfamily.

--Hannah and I went to Colorado to visit my best friend. While we're there, I get online and look at the websites. There are a couple situations I think we'd be interested in. One in particular makes me go to great lengths to get our info to the agency. Within a few days, we find out it's a no-go.

--Hannah and I return from Colorado. I'm out on the deck while Hannah's playing in the yard and I decide to bring the laptop out and surf the web. Right before I turn it off, I decide to check the adoption sites. I find a posting that says, "AA baby boy born 7/15/07 at 24 week gestation. The baby is legally freed for adoption. He was born at 1 pound, 8 oz and 13 inches. He had APGARS of 2 and 9. He is currently vented but doing very well. He has had no brain bleeds." I called the agency at 4:50pm and finally got through to a social worker. By the time I was off the phone, I was reeling. It was Friday afternoon and I HAD to call Jason.

--Monday afternoon we got the call that if we wanted him, he was ours. We did.

--Tuesday afternoon Hannah and I left to meet Isaac.

Marriage is a step of faith. Deciding to have children is a step of faith. Adoption is a leap. But Isaac? He was a running jump of faith. And I love that. I love that we trusted God enough to DO THIS. It's exhilarating! And it's not over, yet! We don't even know the plans God has for our son. Or our daughter. Or our family. I pray God would continue to challenge and grow our faith. I pray we would answer His call. Every time. I have learned to really, really, trust God. And I have learned that trusting Him is the ONLY way I want to live my life. On the edge. Running and jumping off. No safety net.

What's next?

Only God knows.