February: Dinnertime!
March: Moriah Juliet. She was born 4 days before my 29th birthday.
April: Hannah and Daddy at Blanford Nature Preserve in Grand Rapids.
May: Hollywood, here she comes!
June: Hannah has a popsicle on our front steps on a hot, summer day.
July: Hannah and I go hiking when we visit my BF in Colorado.
July: Isaac enters our lives and becomes the reason we do everything we do.
August: Hannah sees her first parade (in Canton, OH while we're staying at the McKinley Grand during Hall of Fame week).
August: Isaac weighs less than 2 pounds.
September: Hannah meets Ronald when we move into the Ronald McDonald House.
September: Isaac is transferred from Canton to Cleveland.
October: Hannah meets Barney.
October: Isaac celebrates 100 days of life (in the NICU).
November: Isaac has surgery.
December: Two kiddos! At home!
It's simply amazing to think about where 2007 started and where it ended. I look back at the pictures from earlier in the year and I feel like we were more...innocent, then. Like we were still "young marrieds" with a sweet, little toddler. Hannah has grown up significantly in the past six months and so have Jason and I. We've faced the loss of a child through adoption disruption, the loss of a mother, mother-in-law and grandma, very unexpectedly and the joys and struggles to bring our son home.
It's frustrating and heartbreaking to think about our Moriah Juliet. Why did God allow her to come into our lives and then snatch her away from us? Why did God give me the opportunity to take her birthmom to her doctor appointments? Why did he allow us to love her? Why did I have to see my little girl love her little sister? Why did Jason have to hand Moriah over to the social worker? I will never forget the pain of that moment. Moriah will be a year old in March. I've written her birthmom a few times asking for a picture but we've never received a response. Yes, we have Isaac, now, but he will never replace our Moriah, who is still out there, growing and changing. Moriah Juliet will always have a place in my heart. Moriah's picture is displayed proudly in our home. I'll never understand why she was our daughter for only a short time. I do know that I can pray for her, from afar, and know I am affecting her life. If prayer over her life is the only reason she entered ours, that is enough. It has to be.
We lost Jason's mom so SUDDENLY. I think that was the hardest part. We didn't get to say goodbye. She didn't get to say goodbye. A couple months before she died, she'd fallen and fractured her ankle (complications from this accident caused her death). Nancy and Jim had been unable to come over (as they usually did) so I decided to take Hannah over to their place to give grandma a little cheering up. It was the last time Hannah and I saw her. I remember not really wanting to go...things to do, too far to drive, etc. etc. But I knew Nancy and Jim would love to see Hannah and Hannah would love to see them. It is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I really mean that. When Nancy was in the hospital, unresponsive, and we knew it was the end, I kept thinking about that decision to visit. Thank God I decided to go. Thank the Holy Spirit for speaking into my soul to put the desires of others before my own. If ever I have to decide between "things to do" and making someones day...I have learned to put my to do list on the back burner. Because I'll never know when SUDDENLY is coming.
Isaac. So many minuscule things had to happen for him to come into our lives, he is simply a miracle.
--Jason and I are up watching the 11pm news one night (which we never do) and see a story about a couple who had posted their adoption profile on their myspace account. I had had the same idea, but had never had the guts to do it! I wanted to see their profile so I wrote down their info and put it by my computer.
--A few weeks later, I decided to look them up. I did. I thought about emailing them, but decided not to.
--A few weeks later, I did email them. a woman named Sherry emailed me back. We "chatted" a few times, encouraging one another in our adoption journeys, and that was it.
--A few weeks later, Sherry emailed me with a list of websites to check out that listed children available for adoption.
--I checked out a few sites and thought it was a little risky. Ok, a lot risky.
--I checked the sites now and again, just looking. All the while we're waiting with our agency to be shown to a birthfamily.
--Hannah and I went to Colorado to visit my best friend. While we're there, I get online and look at the websites. There are a couple situations I think we'd be interested in. One in particular makes me go to great lengths to get our info to the agency. Within a few days, we find out it's a no-go.
--Hannah and I return from Colorado. I'm out on the deck while Hannah's playing in the yard and I decide to bring the laptop out and surf the web. Right before I turn it off, I decide to check the adoption sites. I find a posting that says, "AA baby boy born 7/15/07 at 24 week gestation. The baby is legally freed for adoption. He was born at 1 pound, 8 oz and 13 inches. He had APGARS of 2 and 9. He is currently vented but doing very well. He has had no brain bleeds." I called the agency at 4:50pm and finally got through to a social worker. By the time I was off the phone, I was reeling. It was Friday afternoon and I HAD to call Jason.
--Monday afternoon we got the call that if we wanted him, he was ours. We did.
--Tuesday afternoon Hannah and I left to meet Isaac.
Marriage is a step of faith. Deciding to have children is a step of faith. Adoption is a leap. But Isaac? He was a running jump of faith. And I love that. I love that we trusted God enough to DO THIS. It's exhilarating! And it's not over, yet! We don't even know the plans God has for our son. Or our daughter. Or our family. I pray God would continue to challenge and grow our faith. I pray we would answer His call. Every time. I have learned to really, really, trust God. And I have learned that trusting Him is the ONLY way I want to live my life. On the edge. Running and jumping off. No safety net.
What's next?
Only God knows.
13 comments:
Wow! What an amazing post, Tiffany! God has used you to challenge me to trust his more and take more leaps of faith. What a year you have had! Thank you for sharing it with all of us in blogland!!!
A friend referred me to your blog, & I'm so glad she did. I can't wait to read more in detail regarding your adoption journeys.
We have three adopted children, currently waiting for our fourth.
May God continue to bless you for helping your children & their birthparents. :)
Tiffany,
A million different cliche things to say about the how's and why's are running through my head. None of them seem right, so I won't say them. I will say Hi! and I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Happy Wednesday! (It's almost Friday, although with the holiday break it doesn't feel any different. :) lol)
Great post! We had an adoption disruption in 2003, not quite as impacting as yours but unsettling nonetheless... however, FIVE days later we got Ozzie in Detroit.
Both Ozzie and Nolan were posted on the websites for available situations. A former student of mine who has at 12 children (mostly adopted) found our sons for us. We had all our paperwork ready and just prayed. Ozzie was 1 day old when we met him and Nolan was 13 days. (Aaron is a biosib so we just did his adoption with an attorney in Memphis).
Our first baby and her mother will always be in our hearts. I will never understand the choices that were made in the situation but I know God's will is best. Certainly, our boys couldn't be any more OUR boys if we'd contributed DNA. Moriah will always be in your life and hearts. Your prayers will impact her immensely.
How far are you from the Childrens Museum in GR? We have Dalton friends who have grandparents in GR and they go with their children to the museum. The family is delightful; I'll let you know next time their up north and perhaps you can visit.
Enjoy your day! Any sledding in the future?
Katie
what a wonderful testimony from this last year. Thank you for sharing your past year with us. what a year you have had. God bless your coming year. In Christ, Carol
Totally off subject - I have been meaning to ask you - how do you play Dutch Blitz?
I have to say, I LOVE the hat Moriah is wearing!!!! Love, love, love it!!!
Tiffany, I see our failed adoption and recent miscarriage as a way God has softend our hearts. We were not sure about different race children at first...we wern't sure about disabilities either. The pain has opened our hearts wider and just a few months after, here we are praying that we get this blind Indian baby. Maybe without the recent hurt from Moriah, you would have thought differently about Isaac. God made you stronge enough for this journey. The important thing is God knows what the reason is. We just have to trust he is working. -Sherry
Oh the rewards of "jumping"!!!
Only God does know, but there is freedom in knowing that He does know.
It has been a pleasure, honor and a huge life lesson for me to follow your blog. God has blessed me and is moving our family closer to His will because of you guys. You will never know how thankful I am that I found your blog through the Bucks.
God bless your family for Living Out Loud for His Kingdom.
Still praying for you guys!
Jane
Wow Tiffany...this is a very encouraging testimony. I share in one of your posts from Sherry in her thoughts of "The Why?" God softening your heart to prepare you for Issac. I have shared my own adoption disruption story with you...our precious Destiny Nicole. A beautiful biracial baby girl that we brought home to be ours at 3 wks only to battle with the "sperm donar" for 9 mths and lost. I did ask a lot of why questions...but all in all I know my heart has softened to the option of adopting from a different race baby and I have such a deeper faith in my God what He can and will do in His time. Like you feel for Moriah, Destiny will always be a part of us and we will always pray for her. She may have been our daughter for only a short time and I will never forget the pain of letting her go but we are so blessed to be able to share in her life and have a family like relationship with Destiny's maternal family. In fact, Destiny was just here with us for several days after Christmas and we had so much fun with her. We are now called Mommy Lynn and Daddy Rog...this makes me happy!! I know that "our daughter" will be with us one day:) I am excited about that.
I pray many more blessings for you and your family in 2008!!
What a wonderful post! You certainly have been through a lot this year.
May God bring you much joy and peace in this new year!
Tiff - what a great way to reflect & recap the past year, it made me cry & smile at the same time -- thanks for sharing. i can't wait to come over and visit and see your little buddy buddy in person. still praying for you and rejoicing w/ you. hope to see you soon. Christine =D
Hey there, its been a couple of days but "do" not count "me" out!!!
Love the blog and your explanation of all that has went on. Needless to say we "meaning me" do not comprehend all of this "STUFF". So many of you out there are so brave to take on all of this adoption stuff and be so positive most of the time. Granted there are down times but from what I can see you do not give up and "God Bless You". It is easy to be discouraged but it is harder to keep on keeping on.
Just keep on keeping on!!!
There are those out here praying for you now that we have learned of all of this.
Had not Tiff and Jason opened their hearts and lives to so many of us we would not have known the trials and tribulations of all of this. They let themselves be open to those nay sayers and that was good to as "we" got to see what they are thinking. They have not walked the walk yet and needless to say what goes around comes around in life. I still pray that all goes well with everyone no matter what and what their opinion is.
Hey Lizzy do not give up on me, I was under the weather and will get back with you!!!!!
Christ's Love and MINE GRAM
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