57 days ago, we learned God had chosen us to be Isaac's family, and he, ours. It feels like yesterday and it feels like forever ago. When it's just Hannah and I, I sometimes forget about what's really going on--why we're really here. I don't know if that's a kind of survival mechanism or just me being a little wacko, but I forget or don't think about it and then it hits me--we have a baby! A son! And then I see him, and touch him and my world stops. All I see and know is this little boy. I want to hold him and cuddle him and snuggle him and look into his eyes and tell him that I love him--no matter what. No matter what. In those quiet moments I sometimes want to cry. I want to be sad at all the things I've missed and will miss the first months of his life. I want to be sad at all he's had to go through. I've never had more than a sliver. Never a broken bone or serious illness. And this little child, that's mine, had been fighting for his life since his first breath.
I believe God wants to use every situation I encounter to mold me, to change me...to make me more like Him. I think I screw that up sometimes. I have an agenda that I'm going to push through and that's that. So maybe next time, God uses a situation a little bigger, a little harder, to open my eyes. And maybe I see His ways, and maybe I don't. And I think it keeps going. I don't think God ever gives up. Not ever. He keeps presenting situations until I stop pushing my agenda. And I realize His. I think this is an ongoing process until I die. I will never be perfect but I should always be striving to look more like Christ. And act more like Christ and be more like Christ. And so I say, Heavenly Father, I give up. I'm giving up. I want to stop pushing my agenda, whatever that is because I don't even know what it is, and I just want to be where you want me to be. Doing what you want me to do. I really am tired. Tired of being angry. Tired of being mean. Tired of fighting. I want to be who you created me to be. I want to be happy. Not all the time, but most of the time. Whatever you need to do to make me who you created me to be, I want you to do it. I don't care how hard it is I don't care that it's going to hurt I don't care that it's humbling--just do it. I don't want regrets. I want to live the life you intended for me and my attitude is not right to be working for you. I want clarity--your clarity and I'm declaring it right now. I deserve the life you created for me and I'm not settling for anything less. So, bring it on. Let's get through this. I mean it this time.
5 comments:
Thanks, Tiff. Your thoughts today really helped ME!!!!!
HE has a plan and we need to believe!!!
He will honor your request and life will never be the same again.
Praying in SC,
Jane
Isaac almost looks like he is smiling in the first picture. The one with your hand by his head lets us know how small he still is.
Your comments are true for all of us. Life is not easy but we tend to make it more difficult. I am sure that we all would love to be more like Christ and show our love the way He shows/showed His love for us. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing great and remember that. As the saying goes we all fall short!!
Love ya, Gram
"...And Thy will be done..." I beleive in my heart that you and Jason ARE fulfilling His plan, and I also beleive that you and Jason ARE the people He wants you to be. I also beleive like you said, it is an ongoing process...everyday your feet hit the floor is a new day. God realizes our shortcomings and weaknesses and He knows how to work on them and with them. I am in agreement with you as are so many others regarding your prayers. Now, God's will be done.
Sometimes when we profess and confess our inner most secrets and struggles, the things that make our hearts SO very heavy, that is our new beginning.Hopefully when your feet hit the floor you "felt" a new day and some sense of comfort and strength.
Ilove all 4 of you and I am praying that all of your needs are met (and then some).
Thanks for the pics!!I am enjoying them. Tell Hannah that Nana and Grandpa will see her soon. We will also see you and Jason and his family soon and are so looking forward to it. Love you all and give baby Isaac a hug and kiss, Lots of Love, Mom and Nana
Hey Tiff, Bryan's cousin might have some people she knows who can help out with childcare. I left you a voice message and email. Hope it works out!
love ya! hang in there! you are a beautiful creation of God and He has you where you are for a reason, like gold being refined in the fire. We all have our weak points, our selfish desires and wants, our outright rebellion against God and what is right--and when we feel those things, I believe it is the Holy Spirit convicting us that we need to surrender to God. And He of course will give you what you need. But don't forget about the precious child of God He has created in you, and Jason, and Hannah, and Isaac. It's sometimes easier to see it in our kids, I think. We are praying for you, and we love you.
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