Thursday, January 24, 2008

Decisions: Do I place my child for adoption?


You might be surprised to hear that I don't suggest any particular websites or books or agencies when it comes to the decision to place your child for adoption.

Here's why.

There are a million people who want to tell you what they did or how they did it. There are a million people who want to give advice. But there isn't one person in YOUR situation. There's only one you and and you are the ONLY birthmom to your child.

You might regret not studying for an exam or dating a guy who was a real jerk, you might regret skipping breakfast or staying out too late. But you don't want to regret a wrong decision about parenting or placing your child for adoption. Some birthmoms choose to parent even though they have to quit college to do it. Some birthmoms choose to parent with or without the support of the father and family. You have to look at all those things for yourself. I'm not a birthmom, but I can only imagine that it will likely be the most difficult decision you will EVER make. Either way you choose. Because either choice means a great loss.

I'm an advocate for personal choice. I'm an advocate for what is best for you and your child.

The best way I know to sort through the emotions and thoughts and decisions of this magnitude is through prayer. God knows you inside and out. He created you and your baby. He has a plan for each of your lives. He will lead you to the right decision. I promise, if you ask, He'll answer. You'll just have to listen very carefully; which is why I don't advise talking to a lot of people who have a lot of advice. Sometimes it becomes difficult to distinguish God's voice when you've got so many others whispering in your ear.

If you do choose to research your choices with the help of others, a few things to keep in mind:

--While adoption agencies do provide birth family counseling to help you make an "unbiased" decision, the agency WILL benefit if you choose to place your child for adoption. MAKE SURE they are not pressuring you either way. Do not sign anything. If you cannot talk with someone openly and honestly or you have a "gut feeling" it's not right, then it isn't. Run as fast as you can the other way.

--There are good adoption experiences and there are bad adoption experiences. There are open adoptions that work and some that don't. There are good adoption agencies and very bad ones. Make sure you hear both sides of every story and ask for references.

You are a very special person who God loves very much. Facing an unplanned pregnancy must be very overwhelming and scary. I will be praying for you and your child everyday. If you'd like to contact me personally and confidentially, please email me (tiffany.m.evans@gmail.com) and we can chat online or exchange phone numbers.

One more thing. A verse I read while in Ohio that has stuck with me. I think it will be helpful to you, too:

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." --James 3:17--

You are not making this decision alone. God is right there with you. And you'll know His voice when you hear the answer that is in agreement with James 3:17.

You are loved.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tears are streaming down my face...God is speaking directly through you. How do I know? Sunflowers are her favorite!
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Your blog continues to inspire & amaze me! (You, my friend, are awsome...) Malissa

Laura said...

We were blessed with 2 gorgeous children through adoption and their birthmoms are our heroes!

Some may wonder, how could a mother ever "give up" her baby? The reason is because God makes these women extraordinary and gives them extraordinary selflessness to make the decision that is right for them. Also, God makes people like that, because there are people like us who want more than anything in the entire world, a child to love and call their own. Something we couldn't do on our own.

Birthmoms are heroes and a blessing to so many families for their willingness to gift the miracle of a child to someone else. I don't think we would have ever known true happiness if it weren't for our childrens birthmothers. God bless each and every one!

Lizze said...

Tiffany,

Growing up an adoptee there were moments when I couldn't understand why my birth mother had given me up for adoption. I was too young to wrap my head around such a decision.

Then I became pregnant when I was 18 years old. I suddenly understood. I understood that it was a decision made out of love. She wasn't trying to "get rid of me". It wasn't a decision made lightly.

I thought long and hard about whether or not that decision was for me. In the end, it was not. I had my son and he just turned 8 a week ago. He is a wonderful, beautiful little boy.

I actually found my birth mother a few years ago. While I haven't had continued contact with her, I was able to talk to her about her decision. She said that she was unable to keep me but that when the adoption agency told her about my parents, she knew. She knew that she was meant to give me life and they were meant to raise and love me.

From that moment on, that is how I've viewed birth mothers. They were chosen by God to carry and give birth to the children. But he had chosen someone else to love and raise them.

Thank you for being a "Chosen One", Tiffany. :)And thank you for giving such a loving, considerate voice to this difficult topic.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for quite a while and have been inspired by your posts. I haven't commented until now, but this most recent post really hits home.

You see, I became (unexpectedly) pregnant 5 years ago. I was already a single mom to my daughter and I felt like I could not raise another child on my own. I seriously considered adoption and set up an appointment with a lawyer who specialized in adoptions. He was nice enough and treated me with respect, but I left the appointment feeling uncomfortable.

Some of the comments that were made to me were:

*I could have my living expenses paid by the potential a-parents.

*They would compensate me for time off of work.

*I could have my pick of aparents because I am white, the father of my child was white and I don't do drugs.

After a lot of soul-searching, I decided to parent my child and haven't regretted it since.

So, I definitely agree with you in that there are good agencies and bad ones and that you should always trust your instincts.

Anonymous said...

I love this post. You write so well. I try to in my Myspace blogs but it just doesn't come out the same. You should write independant articles for magazines. Try telling your story to a parenting magazine about your emotional experience with a premie in the hospital. Or even raising different race children. I know peoples eyes need to be open on that one. You already have a "fan base" :) here! -Sherry

PS. We pick up our daughter on Tuesday!!

Anonymous said...

Great reply Tiffany! Can I also add some questions and/or things to think about?

Do you know there are many, many resources out there for pregnant and parenting moms? Even if adoption is your ultimate decision, you owe it to yourself and your child to to really explore both parenting and adoption so you can make a fully informed choice.

Talk to women that have "been there done that"- both those who are single parenting and those that have released a child for adoption. What's it like for them a year or five years down the road?

Would adoption be a permanent solution to problems that are only temporary?

Tiffany is right that there are some not-so-great agencies/lawyers out there. Keep in mind that adoption is a billion dollar a year industry, so if you do seek help, make sure whoever you are working with will help you no matter what decision you ultimately make.

Also, keep in mind that you are in a state or crisis right now. Crisis is never a good time to be making major, life-changing decisions. Take your time...pray...talk with those you trust...you don't have to make a decision right now.

I have lots more thoughts, but I don't want to hijack Tiffany's post anymore than I have :)

Grace and peace to you.
Emily

Anonymous said...

just for the record, i believe they are black-eyed susan

Anonymous said...

I too faced an unexpected pregnancy. I also chose to raise my child. I do not regret my decision, nor do I judge any birthmother that chooses adoption. Maybe that should have been my choice. Maybe my child would have loved me more.

Anonymous said...

I have never commented but I have followed your site. I know where you come from. You were guided as a child and as a young adult by love. Your words and emotion are familiar. You were fortunate, more than you know.